Sarah's Transition Diary .. days 57 - 84

Day 57. Thursday 3rd February 2005.

Two halves of beer produced better sleep results than expected. In trying to protect my liver as much as possible, I think my reduced alcohol intake is helping on the weight loss program as well. I think average 1 pint of beer a week and now only 1 bottle of medicinal Claret a week with meals is all helping, and well within what anybody would call moderate.

Day at work interrupted by DT1, who was coming down for the day, then wasn’t, but surprised us anyway and turned up. So many jobs got sidelined in a free chatting afternoon. Home only a little late, then get a phone call from a business friend Malcolm, who I’ve known professionally we worked out later for about 27 years ... so definite friends. Anyway, end up at his home later in evening to deliver some work to him, and we started chatting, wife Alison and 20's old son included.

At this point I need to mention that this family are very Christian and live in one of the most conservative areas of the country, very much church goers and pillars of their local community, live by the Bible and are very genuinely nice caring  people. Anyway, having got chat about my daughter out of the way, I move on to my Transition. Having sounded out the depth of there religious ideals, I thought I’m going to loose my first friends, I honestly did, having read about similar scenarios from other “girls”. However, they weren’t that shocked, and Malcolm said he had sensed that I was different from other “blokes” and business friends, saying he respected my customer first attitudes and my gentler personal manner.

Alison said she had guessed what was coming before I actually got to the nitty gritty. Well we got into some serious “Christian” debate, led by Alison, trying to steer me away from the “final solution”. Anyway, to cut a long story short ( a lot was said in about 2 hours ), when I left them at 1.25am for my 30 minute drive home, we left as friends possibly even closer, with a request from them to ring if I ever needed to chat about things, and that they were going to pray for me when I left, carrying some spiritual offerings for me to read. You know what the odd thing was ?

I got 10 minutes away from their house, just joining the M25, when a sudden feeling of warmth and well being swept over me, a sudden dawning that I will keep most of my friends now, or the power of prayer ... I don’t know .. but it felt good.  Gosh, I really though that this was one couple who I’d definitely loose as friends .. I’m so lucky, or is my line in telling people something special ... I don’t know. It’s a 100% score so far, people who I’ve told are all with me, not one as yet declared they don’t want to know.  No queasiness today thank you.

Day 58. Friday 4th February 2005.

After last nights great news .. and little sleep, I get up and the morning at work blasts past as we pick up and do some of the jobs skipped yesterday. However, I suffered an attack of the weepie’s lunch time while walking to find Valentine cards for Karen, don’t know why, totally irrational given my state of mind this morning. If this had happened in work I’m not sure how I’d have handled it. I managed to bottle it fairly well, but my eye’s continued to water as I looked for suitable cards in Clinton’s on Oxford Street.

I do manage to compose myself on the way back to work and nobody notices, I hope. Get home and sit down to talk to Karen about last nights chat with Malcolm and Alison. Told Karen about my attack of weepie’s at lunch time ... and it starts me off again ... twice ...  I bloody hate this when it happens ... it is really uncontrollable when it strikes, not sure how I didn’t let go at lunch time really. 

Anyway .. a few cuddles later, about an hour, I’m feeling better but totally embarrassed by it all ... makes me feel really ... lost for words here folks ..sorry ... RH bud seems very tender today, don’t know if I slept on it last night or something, but the slightest touch is seriously painful ... yet not exactly unpleasant ... am I going do dally here ... or confused ... possibly ... maybe ... I don’t know. Another no queasiness day.

Day 59. Saturday 5th February 2005.

Well it’s the weekend .. hoorah .. so much to do and little time to do it. It’s a “Transmission” night tonight, would like to go, but really can’t be bothered, no friends have contacted to see if I’m going, and as this is a RR visit month I need to save the dosh anyway ... whinge, wine ... lol. After a cuddle and weepie in bed I eventually get up, and dress “femme andro” .. bra to protect my buds, pink and purple shirt, lilac jumper, girls jeans with pink leather belt and lilac trainers, simple jewellery .. but femme.

Go and do some shopping in Waitrose in Sunningdale before lunch with Karen, nothing out of the ordinary at all. Do a quick visit to see aged uncle in Burnham, who knows nothing of Sarah .. lucky he’s not very observant .. LOL. Collect daughter from respite care centre in the afternoon and visit my mum.

Karen’s starting to feel rough ... there’s a bug going round the school she works in ... I’m sure I’ll be next ... such is life. We have a Chinese takeaway, as per usual on a “non event” Saturday night. Have a chat on the UkAngels chat room, and then have an early night. Another no queasiness day .. yes ... it’s looking up.

Day 60. Sunday 6th February 2005.

It’s the Sunday morning weight in ... 14st 2lb ... dam it .. 3/4 lb on this week ... that’ll be the combination of “pig out Wednesday” lunch at work, and fact I’ve been drinking 1.5 ltrs of water every day at work this week. Thought I was getting too dehydrated and feeling groggy at beginning of week, and I must admit from Tuesday onwards I have felt better, so I’m going to continue this treatment at work, not so easy on a busy weekend at home.

Oh er .. Karen is not a happy bunny .. feeling cold, sore throat, aching joints and headache .. she won’t be working for a few days, thinks she’s got “the school bug” which has decimated some classes. Give some arm’s length cuddling to give her some comfort and avoid the germs .. some hope ... (avoiding the germs that is) ... LOL. Karen’s getting worried that so often when we  cuddle up, I start weeping .. love her so much it hurts .. that’s why .. and I worry too ... Oh well, got a lot to do, weather forecast isn’t brilliant and the motor bike needs a pre service serious wash ... so as the sun’s shining I get up and go for it.

2 1/4 hours later .. the bike is reasonably clean .. only takes me 20 minutes for each car doing it properly ... grrrrrrr ... LOL. Karen is ill, so she stays in bed best she can with Claire being a little moo ... till I get in from bike washing. Make lunch for Claire and I and do the washing up ... my poor hands .. glad to say my nails survived the bike washing and washing up, not sure about my skin though ... ho hum.

Life continues, chat with a few on Yahoo and then give Claire some tea and put her to bed. Claire sitting on the loo is in a funny mood .. happy and talkative .. “Mummy’s a boy, Daddy’s a lady” .... well she got it half right ... <<grins>>. Yes Karen heard it too .... LOL. Will have to sort out dinner for Karen and I tonight .. long time since I last did that ( my turn is usually takeaways .. LOL ) .. I suppose I need to start doing more domestic stuff.

Not sure if I am heading for the expected “bud growth holiday”, it’s 2 months (ish) today and I’m told by a lot of girls this happens about now. Buds have been the most comfortable ( as in less painful ) today since they started growing ... well I haven’t abused them at work for a couple of days, and I’ve worn a good fitting bra for last 48 hours to protect them, we’ll see back at work tomorrow. Everything else that’s been happening to my body has seemed to go on longer than I was told by others, specially the continual queasiness in the early days, so I’m hoping the bud growth will continue for another week or 2. Glad to say queasiness is still taking a holiday.

