Sarah's Transition Diary

Day 1. Thursday 9th December 2004

Took my first "pill" this morning at 7.00am. Started to feel queasy about 7.15 am . Well I was warned. Told queasiness could last 4 - 14 days, should be clear for Christmas.

Day 2. Friday 10th December 2004.

Queasiness still the same, but I don't know whether this is an effect but I am more aware of my spacial awareness of my surroundings ... hard to describe, but not unpleasant.

( Returned to this 04/01/05 by popular request ) Ok the spacial thing ... how to explain it .. well I feel it's like radar .. ( others have said it's like having eyes in the back of your head ) .. When you are standing with other people I am much more aware of "my space" and people crowding me .. even out of peripheral vision . Hence the radar or eyes in back of head syndrome .. it is truly weird and freaky when you first experience it .. but then warming and magical.

 Day 3. Saturday 11th December 2004.

Queasiness still there. Checking the boy bits, as men do, and I'm sure my vege's have shrunk already, or is it wish full thinking, I've been told they'll shrink to the size of kidney beans after a few months. Went shopping with my mum as Sarah for first time, called me "Trevor" a couple of times and apologized each time and "Susan" . Don't know where that came from.

Anyway she's comfortable out with me and observed nobody looking oddly at me.. YES. Think I'm starting a cold. Started using the Estrogel tonight, one dollop twice a day, will do it morning and night, will have to start sleeping covered up if I'm doing this at the last minute at night. Bought some new bathroom scales, digital ones, I weighed myself today 14st 23/4 lbs.

Day 4. Sunday 12th December 2004.

Queasiness still there I think. Woke up with a howling cold and my sinuses are hurting ...

Day 5. Monday 13th December 2004.

Queasiness still there I think, but last of my worries. Phone in sick to work and go and see GP. Yes I got sinusitis and an ear infection. GP says queasiness is to be expected on the high dose of hormones that I'm taking. Given horse size antibiotics, 4 a day for 7 days and told to take it easy. Tell work I won't be in till at least Thursday.

Day 6. Tuesday 14th December 2004.

Queasiness what queasiness, feel sooo ill and miserable couldn't really detect it. Noticed trouble some skin area round nose that has dogged me for 30 years or so is getting better .. Hormones .. May be.

Day 7. Wednesday 15th December 2004.

Queasiness still there, I feel a little better in my self generally. Notice my skin on my hands has improved in appearance, specially the fingers, though the skin also feels a little dry ... well I was warned that the hormones would make my skin dry and nails brittle. Out for Theale pub meal tonight with Karen, "Linda" and Susan.

I weighed myself this morning 14st 0 1/2 lbs, well my appetite is off, but I still want to loose more.

Day 8. Thursday 16th December 2004.

Queasiness still there, went to work today, should have stayed at home .. but there you go. Nipples getting quite sensitive and slightly raised, specially the right one ... and slight tingling all over breast area .. hmmmm

Day 9. Friday 17th December 2004.

Queasiness still there, still not over other recent problem, and going to France tonight with friends, A & D. Pride of Bilbao gets cancelled, as does accompanying meal and restful cabin .. end up in Club Class seat all night on that heap the Pride of Cherbourg .. I hate French ferry staff .. grrrrrr. Karen asks me not to tell A & D about Sarah yet ... and I comply.

Day 10. Saturday 18th December 2004.

Queasiness still there, up all night on ferry, feel terrible today, nipples seem particularly sensitive. Looking forward to tonight's meal.

Day 11. Sunday 19th December 2004.

Queasiness still there, but seems better, though feel bloated from last nights meal ... fantastic as usual. Had a fun time out and about, sadly drab, didn't buy anything girlie with A & D lurking around. Ferry trip home unpleasant, Karen ate very little, got home at 23.55.

Day 12. Monday 20th December 2004.

Queasiness, what queasiness ... think it might be almost gone, hope so .. back to work, not very well still and very tired from weekend. Breasts tingling slightly, right nipple very sensitive.

Day 13. Tuesday 21st December 2004.

Queasiness still there a bit, comes and goes. The vege's are disappearing very quickly, and becoming tender to point of being uncomfortable if I try and "tuck" ...

Day 14. Wednesday 22nd December 2004.

Queasiness still there in morning, but from the afternoon till bed time I wasn't really aware of it. Nipples sensitive enough to hurt with the lightest of brushes. Got left at work lunch time when everybody else went to lunch to celebrate EJ and BP's leaving. Had to walk to Wardour street .. doh ..

Day 15. Thursday 23rd December 2004.