Day 61. Monday 7th February 2005. <>What a day, good and bad ... First the bad bits .... Wake up with alarms and Karen is still very poorly. She insists she’ll be OK getting Claire out to school, so I get up and leave. Lovely morning really, see gorgeous sun rise while going up M4 at 7.30, beautiful, wish I was stuck in a car in the jam to watch it more ... Cut across to Westway, and join usual train of bikes weaving up centre isle of two lane bit over Edgeware Road. Get near to top of flyover and 2 bikes in front are stuck. Typical prat in Landrover Discover driving along white line to stop people passing. Room to get a bus down the outside, so I pass down outside, get in front and bastard rams me off the road into the high curb.

I’m shaken, but bike is over at 45 degrees laying on fairing on high curb. I can’t pick bike up from correct side, so struggle and fail to lift it, another bloke gets out of his truck and helps me ... guy in Discovery drives off !!!! Bike is ride able so I quickly catch up and he gets message, takes 1st left ( my usual route ) and stops outside school. Look behind me to see Police motorcycle cop across junction, I get his attention in the end. Driver is German, Discovery, though UK reg is left hand drive ... Driver blames me for trying to drive through a non existent gap ... hang on I was past him BEFORE he hit me, I have scrap in paint on back of pannier to prove it, and he says impact has broken his headlight washer jet, which is 10 - 12" from edge of car, and pokes slightly ahead of bumper .. great design .. but got him I hope.

Anyway, police won’t take action as no witness stopped, and I’m not hurt. Get to work, another 3 minutes on road, 40 minutes late, and need to leave at 12.15 to go to hospital for my foot to be checked out, not because of this accident. Those who have known me for awhile, will remember me limping around a few venues in May / July 2003, after I broke a big toe in a sailing accident. Well the 2 little toes on same foot have been giving me hassle for last 12 months.

Rush home, shower and get to hospital in Frimley 5 minutes late .. car parking at hospital is a nightmare at best, and when a barrier is broken, leaving just one open, the queue is back to the main road. Anyway, report to reception in orthopaedics, and take a seat. Pretty young female doctor comes from examining rooms, and calls out Mr G* ... I get up and walk towards her, stopping just short, she try’s to look round me and says louder Mr T* G* ... I try to block her view .. she looks at me .. covers mouth and says sorry quietly ... follow me.

I have no idea what all the others in the waiting room were doing behind me ... lol. In the treatment room ... “ Sorry I thought you were a tall woman” << I smile broadly >> , well I am drab (well almost as drab as I can get ), I explain I’m a transsexual, but not quite 9 weeks on hormones ... and trying to live as a male still. She smiles and blushes. She’s beside herself, apologises again and asks if I’m ok being called T*, or would I prefer to be called by “another” name. I say it’s OK with my drab name till I deed poll in a few months, she asks again am I sure, am I really sure, I say YES.

Well she alters my computer record, special notes section at top “Transsexual on Hormones” ... <<grins>>. She’s quite keen to learn more about transsexualism and asks a few questions while manipulating my foot, but educated and leading questions, as if she already knows about it and is trying to analyse me and see if I am genuine .. hmmmm, next time I’ll leave my toe nails painted ... LOL.

Anyway, foot is a problem and I’ll get appointments for some special type of x-ray that has to be pre-planned, and an MRI scan of that part of the foot. She, and her boss who examines me after .. think it’s due to a swollen bit of nerve, but till they get an accurate 3d image of it ( MRI style) they don’t know whether it’s surgery or an injection ( tennis elbow style) to reduce size of troublesome nodule ... but they are always benign she reassures me. I did feel queasy mid morning, hormone style queasiness, don’t know if it was triggered through stress of bike accident or thought of afternoon hospital appointment. I hate hospitals, even just visiting people stresses me out, and go into shock when being treated ( minor op's ) too easily .. had them worried in the past while having jobs done ... LOL.

Day 62. Tuesday  8th February 2005.

Well after yesterdays down’s then up’s today was pretty boring by comparison. Relative easy day at work except for some hassle with our computer archiving system, due to some oversight’s in planning by ex colleague “E”, the system failed after a recent update to keep archives long enough ... oh er .. just hope nobody needs them ... lol.

Post lunch “Power Walk”, saw me in Oxford Street at Evans and Alders which is closing down soon ... hmmm .. could be some nice cheap accessories there before end of March. Evans new season socks are fun ... but totally not suitable for drab life at work ... doh. Leave for home an hour late, such is life. Karen’s still not well and has another day at home.

It’s pancake day ... maple syrup and cream in this house, over a pint of batter mix gets consumed, mainly by me (oop’s) ... ok ... the diet restarts tomorrow ... doh ... it’s “Pig Out Wednesday” tomorrow and it’s “Square Pies” from Selfridges pie shop .. heavy ..lamb and rosemary” for me ... OK ... diet restarts on Thursday and I’m resigned to gaining a pound maybe on Sunday ... LOL.

Last Sunday I commented that the buds seemed to be getting less painful, not totally true, “power walk” at lunch time bought most of the pain to the fore again, and one rush down a flight of stairs had me clutching my chest in pain ... oops. When I got home from work I was a little queasy too, but didn’t last long at all.

Day 63. Wednesday 9th February 2005.

Well it’s “Pig Out Wednesday” at work today, the morning work front is fairly quiet, and boss DT1 turns up on cue an hour before lunch. Surprisingly lunch was lighter than expected, the Pie wasn’t too big and the portions of mash and peas a lot smaller than Karen would have served up ... maybe something in that and the post marriage weight gain ... LOL. Glad I took my “pudding” with me .. an apple and a banana.

The afternoon goes peacefully enough, and I’m only 30 minutes late leaving for home. My buds and nips are giving agro again and I think I need to try and find a solution, and I must say the uneven development is a growing concern, even though others have told me they’ll start to balance out later, gosh I’m praying that they do. So it’s olive ciabatta bread, some “Eposes” cheese and olives for tea.

Karen is still well off colour, and still off work, do what I can to make her feel better. Go out later for a beer with Bob, the chap I crew for. I tell him about my week, the accident and the incident at the hospital on Monday. I wasn’t sure that he’d really put all the information I had given him previously together ( re me, hormones and “serious changes ahead” ) and worked out what the end result was going to be .. but he had. With all the chat, my 2 halves of beer had lasted 2 ½ hours ... doh.  But the good news again is no queasiness today !!!

Day 64. Thursday 10th February 2005.

Having “tweaked” my back slightly getting washed last night, along with the buds / nips I have a disturbed night, and wake up thirsty about 4.30 and discover my front of my nightie and crop top is slightly damp .. the hot water bottle Karen handed me as I got into bed has leaked slightly after falling asleep cuddling it holding it to my buds. I sleep through my alarms and Karen wakes me up at 6.30 .. oops.

Karen is still poorly and won’t be going back to work today. So half hour late to work, and so is colleague “C”. Lunch time see’s me doing a power walk to M&S next to Selfridges, for more tights ( 2 “3 packs” of their “soft and glossy”style) and something to help the buds. “ A vest that thinks it’s a bra” is the sign that catches my eye, pink, white, black or pale blue, in 2 styles. Like the thin strapped version, it’s more girly. Bum .. the white ones jump from size 12 to 18, and no other stock available. I want tight support, so reckon a 16 would be ideal, I’m normally an 18 / 20 top. So I get a pink one, which when I get it home proves to be the right colour anyway ... much lower contrast than white .. so might be able to hide it under my usual drab wear for work.

I’ll try soon. Leave for home a little late to make up for late arrival this morning, did I need to .. not really I suppose. Pasta in a cheesy sauce with a small salad for dinner, Karen surprises me with fruit and jelly for pud ... LOL. On the bright side, no queasiness again today.

Day 65. Friday11th February 2005.

Well what a lovely day !! Karen has to be told to stay at home, half term next week and she was desperate to go back to the school for the last day and spread any remaining germs ... Drop bike of for a service in Chiswick on my way through ... and they give me a CBF600 as a loan bike !! .. vroom vroom ... V4 engine .. nice noise .. <<giggle>> ... I decided to wear the “Vest that thinks it’s a bra” to work today ... and yes it makes a difference for sure, passes the bounce test on the stairs with little or no movement / discomfort ... YES ... yes ... LOL.

However, that gentle grip around the chest reminds me all the time why I’m wearing it, even when sitting at my desk ...  So lunch time it’s back to M&S and get another style of “Vest that thinks it’s a bra” .. this one is very white and looks like a vest .. but possibly more “drabish” for work till I’m fully out there. In M&S an assistant I asked to see if they had a white size 16 yesterday, explaining I was a transsexual with bits in need of support, sees me queuing with another in my hand, and gives me a broad smile and a “hello” nod ... I’ve always said in shops if you are straight with people ( assistants) you gain nothing but respect ...

Back to work and a rather energetic afternoon, well it helped to burn some calories, but discovers “vest/bra” is a little warm when exerting myself ... hmmm.  Get to leave late to collect my bike, due to a last minute plea for help as I’m putting my kit on. Return loan bike, sadly, and collect mine .. £324 .. for a service, and I supplied the oil !!! Ok, it includes 2 pairs of front disk pads .. at £32 per pair !!!! Motor cycles ... cheap commuting ... NO WAY.

Dinner is of something we haven’t had for ages .. Tesco Pork and Stilton sausages, backed beans and a jacket spud without the usual dollop of “Olivia” on it ( it’s a guilt thing / diet <<grins>> ), and “semolina” for pud ... core I’ve missed that too recently. Not looking forward to the Sunday morning weight in !!  Another nice thing today ... no queasiness.

Day 66. Saturday 12th February 2005.

Well no peace for the wicked, get up and make Karen a cup of tea, return for quick cuddle before disappearing rapidly down to Portchester to work on the boat for a day. Lose half a day of my time cause some “Pro’s” are in fitting a new echo sounder transducer into the hull, just where I need to work in the engine room .. doh. So I get to do my bit after a few hours, and as I can’t work very well with artificial light with what I need to do ... that’s it for the day. However Friday’s purchase of M&S “Vest that think’s it’s a bra” “Mk2" is as good, if not better, than the more girly spaghetti strapped version because it seems to give more support. Very comfortable indeed. Get home just after 7.00 pm and it’s Saturday night at home .. must be Chinese take away night ... LOL.   And no queasiness to report today.

Day 67. Sunday 13th February 2005.

It’s the Sunday morning weight in ... 14st 0 3/4 lb ...YES yes .. 1 1/4 lb off this week, the lightest so far this side of Christmas ... in fact since I started recording my weight on day 3 of hormones. Oh .. but this is not a happy day. I not prepared to say at this time why, but I’m now having great doubt’s about my future, I don’t want to do this ( as in transitioning ) on my own, as Karen has started to voice doubt’s that she can go through with it after all. All I can say is we both spent until 3pm in bed weeping over what may and now may not be.

I hope we can work things out. Karen acknowledges that she has never seen me happier in 22 years, but the doubt’s I now have about our joint future leaves me torn, siding on wanting to do what is right for Karen and US than what is right for ME ... Later in evening I visited my friend Linda to look over a PC she had just built for a friend, tea and biscuits supplied, return home about 10.30. Linda is coming with me to London on Wednesday as company on RR trip, but I tell her I’m thinking of cancelling RR appointment cause of problems I’m having.  When does one day start, and another finish ... Because of way I feel I don’t take night time hormone pill.

Spend most of night crying / weeping, disturbing Karen who tries to comfort me, but I can’t control it. I feel so bad about myself now, if there had been a button by my bed” push now to end it all” I would have happily pushed it. Leave bed about 3.00 and go to settee in lounge, about an hour or so Karen stirs and comes and gets me .. I am still in tears ... drags me back to bed, cuddles ... I can’t stop and I don’t know why. Think I sleep from about 5.30 till about 6.00, woken up by
alarm clock Well at least there wasn’t any queasiness.

Day 68. Monday 14th February 2005.

When I woke up, I had stopped weeping, but I decide I’m too tired to work, and try to return to sleep ... I’m feeling so cold, snuggle down under duvet and extra  blanket, suddenly tears start to flow again, Karen nestles up behind me and cuddles me. At 7.00 I refuse my morning hormone pill ... I’m ready to give up on transition it’s just too painful, at this time I’m cursing ever starting, the good feeling times of the last week or so have been completely erased.

I call my boss “C” at 8.00 and tell him I’m not coming in ... I am exhausted  ... I know why, but I can’t reason myself out of it, would be silly really to some ... but my heart aches so badly, can’t explain why. Karen phones GP for help at 8.30 but he’s on holiday this week, and locum is working our surgery, the same one who checked my blood test results and wrote out the script for my first hormones, but Karen only wants to see our GP of 20 years. So no help.

Karen tries to re-assure me about the future, she doesn’t want me to go back pre hormones times cause she says I’m a lot happier on hormones, and it’s a relief to her. Karen says I misinterpreted what she had said yesterday, what she had said I had taken so deeply to heart. About 10.30 my buds start to burn and my 2 vege’s which have been almost pain free for last few weeks start to ache.

Another TS did tell me you can’t just give hormones up if you want to give up ... and told me what to expect if I did try ... she was right about sensations. Worse than some of the growing pains. Karen eventually persuades me to take my morning pill about 11.00, and 15 minutes later the burning sensation in buds suddenly fades and vege’s stop tingling. Hormones addictive ? Maybe, or you need to be weaned off slowly, later confirmed by a friend who had been on and off them.