Queasiness had disappeared in the morning, only to return slightly in the evening, been getting a lot of wind, and still suffering from Catarrh from last weeks cold, coughing is making my chest ache .. wish it would go .. didn't get to see CT today at work as hoped, will chat tomorrow. Saw Linda and Susan tonight for a chat, and rewired some 120V Christmas lights for them ... plan to see each other sometime next week.

Day 16. Friday 24th December 2004.

Queasiness a bit on and off, thank goodness more off than on. Budding boobs are getting more sensitive to touch, pleasant enough till you do it accidentally, like knocking into something.

I saw CT, MD / COE of our division of the group, for a "confidential and off the record" meeting regarding company position in upper management to GLBT . CT is an out gay, and recently resigned his position, at the time it was explained he would work out his 5 month notice period, leaving in mid April 2005. However this week it all changed, and we are told he was leaving today on "gardening leave" till April, hence an urgent need to see him. Explained my position to CT. and he thinks "Sarah" will get treated well by them when I choose my moment.

CT had absolutely no idea of "my problems", so "Carolyn" the girl at work who has known about me for the last 14 months has obviously been a model of discretion. CT's general feeling is that few if any of my colleagues in London will give "Sarah" any hassle when the time comes, explained my worries concerning "DT1", and he feels DT1 has a heart really though he is a loud opinionated "gay bashing" northerner.

He has offered to go to the company on my behalf and sound them out, however, I feel with my general appearance nowadays, they may put 2 & 2 together, and know its me. No need to tip them off before they need to know or before I can tie them up legally. Well what CT told me took a great weight of my shoulders, Christmas has come a day early. Karen and I exchange "Sarah" gifts as we go to bed .. think I might have done better than her ...

Day 17. Saturday 25th December 2004.

Queasiness off it seems at first, just a little a bit later, or was that over eating and a little to much Medoc. Drive to Somerset to my sisters, through a bit of a blizzard for about 10 minutes, didn't settle though. What a mad house we have settled into for the holiday. Snack "brunch" is excellent, cheese board we have supplied seems to be OK .. What a relief but hey, food and company are excellent.

Have Christmas pressies in afternoon, get more studs from my mum and from Karen ... Karen reminds me that I bought her a ring for Christmas when we were in France back in October ..where the hell did I hide that ... my short term memory has been terrible the last year to eighteen months ... stress I think, I hope .. last thing I need now is to start losing "IT" big time.

Day 18. Sunday 26th December 2004.

Not sure if queasiness today is due to hormones or over indulgence yesterday, one of my sisters pointers jumped up me and dragged a paw over one of my buds ... it hurt enough to bring tears to my eyes, and they said it takes a couple of months to get most painful, not looking forward to that then. Bit of a panic earlier when I thought I'd lost a card of pills with 4 days worth on .. Karen found them after I started a "new card" in panic, such is life.

Day 19. Monday 27th December 2004.

Queasiness still here a little, still not sure if it's hormones or over indulgence, suppose next few days after we go home tomorrow will indicate this. Went to Bath today, sales shopping, didn't get a thing myself, ended up with Karen and I dragging our daughter out of a restaurant after she threw a wobbly, smashing glasses and splashing orange juice up my sisters lovely new coat she'd only had for 30 minutes. Day ruined.

We waited in car park for others to finish as we needed to carry one more in our car. Due to Claire's wobbly, I stay at my sisters sitting Claire and the 3 Pointer dogs and the 4 cats ... forget the farm yard outside with 2 gun dogs, 2 horses and countless "rare breed" chickens, ducks and geese ... did I mention the Guinea Pigs ... Looking forward to tonight's "turkey curry feast", gosh I'm feeling queasy as I'm typing .. hunger I hope only, having missed the Chinese buffet lunch in Bath ... Oh er was watching a DVD earlier "Love Actually" ... and I started to weep uncontrollably at the end, nobody else was, Karen was slightly amused by it, I was deeply embarrassed, Karen quips we'll have to start watching "weepy's" together ... hmmmm thanks .... think I just had my first hormone driven emotional moment ... a most odd sensation ... warm but needed a cuddle really .. Karen had to rush to get ready to go out with the others to the "panto" .. so I didn't get one ... sob, sob ....

Epilogue .. Turkey curry feast was good, a few of my sisters and hubby's friends turned up too .. proves that all country folk are either inbred or mad ( or both ) ... the "Stinking Bishop" cheese we took down won a couple more converts / fans .... One of my sisters friends turned out to be an amateur palm reader ... she didn't get chance to do me ... that would have been interesting , but got my mum bang to rights ....

Day 20. Tuesday 28th December 2004.