Strangely ... I start to feel better in my self, and try to convince myself last 20 hours was just a blip .... one bu**** of a big one, and I sure don’t want to do that again. Get up at midday and try to concentrate on some work ... it’s hard .. Karen puts one of my bra’s on the bed with a “wear it or else look”, and the relief to my buds is fantastic after I’ve dressed. Laying in a towelling dressing gown all night for warmth without a crop top and nightie ( yes in my anger / confusion last night I had refused to wear those), the towelling, though soft, had really caused some aggravation, specially as I rolled over and trapped flesh.

I feel cold even though heating is higher than we would normally have it. In the evening I feel a little better again, but memories of last 30 hours are nightmare stuff .. hope I can sleep tonight. Chat with Linda on messenger for a while this afternoon, she’s relieved I will be going to see RR again on Wednesday. After I took 1st pill this morning, I did feel queasy for a while.

Day 69. Tuesday  15th February 2005.

Well it’s back to work rather sheepishly and sleeplessly ... will have to fill a form for  “self certification” for yesterday, so I have to lie ... sorry Claire ... had to blame you for a sleepless night, could hardly tell the truth for what really happened. “C” my colleague gives me an easy time about it thank goodness.

Really still out of it, so much so that this entry and the rest of the week are being done from memory on Sunday 20th, hence the briefness. Just remember feeling really nervous and apprehensive about tomorrows visit to see “Uncle Russell”. I’m sure I didn’t feel any  queasiness today at least.

Day 70. Wednesday 16th February 2005.

It’s a days leave today to see RR. Sleep through alarms and get up 45 minutes late ... great start. Rush about, wash my hair and Karen dries my fringe for me. Just time for me to do a really “lite” makeup job before my friend Linda knocks on front door. It’s school holidays so the roads are very quiet, and we get to the “shoppers free car park” in Sunningdale with plenty of time. We end up on Sunningdale station standing in a freezing wind for 15 minutes before train arrives. Notice later that most “RG’s” are wearing trousers ... LOL.

Overslept ..what else was going to go wrong ... yes ... the train gets delayed at Twickenham, and when we arrive at Richmond to grab a District line tube, we see our train leaving without us ... damn .. this will make us late at “MAC” for our make overs. Get to MAC 10 minutes late, Linda opts to go first ... so I walk around High Street Kensington for 50 minutes, buying a pair of “art deco” style earings from a jewellery counter in Barkers ... reduced to £12 but counter owner gives them to me for £10 and wishes me well for being her first customer of the day.

Back to MAC’s where Linda is nearly finished, looks fantastic, and is very happy with the result, Linda finishes about 15 minutes after “Lisa” starts on me ... and disappears off to the shops. Lisa does my face today, a gorgeous gregarious  blonde, and I’ve asked for another day time look. Lisa, like Nadia last time, is interested in the changes I am going through. She compliments me on my skin and how smooth it is, I say I’m lucky and explain that I am on hormones and that my skin has changed drastically over last 10 weeks ... including getting very dry, so she goes through moisturising routines with me and introduces a new MAC product called a “mattifier”, a clear liquid used as a base, that makes skin look and feel silky soft, and  removes any shine ... incredible stuff . So she does the business on me ... and I prefer this look more than the one “Nadia” gave me last time, though that was still good. So I “restrict” my self to buying the “mattifier” and the new foundation that feels great on my skin, is a nice match, £36.00 the two products.

Linda and I head of to Selfridges for lunch with the girl who knows about me for lunch. She is held up so we nip into a couple of shops on Oxford Street while we wait. So we finally meet and Linda gets to meet the infamous “Zero”. They get on like old friends, while we eat lunch in “Starbucks” inside Selfridges. Soon lunch is finished, and we part with girly kisses and go our own ways. I now regret not buying the lipstick earlier, as I need to touch up and don’t want to have to remove what I’m wearing and change it for what I bought last time from MAC’s, which I was carrying in my handbag, so buy that from the MAC counter in Selfridges.

Off to Selfridges luxury ladies loo’s in the basement to “freshen up”. Linda and I then head off into Oxford Street to do a little of what girls do best ... shopping ... LOL. Monsoon (swoon), River Island ( poor girls Monsoon) and a few other places. 2.55PM .. better check with Sue .. RR’s secretary how late he is running. First attempt gets recorded message .. nobody in office till tomorrow ... mild panic sets in. Try again 5 minutes later and she answers phone .. phew ... RR is running 20 minutes late today ( at 3.00pm). OK, excuse to walk down to Oxford Circus and look around Top Shop.

Leave for RR’s at Earl’s Court about 3.35, planning to arrive about 4.15. DOH ... get there bang on 4.00, and the 3.30 who recognises me from Transmission is still waiting. She goes in to RR at 4.15 and I go in at 4.40. RR greets Linda, and gives her something to read .. a printed copy of his treatment regime. Later he tells me that he thought Linda was another TS, no I tell him, just a very honest and down to earth girlie CD.

Anyway, we had a longer than planned chat, 35 minutes, and I bring up the subject of last Sunday’s and Mondays “blackness”. He says it is an extreme reaction, rare but not unheard of, and can’t promise it won’t happen again, I pray that it won’t. RR is happy that I’ve actually lost weight overall in last 10 weeks, albeit 1 - 2 lbs only. One relief is that he didn’t prescribe Androcur for me, it’s an evil drug that many girls are put on. I question that, and he says I look as if I’m doing just great as it is, so he writes to my GP saying he is very happy with my progress and wants him to carry on prescribing as is and tells me I should have more bloods done in 3 months.

So next follow up appointment is made for 4.00pm 15th of June. I leave £90 lighter, but pretty happy. Walking back to Earl’s Court tube I realise I really must get some smaller, hollow backed silicones. My current ones are flat backed and all this time pressing on my buds is causing a fair amount of discomfort. Linda and I get the train back to Sunningdale, back to my house, cup of tea and then go with Karen to the “Reading pub night” meal.

Pleasant evening as usual, and I get to sit opposite another TS, Helen from Woking, 18 months on hormones, full time doing RLT (real life test). She gives me loads of tips, is envious cause I didn’t get put on Androcur when she did, and promises to send me a load of useful letters to use when I come out to my employer and start my RLT sometime later in year. Go home happy, later apologising to Linda for not chatting to her much during the meal, she says that’s OK realising Helen was being a great help to me. No queasiness today ... hooray.

Day 71. Thursday 17th February 2005.

Still struggling with getting up due to black Sunday / Monday’s disruption to sleep patterns. Get to work later than hoped, even though I was doing a “middling bit” ( 9.00am start ) as “C” was on leave today. Bit of a busy day but no real problems, except for our automation system that through another wobbly, and didn’t want to do a “full audit” to repair the data base, a 15 minute job ends up taking 35, this system is rubbish, American rubbish. “Zero” says it was nice to meet Linda at last yesterday and obviously likes her, who wouldn’t.

Linda says the same about “Zero” later in a chat on Yahoo. Go for a lunch time power walk, as I’ve missed out all week. Go home later and get a bit of a surprise from Karen. She tells me she had told her closest friend about me a few months ago, who is the school nurse at the school she works in, another Sarah.