Feeling good today, no queasiness up till now (17.20). Left my sisters sadly this morning, would have happily stayed in the mad house a while longer, she invites us back "soon" thanking us for the wine and cheese we contributed to Christmas .. name the weekend and we'll be there was the reply ... Drove my mum straight home .. 110 minutes, 108 miles of having last 3 days analysed and regurgitated .. my head hurts ... she promises to make the petticoats I've asked for ... she has her uses ... lol. Will have to weigh myself again later ... oh er .. I'm sure I've gained a few pounds ...

Day 21. Wednesday 29th December 2004.

Well I'm not getting any queasiness in the mornings, just a little in the evening, weighted myself this morning ... 6lb up on 3 weeks ago ... Nooooooo .... Had some sad news today, my niece in Somerset who we saw at Christmas has had to have "Charlie" her horse put down, turned out the "nose bleed" it had been having on and off for the last couple of weeks was serious ... she was very strong, and held it while it passed away ... it was a lovely animal with real character, though quite old (19) ... she is devastated by this turn of events naturally ...

Day 22. Thursday 30th December 2004.

Saw my GP again this morning ... still under weather from last weeks issues, and coughed up some blood in a bad coughing fit a couple of nights ago, doctor not too concerned. Checked my blood pressure again, no problem there at all. I voiced a little concern about my physical changes, specially right boob much more advanced than left ... he said nothing to worry about, happens to a "lot of girls" as they develop.

Went to see an aged uncle today who doesn't know about Sarah, only to find he'd fallen over when we got there and couldn't get up, Karen was carrying her new handbag, and keys to his retirement flat were at home. Double glazed, with security locks ... nothing for it other than a sprint home to get key, phoned for ambulance just in case when ten minutes away on way back .. ambulance was waiting for us .. he'd gashed his head but was otherwise ok though still on the floor .. so he was left at home by ambulance crew after patching him up and getting him into a chair. Oh and me .. queasy in evening again ...

Day 23. Friday 31st December 2004.

Time is flying by, got so much I need to do but an apathy seems to have set in .. got to break out of this. Feeling on a high still, inside .. haven't been in girl mode ( as in dressed as ) for a few weeks ... and strangely not missing as hard as I would have done before I started hormones. I think this is because I'm more at peace with myself ... and the way things are developing physically and emotionally I feel like I'm in "girl mode" however I am dressed ... it's just a little social interaction I miss .... though been chatting on line on Yahoo toooo much last few days ... so many new contacts coming to find me ... LOL ...

Day 24. Saturday 1st January 2005.

Happy New Year. Queasiness hit me after lunch today, it's been later than that in the evening the last couple of days ... oh well I have got used to this a bit, it's not pleasant but it's just something I have to cope with ... decided to wear my “AA” cup M&S “Balconette” bra today under a drab shirt ( bright pink, purple and royal blue vertical stripes .. lol .. honest it's a Ben Sherman shirt, Christmas pressie from my dad and wicked step mum, maybe they have sussed me after all !!!! ) .. Karen later asks if I'm wearing my “chicken fillets” ... NO I'M NOT ... oh er  ... ear to ear grin lasts a while ...  they are definitely growing, but realistically not that much, the bra is doing the business of making the most of what I have, specially on the right side ... one thing is that the bra stops the nipples from being rubbed directly by my shirt ... yes it is more comfortable to wear a bra ... what will I do back at work next Wednesday ... another conundrum ... but there is no way I'm wearing a bra to work yet, the tights I've been wearing for last 6 weeks 7 days a week for warmth ( I am a commuting motorcyclist .. 31.4 miles each way ) are well hidden under jeans ...  

Day 25. Sunday 2nd January 2005.

No queasiness up till 20.00 today, there is light at end of the tunnel maybe, then just a little queasy later. Think I came close to losing it big time this morning on the phone in my first hormone driven ( may be) temper fit, with aged uncle from entry on 30/12/04, hung up on him before I let rip .... Ignorant b..... ! If it wasn't for fact he needs us to look after EVERYTHING, I’d happily walk away for good from that inconsiderate old g..... Called at 6.00am (answer phone got him, bedroom phone turned off ) to say his tele was broken .. no sound .. tried turning it up? ... NOOOOO .... 

A few things have been bottled up recently, things a little TOO personal for here ... and this led to a tearful morning after the uncle rage had died down. On the bright side .. as I was eating my breakfast in the lounge, the light from window caught my bare legs .. WOW .. I hadn't noticed how the skin had changed on my legs like it has on my face and hands ... weighed myself again ... NOOOOOO ... sob, sob, .. this is getting too much .. the diet starts today ...

Wore my “AA” M&S “Wonder  Bra” today to protect nipples .. notice effect was better yesterday .. LOL Trying to beat the apathy, got on with some work in the evening and got 3 machines serviced for a customer .. hey that was easy and might pay some bills .....