Karen is really concerned about telling people, but has never been there when I have told others, and wants to see / hear how I do it with such great success so far. So she wants me to meet her friend Sarah, and have me tell her as if she doesn’t know. Two things here ...
1: She knows all ready so knows what is coming.
2: She’s a nurse, and may know when she’s being flanneled.

This is going to be really hard for me, would sooner have gone in without her knowing. Karen tries to organise it for tonight, but Sarah has gone out, and now I have till next Thursday to worry about it. Such is life. From memory, no queasiness either today.

Day 72. Friday 18th February 2005.

Another interesting day ahead. Work first, an easy day thank goodness. For the last few days, Karen has been communicating with the wife of an American TS called Jessica who is currently living in the UK for safety while she transitions. Sharon, the wife, is keen to meet another wife in the same position as her, that is, one who is supporting a TS through transition, like Karen is. They don’t have a car, but it’s been agreed we will  meet “drab” in Windsor tonight at about 8.20.

Several texts later, we discover they are in the “Wetherspoons” pub opposite the castle early, so they can eat. So they’ll be waiting for us rather than the other way round ... LOL. Anyway, go into pub and go upstairs and as my head clears the stair gallery I see somebody waving, its Jessica, in “Josh” mode .. that is drab like me. We go over nervously and we sit, then I get up almost immediately to go get a round of drinks. Now remember, this maybe Windsor, posh area and all that, but this is a “Wetherspoon’s” pub.

Cheap, cheerful, with loads of parties of lads and girls out enjoying themselves on cheaper than average booze, hence 3 “security people” watching people. They are cheap, cause to lower costs they don’t employ enough bar staff, half are acting as security. So it takes over 10 minutes to get served. Although I deliberately chose a quiet area of the bar, I am aware I am getting some odd looks from other male customers, and I am getting nervous. Return to table with drinks and Karen is nattering to Sharon and Josh.

We talk about all sorts to do with transitioning, well we would, that’s what we are here for. Josh introduces himself as a typical loud mouthed American from Indiana, and if we want him to shut up, just say ... LOL. After about 45 minutes of Josh chatting about his life so far and his feelings for Sharon, we as SO the same,  Josh and I have finished our drinks, so we agree to give the wives some space as they still had half their first drinks left, and we’d go and have a chat downstairs and another drink before coming back. So now it’s my turn, and Josh gets Sarah’s life story and my fears for the future.

We are standing at the back of the downstairs part of the pub, and there is a large party of about a dozen girls standing close by. After about 10 minutes I realise we might be the source of conversation for a sub group of 4 or 5, as they keep looking our way, grinning and talking behind there hands. 2 blokes standing in a “Wetherspoons” pub drinking glasses of wine .. what’s wrong, so both have long hair, ones got very long hair in a ponytail with a big fat bright purple scrunchie ... perfectly normal in my village ... LOL.

Anyway, we return to our  wives with more drinks and 40 minutes later security are trying to get us to leave the comfort of the first floor no smoking area cause its 10.55. Wetherspoons have no idea how to treat and respect their customers who are NOT groups of half pissed yobs and yobettes. Josh and I make it clear we are not amused, move down stairs but refuse to follow “securities” instructions to go to the area they want us.

As their back is turned we go to another area, and refuse to move till we have finished. I’ll never go there again, trash gutter level business. Anyway, we leave as good friends and walk Sharon and Josh round to the station to make sure they can still get a train, otherwise I’d run them home to Ealing. Home to bed satisfied that this is a couple we can meet again if they wish. No queasiness as such today ... it’s been a while again.

Day 73. Saturday 19th February 2005.

Why do weekends give me the blues ... now there is a question. Saturday morning, considering last night ended on a high note, and I’m concerned for Karen again as she says Sharon has the same concerns as hers, and I immediately think it all the negative stuff coming to the fore again, and start to weep again ... bugger this does hurt and is really draining on energies.

Get up much later than planned again, it’s already lunch time. Karen checks her email and there is one from Sharon, they feel the same about us as we do about them, so it looks as if we have some new friends to socialise with. Start to worry about going out tonight but Karen says I must. It’s Gabby’s birthday bash at the LMNT restaurant in Hackney, then on too “Tootsies” club. So I shower and get dressed. Karen does my fringe for me again. OK, I have lost a little weight recently, but big problem ... that 1 ½" I’ve lost off my waist in first 8 weeks of hormones, for only 1lb lost in weight means most of my skirts are now far too loose to wear as my hips have not really started to fill out at all, so where has that 1½" of “waist” material gone too, that’s not 1lb worth of weight surely.

Supposed to be meeting at Gabby’s about 5.00pm for coffee, but don’t leave home till 5.15, and it’s a 30 minute drive, to meet Freya ( a TS friend from Bracknell),  a RG friend of hers, and Cassie. I get there, no Freya and Co., they are stuck on M4, and arrive some 20 minutes after me. I was going to go with Freya and the rest originally in her people carrier, but due to recent problems I decide to drive myself, so that I can leave when I want should the need arise ... << sighs >>.

This is the second trip to LMNT in 4 weeks, and we hit the same traffic as usual on M40 / Marlyebone Road. Next time I vow to take them a completely different route guaranteed to save us 20 - 25 minutes travel time ... won’t be hard. Anyway, ends up 10 of us at restaurant and we have a good time, 2 courses and drinks for £18.50 a head, food is good but a little “lite” on the plate ... still I am watching my weight. I take 2 others on to Tootsies, a CD “Lorraine” and her really nice wife whose name I’ve forgotten ... sorry.

Anyway Tootsies is it’s usual self and Gabby is surprised later by a birthday cake that Cassie had organised with the Adam & Eve girls, Josie, Lisa ans Terri. Did intend to leave about 12.00, but ended up at that time having one for the road ( orange juice ... LOL ) with Lorraine and her wife. Get to talk about all sorts, their daughter, life as a fresher TS and agree to meet again at an up coming quiz night Wednesday week, which Karen later agrees to come to. Get home at 2.15 am and in bed at 3.00, It can take nearly as long to remove makeup properly as it does to put it on, and because I’ve got to look after my face now, I don’t go to bed in makeup late at night anymore ... slapper .. me never .. well not anymore ... LOL. Queasiness ... what’s that ... << grins >>.

Day 74. Sunday 20th February 2005.

It’s the Sunday morning weight in ... 13st 12 3/4 lb ...YES yes .. another 2 lb off this week and first time below 14st for a very, very long time. Given all the dire warnings about weight gain on hormones, I’m one very happy bunny. <<< smiles >>>. Another minor grizzle this morning, such is life, but up and at it at 10.30.

Decide I must do my diary, as a few have e-mailed to see if I’m alright as there hasn’t been a web site update for 6 days, since black Sunday / Monday. Claire throws a wobbly lunch time, and her lunch is hurled across the room and plate smashes. Well that’s her lunch over.