Day 26. Monday 3rd January 2005.

Got up feeling good and positive, phone customer to see if he wanted machines back fast as planned, tells me his customer has backed off and we'll talk about delivery / collection later. Bank holiday, what holiday when you do extra work at home for a hobby business, it's a bonus working day .. LOL.

Got side tracked again with long chats with old friends and new contacts on Yahoo messenger, Karen reminds me 2 hours after I missed a pill to take it .. doh, Really felt good all day, no queasiness at all till I went to bed. I've timed my “Pills” for 7am, 3pm and 11pm. Took last pill as I got into bed feeling fine. Cuddle up to Karen as I do, 10 minutes later, hit like a brick and suddenly feel very queasy ... just as I thought smugly I’d cracked the queasiness ... life goes on. 

Day 27. Tuesday 4th January 2005.

No queasiness as I wake up and take first pill of the day, Karen has to go to work for a training day, leaving me with our disabled daughter who goes to school normally where Karen works. “Where’s Mummy” starts as soon as Karen exits back door at 8.35 ... ho hum what fun, make sure headache pills close to hand .. lol. Decide must keep up with anti apathy efforts and do some more work today.

Work calls at 10.00 ... “where are you?, everything ok?” Holiday cover rota shows me off today, rota was written / planned by Scottish engineer in company group .. extra holiday in Scotland today ... doh .. so who checked his master plan then ??? Sorry stuck at home with daughter. Karen phones at 12.20 to see if all OK with Claire, laughs when I tell her that work phoned ... queasiness becomes noticeable about 14.15 ... grrrrrrr. Really worried about my weight gain in last week or so .. the lunch time power walks when it's dry are going to come back with a vengeance.

Day 28. Wednesday 5th January 2005.

Back to work today ... ho hum, no bra to protect my nips. Ride in on motorbike is ok, except dammed cold and very icy down to main road, I love holidays.. 50 minutes to W1 . I'm sure I didn't used to feel as cold as this under similar conditions before. The bag I carry across my back everyday with shoes and lunch box is ok .. strap goes down middle of my front, over RH boob, under LH boob.. At work a disaster greets me, caused by a colleague attempting to do my job without seeking advice yesterday .. takes me ½ hour to undo damage on back up system .. calm thoughts, calm thoughts ..

Go for a 20 minute “ power walk ” after lunch to Jessops on Tottenham Court Road, to buy son 21st birthday pressie, jiggling of shirt + sweatshirt + fleece on 2 mile walk aggravates nipples a lot, left one hurts most, that's new ...  Get Nikon Coolpix 4100 +128Mb SD card .. bargain after discussion come argument with assistant over price .. different (-£19) on their web site .. he refused to look at web site even though they had PC in shop ... sensing I was losing it quickly .. thought stop, think calm .. eventually he agrees price I suggest is right ... and then gives me the web site 128Mb upgrade ( +£20) for £10.00 .. calmness and warm feeling returns ... Yes.

Power walk back to work via Chiltern Street (Long Tall Sally & Elephant Feet ) causes more discomfort ( not only what I have missed in their sales ) .. and now going into wind .. thought feeling cooler might reduce sensitivity .. WRONG .. ouch .. by time I get back to office I'm quite uncomfortable.

See group Chief Executive, CE1, he's come to our "new" London office for 10 minute chat about our companies brave new world ... this is one person I fear when I come out to company in the summer. “Straight talking Yorkshire man” he calls himself ... hmmm.

Clearly CT did not report our confidential chat on 24/12/04 to him, sure he would have said something. Assures me my job is safe and thanks for all the effort during last 18months of refurb. Carolyn, who knows about me is off till next Monday, so nobody to chat to about things. Ride home on bike not pleasant at all with camera kit stuffed into top of my bike suit resting in front of LH boob, aaaargh. No queasiness today .. yet .. and it's 20:15 .. it's looking up. Film “What women want” on tele ... lol .. I know what I want .

21.30  Karen shows me a reply to an email she sent another Ts’s wife, I was ok reading the sectionalised reply from the other woman, but broke down when I saw the original Karen sent in one piece showing her doubts, not sectionalised. This other Ts’s wife has said her partner has started to “appreciate men”, I try to reassure Karen it only happens to about 5% of Ts’s who are totally sure of their “lesbian status” like me, I’ve never ever fancied a man .. she end’s up tearful with me crying. It’s when this happens I wish I wasn’t the way I am, I love her sooo much, wish there was a magic pill to make me “normal” , after 48 years I know there isn’t.

Diary .... the next 28 days....

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