Nice bread and even better cheeses ( including a ripe french Eposse, yummy, and the downfall of my diet possibly ... << grins >> ), so she’s missed out. After that it’s all a bit quiet, chat to a few on line, do some work in preparation for a PJ I hope to be doing in 3 weekends time ( techy stuff I’m afraid ... ). New week tomorrow , at least it’s going to be a better start than last and I’m feeling quite positive about the general outlook again ... and dare I say it looks as if the queasiness has gone ... no I won’t say that ... LOL.

Day 75. Monday 21th February 2005.

I know it’s getting cold at the moment, but last night I had real problems getting warm in bed ... you would not believe the layers Karen pilled up on me to try and warm me up, she used to be the chilly one. Karen and I don’t like living in a hot house, specially at night, however I really am feeling the cold sooo much more these days ... A late start again ... oop’s, well only 20 minutes, but like to be more dependable, anyway we seem to have to work all hours so flexibility on both sides is status quo.

Takes about an hour to warm up after I arrive, even keeping one of my motor biking fleece’s on all the time. Morning at work is hassle ... 12 telephones doing a dance around offices on top floors, and info supplied by staff on those floors was wrong, so 3 phones don’t work first time ... grrrrrrr. Sorted by lunchtime ... well almost. So it’s a late lunch power walk to M&S to get 2 more “Vest’s that think they are bra’s”, 2 more exactly same as other 2, colour and styles .. I like them both.

The silky lycra top I’ve worn today doesn’t really support without a bra, so the buds did get aggravated while out and about. Phone my doctors in the afternoon to see if my prescription is ready to collect post RR last week, receptionist says she’ll try and sort it for tomorrow, my pill stock runs out Wednesday night ... oop’sStarts to snow in the afternoon as I look out thinking about going home ... doh. Anyway, get home without any snow falling, but it’s so cold. Dinner continues in the dieting way .. quiche, jacket spud and salad, don’t mention the pud though ... rice pud with a dollop of strawberry jam .. ho hum ... but the odd treat doesn’t hurt ... much ... LOL. Planning an early night tonight, so that’s it for now ... and what I said yesterday .. still no queasiness ... life is looking up.

Day 76. Tuesday 22nd February 2005.

Slept a lot better last night, Karen gave me a hot water bottle and an extra quilt ... she loves me .... <<smiles>> . Karen adds I wanted a good night sleep as well so she made sure I didn’t wake her up shivering .. she loves me !!! Wake up to find a sprinkling of snow, and it’s still coming down. Set off to work, and actually it’s not as cold as a few recent mornings ... Hum drum day at work, though one of yesterday’s telephone’s that moved still don’t work .. grrrrr .. to many cooks sometimes ... wish I’d done it all myself.

It’s “Pig out Wednesday” tomorrow and it’s been decreed an Italian day ... so it’s a Pizza for me ... have to wait and see if it was a good call or not. Phone GP’s to see if prescription is ready .. it is .. so I call Karen to collect for me ... she loves me ... Rush home through a blizzard on M4, and make the trip to Lightwater’s Moss chemist, the chosen one for Sarah stuff. However, my pills, which I’m desperate for, are out of stock, I’ve got just one day + 1 pill left.

Although “Brevinor” was supplied by them last time from stock, and your supposed to stick to the same brand you start on ... they now tell me it’s not a stock item, but promise to have some in for me tomorrow ... and also discover my GP has short changed me on Oestrogel, only one can prescribed instead of 3. Karen says she’ll collect pills for me tomorrow, I’ll ring my GP tomorrow for more gel.

I’ve decided as I’m in this for the long term, I’m going to get an annual “season ticket” for my prescriptions, should save a little over the year. Karen is miffed, she wanted an early night, with me, but Bob phoned from the boat at 20.00, saying he was about to leave and was I up for a beer ...  Felt a little cold from time to time today .... brrrr ... must be a girlie thing I think ... but still no queasiness ... this might be over at last ... there I have said it, just hope it stays that way.

Day 77. Wednesday 23rd February 2005.

Not the best of nights ... woken up twice in agony as somehow I’ve caught my RH bud between my arm and body whilst sleeping on my side or turning to do so ..aargh !! Look out of bedroom window as I get up .. big relief .. no snow, but the street looks frozen solid. It was ... very slow progress up hill behind house before getting to well salted main road. Actually get to work before 8.00 for a change ... LOL.

Anyway get stuck in and discover cause of rogue phone not working for 2 days ... doh ... mia kelpa ... Morning drags ... and because it’s “Pig out Wednesday” not really got anything to nibble. Carolyn to the rescue with one of her special health shop organic breakfast bars ... odd .. but quite nice ... not sure whether my old male self could have eaten it ... <<grins>>.

Lunch arrives at 1.00 on the dot, Pizza is proper Italian style and very nice ... so is the Garlic Bread, especially with a drizzle of the complimentary chilli olive oil on it .. OK, OK .. the diet is cancelled for 24 hours .. LOL. The afternoon goes quite quickly, hassle Karen about collecting my missing pills a couple of times, second call confirms she’s got them.

When I get home I discover that the prescription has been messed up even more ... and I’m 10 pills short of one week’s supply ... doctors and maths ... not a good point I feel .. oop’s sorry Dr L*****. Anyway a quick shower and hair wash .. and out to the neighbour across the drives. She’s a widow, and an actress, been living next to us for about 18 years. She is the next, and first of our neighbours to get the “About me” spiel ... guesses 5 minutes in .. and appears to be really happy for me, she understands too she says as she knows a couple of other TS’s ... lifts my and Karen’s spirits, cause Karen was far more positive to questions from Lin than I thought she might be ... << SMILES>>.

She wanted to know my name and promises to use it when right. So we leave her house as closer friends I feel than when we arrived, she feels I have the right to be me without prejudice ... indeed. Talked about my experiences so far, Ascot raises some smiles, it appears she has never seen me leave the house ... now she knows she’ll be waiting to see me leave. Lin says her 2 daughters will be really happy for me too ... I’m sure they will know very soon .. LOL. Tomorrow is another day .. and Karen’s friend .. I’ll sleep happy tonight, If I don’t worry about tomorrow night ... I won’t even mention the “Q” word .. it’s history now I am sure ... it’s been 8 days, ignoring black Monday which was my fault though not in control, it’s been 14 days ... Yes.

Day 78. Thursday 24th February 2005.

Slept well again, given the late night we had after seeing our neighbour Lin last night. Get up with the alarms, check out of the window ... no snow .. excellent. Into work at a reasonable time, and the day was to pan out as pretty, average, though through a tip off got myself a 3.0Ghz Athlon XP Barton for £86 delivered ... that will make my main XP machine fly when I’ve got the XP Pro sorted .... grrrrr. Lunch is fun, I join a group of the girls from the office, saying goodbye to one who is leaving.

They all left before me, so it’s a short “power walk” to catch them up on route to a local bar. Got to stop doing that thing at that pace ... was only about 500 yds, but was a little to brisk, and sitting in the bar I was aware of the pain in my buds ... such is life ... and that’s with a magic vest on.  Chat in the bar got around to diets, and I commented I lost 2lb last week and my target was for about another 12lb.

One of the girls, “K” commented it would be an excuse to go and buy a new wardrobe, but “ you boy’s don’t appreciate shopping like us girls” .. which raised a giggle with the other girls .. I bit my lip very hard, grinning as little as possible .. oh er .. wait till I tell them at work in a few months time ... LOL. Afternoon drags by, contemplating tonight’s chat with Karen’s friend ... Hmmmm. Ride home and start to prepare myself mentally ... then the phone rings ... Karen’s friend  ... she’s not coming, she’s stuck at a hospital with an injured child from the school she is currently the nurse for.

Bum ... the wait goes on .. wanted to get that  one over and done with. Make a start trying to off load all the important stuff of my sick XP Pro machine on to a spare PC. Not looking forward to doing a total reload. Such is life with Microsoft products ... grrrrrrrrr. As for the “Q” word ... still OK.

Day 79. Friday 25th February 2005.

Another painful and cold night ... getting warm and staying that way without Karen getting overheated is a problem. Again I was woken up by my RH bud hurting like hell where I’d managed to trap it between upper arm and body while laying on my side. Anyway, up and out of here to work, but hey it’s Friday and the weekend starts tonight. Quietish day at work, just how a Friday should be.

Best lunch all week, cold sausage sandwich ... yummy ... one of my favourites still ... LOL ... Karen loves me.
The afternoon drags, little to do after reinstalling 3 phones for our tenants in our building. Home at last .. what to do .. damn .. need to fix XP pc but Karen and I are out to dinner with my Dad whose birthday (77) was yesterday and my wicked step mum. Sort of arrange a trip down to their place in Somerset at Easter in 4 weeks time, that’s going to be the day Dad & Dee get to learn about Sarah.

Well it’s the travel inn in Old Windsor, Dad & Dee like staying there, and as OAP’s they like it .. it’s cheap and the food is simple English ... and always served tepid ... complain .. moi ... yes I did, as I always do there ... excuses, excuses, same waitress as last few visits .. must see me coming

In the bar before we ate, I noticed 2 couples ( I  suspect of the uneducated drinking class ) sitting and drinking and often glancing my way. As we went to eat and walked past their table I caught the end of a male comment “ what was that? ” followed by male laughter .... I don’t care at all. Anyway we had a reasonable time and got home in time for an earlyish night by recent standards.

Day 80. Saturday 26th February 2005.

Wake up about 6.00 as I normally do, alarms or not. Due down the boat again today to do some more pre season work. To early at this time, another hours kip at least, snuggle down and dose off again ... wake with a start 2 1/4 hours later ... over an hour late for my pill and later than I wanted to get up and go. Do the bathroom duty  routine, and I’m ready to leave the house at 9.55 ... doh. Shoot into Camberley to get a half decent set of kitchen scales so we can start to weigh food properly and easily if we are both to cut down on what we eat ... hmmm .. wishful thinking maybe.

Argos in Camberley, at 10.08 in the morning ... it’s packed ... what so many people without anybody to snuggle up to on a Saturday morning ... lol. Takes 20 minutes to get what I want and leave. Quick visit to JD sports nearly opposite to get a sweat band to modify for work ( please mummy dear ) to put my door opening fob into and keep very handy ... gosh the new “security” system at work is a pain if like me you spend much of the day wandering around and through “locked” doors.

A group of “lads” looking at trainers eye me up and laugh ... let them .. I don’t care .. I expect to get more of this as I start doing more “andro” dressing, but today and last night I was in male mode really, just like at work everyday ... maybe that is the problem .. I don’t pass as male very well anymore ... <<sighs, smiles>>. Anyway, eventually get to the boat about 11.40 and get stuck in to jobs.

Well Bob does now know for sure that I will become a woman in a short while. With all the resent conversation with him about what I am doing and going through, I was slightly suspicious that he wasn’t fully aware of the final solution, and it became apparent after a few odd comments I dropped in to conversation, he didn’t. He was surprised almost when I told him I would be “swapping sides” later in the year, but without doubt now he knows ... and still seems to be OK with it. “ When you come sailing you’ll still be wearing jeans and things ” he asks ... Yes I say ... thinking when we are at sea ... not necessarily when we are going ashore ... <<grins>>.

Anyway, leave the boat later than expected, phone home, Karen not noo happy and she tells me to ring my mum and explain why we are not there. Phone mum ... get ear chewed off ... tell her we had planned / arranged to see her tomorrow when Claire is back from respite ... well so I had thought. Saturday night at home ... Chinese take away ... it’s a comfortable routine ... one thing with my main XP machine being broke ..

I’m doing everything on my laptop .. including this ... oh the luxury of a wireless network ... Karen can cuddle me on the sofa while I do my emails and surf the net ... tehe .. this is the life ... tomorrow I must get on with some PJ work otherwise I will jeopardise the work i n Colchester in 2 weekends time ... nightie nightie folks . On reflection, I’ve just realised this was the first Saturday for a while without an early morning weepie ... wow ... I’ve been pretty up beat in myself most of the week ... things are looking up for sure ... << big smiles >>.

Day 81. Sunday 27th February 2005.

It’s the Sunday morning weight in ... 13st 12 1/4 lb ...YES , yes .. another 1/2 lb off this week , not a lot really, but it’s off rather than on .. and due to the weather in the last week I didn’t get to do any serious power walks. “Pig out Wednesday” was a bit of a calorie stuffing session too ... well things should improve more now ... Get up and make tea for two ... back to bed ... would really have liked to have cuddle up longer this morning but there are things that need to be done.  Used the kitchen scales I bought yesterday for the first time, weighed my breakfast cereals this morning ... a “portion” of “Special K” is supposed to be 30g with 125ml (about 135g )  of semi skimmed milk.

30g would not keep a fly alive, settle for 40g with 140g of milk .... probably two thirds or half of what I’ve been stuffing in the mornings .... this is going to get interesting .... hmmm ... or even hungrier. Frustrating morning with computers is followed by a luxury lunch of sun dried tomato bread as a ham sandwich, and a little luxury .. 4 slices of buttered  “Christmas” malt loaf .. yummy. Go and see my mum in the afternoon after picking up Claire from respite. Didn’t feel I could take over my sewing I want her to do for me after yesterdays “heated” exchange. Seemed to have forgotten that when we get there ... told her I’d bring them over asap.

Having lost 2 inches now off my waist in last 12 weeks, few of my skirts fit ... doh. Dinner is a home made curry, made via the new scales to check amounts, seems Karen’s eye was spot on in the past ... LOL. Got a spare PC running XP Pro now ... just need to get some programs installed to make it useable. Seems I can’t pick up the mail boxes out of my broken machine ... hmmm ... this needs more work ... I’ll have to see if I can export it all out of Netscape mail ... grrrrr. Must say the buds are really getting to fill my 38AA M&S balconette bra quite nicely .... << GRINS>> ... and they are a lot more comfortable when being “cupped” properly.

Day 82. Monday 28th February 2005.

I don’t like Mondays, specially when the frost looks like snow at 6.00am ... <<brrrrr>> .. lol. So it’s up and out, get to work and hands take 30 minutes to become useable ... even with thick winter gloves on. Fortunately it proves to be a quiet day. The sort of job I do varies from day to day, including the work load. Some days it’s all go, other days you recuperate from the stressful times. Surf the net and find you can get spare inserts and backs for my SOS Talisman.

Chatting to Carolyn at work ( she who knows about me) .. there has been more comment to her about my finger nails ... “K” reckons I must “pay to have them done every week” .. we both giggle ... she’ll find out later in the summer. So lunch time’s power walk sees me trying 3 different chemists trying to get spares, two used to keep Talisman’s but no longer do .. no call ... eh .. sure I’ve read a larger proportion of the population suffer allergies now a days, than when I was first given mine by Karen about 20 years ago.

Looks like I’ll have to buy the bits on the internet. Think I need to add a note to mine about taking hormones and a blood clotting warning, just in case. So what bought this on ? .... I’ve had a couple more near misses on my motor bike since I was knocked off 3 weeks ago ... oh er. Buy a little treat at lunch time for dinner tonight, in New Quebec Street near Marble Arch there is a smashing little organic butchers that shows amazing looking sausages in the window ... I succumbed ... four “Wild Boar & Apple” and four “Pork, Honey and Mustard”... £5.03 ... gulp.

Karen does them for dinner, 3 each and 2 for my sandwich tomorrow ... <<grins>>. They were fantastic .. specially the wild boar ones. Crack the problem on my main XP computer ... having bought a copy of “Registry Medic”, which didn’t do anything for fixing the PC. I opened up my spare similar spec PC and borrowed the memory strip out of it ... clutching at straws. Open up troublesome PC, pull out memory strip and there is a wedge of fine bust between 2 chips like you would not believe. Try spare memory strip, and PC boots perfectly .... hmmmm.

Put original strip back in, clean ... PC boots fine ... grrrrrrr ... and PC memory had passed the “bios extended memory test” on boot up every time. We live and learn. Out for a beer later in the evening with Bob, owner of the boat I crew on. As we enter the pub, Lin my neighbour who we  told last week about Sarah is there with a couple of other women. We have seen each other there many times before, and normally it’s been a wave at each other and that’s it. Tonight she comes over, gives me a hug and two girlie air kisses ... <<blushes>> .. says hello and asks if I’m alright ... I am now ... <<smiles>>.

Not sure if she’s told her friends ... lol ... I’m not worried. Bob was a little taken back though ... and I explained that I had told Lin last week, and how accepting she proved to be. Lin then left shortly afterwards with one of her friends. Had a long chat with Bob after that about female attitudes to me when I tell them ... he’s surprised a bit ... but I think his understanding of Sarah is really beginning to come together. He’s yet to see pictures of Sarah, think he’s in for a bit of a shock when I show him next week.

Day 83. Tuesday  1st March 2005.

Get up with a smile on my face ... things are looking up after last night (computer and pub) even more. Initial snow turns to rain on way in to work .. at least it wasn’t as  cold as yesterday. The menu’s out for tomorrows “Pig Out Wednesday”... Japanese ..  a lot of fish ( very allergic here ) and a few “vege” options ... 8 Tofu pancakes in the form of Chinese crispy duck ones, and a side dish of soya beans ( high in estrogen’s ... <<winks>> .. ), even the rice had fish in it ... grrrrr ... could be interesting.

Mid morning power walk to Baker Street to tax my motor bike, visit the bank, and notice that “Holland & Barratt’s” are selling 1000mg odourless garlic (240 tabs) for less than half price ... so get a spare pot. As well as the hormones I take, Karen and I take garlic, “1300mg Evening Primrose oil” capsules, and 1 60mg Ginkgo Biloba tablet everyday. I also take Holland & Barrett “Skin, Hair and Nails formula”, a multi vitamin, 2 a day ... I often rattle on my way to work ... lol.

Sausage sandwich for lunch .. Pork, Honey and Mustard ones .. with tomato chilli pickle as usual ... “C” my colleague says “ blimey that smells strong” ... it’s the sausages .. delicious ... mmmmmm. The 3GHz Athlon XP Barton chip I ordered last week arrives in the afternoon. Rush home through a terrible down pour excited to do swap of CPU’s .... only to discover my earlier version of Asus A7V333 motherboard won’t support it ... grrrrrr ... I’ll have to get another board ... lucky late version Asus Athlon XP boards are being sold off really cheap now ...

“Spare portion” of Sunday nights chicken curry is my dinner tonight ... with orange jelly with mandarin oranges in for pudding ... Karen fancied it ... but a little sharp ... the fruit was in natural juices. Got to go do some real work now ... lol ... and it’s the “Mayflowers” Wolverton quiz night tomorrow, Karen and I are being picked up by a friend ( and T-girl) called Ashley at 7.15 ... so it’s going to be tight on time ... and an early night to night to if we get our way.

Day 84. Wednesday 2nd March 2005.

Up with the lark ... another freeze your B***s off morning ( that would save a bit of money ... if only ....LOL ). Get to work on time (ish) and get stuck in. It’s “Pig out Wednesday”, and I’m looking forward to my Japanese delicacies ... oh er. It arrives on time, my order is “Tofu Pancakes” and a portion of Soya beans. Hmmmm ... the pancakes are fine, if rather small ... more like a starter than the main course .. as for the beans ... YUK ...

Well I’m glad I bought my pudding ... banana and apple .... LOL. Most of the others are stuffing some sort of Sushi or Japanese “Fish and Chips” . I worry ... I’m very allergic to fish. An hour later I’m not feeling very good ... quite queasy in fact ... but this won’t count on the usual scale. I wonder if my pancakes were handled by somebody who just handled raw fish ... Feel poor till home time and it doesn’t get better when I get home.

Tg” friend Ashley calls to say she’s been ill all day and can’t do the meeting tonight which she was going to drive Karen and I too. So I get ready quickly and drive us myself. It’s a “Mayflower” group meeting at Kingsclere near Basingstoke, and it’s a quiz night .. in a pub style. Enough girls turn up to create 5 teams, sadly our team comes last but one ... such is life. The mobile fish and chip van arrives early ... and as I’d pre warned Sam the organiser of my fish problem .. it’s a steak & kidney pie and chips for me ... It’s a pleasant evening, if only the hall had been a bit warmer, the weather was very cold outside. Eventually get home and in bed at 12.30 ... 51/2 hours sleep before getting up time, and I do feel rough.

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