Sarah's Transition Diary .. days 1121 - 1148


.... is for those who might want to contact me about my diary.

Day 1121. Thursday 3rd January 2008.

00.35 .. I’m in the bedroom, Karen is awake and not happy with me .. sob, sob .. sorry.

01.10 .. I climb into bed, this isn’t really good enough. Karen is asleep still, which is one good thing. I lay there for a while .. I needed some quieter days at work with less stress .. I know I’m not going to get it.

04.10 .. I’m hot, really hot .. and awake .. I uncover myself totally, but then get too cold quite quickly .. I can’t win, so I cover my torso with the duvet leaving my legs free in the cool air. Eventually I dropped off.

05.50 .. The alarm actually woke me up .. but I’m really tired and just lay there looking at Karen for ages. She stirs eventually and offers me a cuddle.

06.50 .. I finally get up .. it’s going to have to be a quickie routine this morning.

07.20 .. I partially dress and head for the kitchen. I do a quick weight check .. 13st 13 ½ lb .. phew .. it’s getting better. I sort out my breakfast routine, taking my supplements, fanisteride and Spironolactone. I make Karen a cup of tea and take it upstairs .. I climb into bed for a warm.

08.05 .. I get up, finish dressing and get ready to leave ..    

08.20 .. Just about to get my bike kit on .. when I realise I need to do a quick e-mail to my late uncles solicitor to cover the envelope I posted through there letter box last night .. I go boot the PC and rattle of the e-mail that is needed.

09.02 .. I’m finally on road to work .. the roads are very quiet, quieter than last Friday still, I like this.

09.45 .. I’m in work .. my hands are frozen terribly. The news girl is shocked by the colour of them .. think florescent red you’ll get the idea. My right thumb is throbbing a bit with the cold.

A computer .. is my day’s work by the looks of it, a pleasant surprise is to discover that the machine has XP-Pro already on it, so no Vista to install over .. that’ll save me time for sure.

12.30 .. My alarm goes off to tell me to have my lunch, freshen up and walk down the road to Cristianos

Lunch is a ham roll, two very ripe plums and an apple. Post lunch I quickly wash my face and get ready to go.

12.55 .. I sign out of work, telling the temp receptionist my mobile will be switched off for the next 45 minutes.

13.00 .. I’m in Cristianos .. is the usual routine, except this is the first time I’ve seen this nurse in a while .. she’s the weekday manager .. last time was just after my bike accident. She sympathises with me over the “menopause” effect’s I’m suffering from. Well she hasn’t got a lot to do, I only counted 2 zaps on each cheek, and about 20 on my throat and chin. The top lip took about another 30 hits, more than I’m sure I had hairs .. I’m sure there wasn’t that many. I still don’t like the smell when she’s working just under my nose .. it really is horrible.

I’m soon sorted, £40 worth was all it took. As I settle my bill we chat about Thailand and when I might be back .. I guess mid March.

13.35 .. I head for the banks to pay some money in, then pay a visit to “Green Valley” .. the Arab food hall for some things, having checked with Karen to find out what I need to get .. LOL.

A second little sortie for some Lithium AAA cells proves expensive .. and I remember to get Jane a bar of Lindt 70% as a thank you for helping us on the phone when were stuck in Salisbury 2 weeks ago.

Lynn is in covering for the late Kevin Greening, she’s rather sad to be doing the job under the circumstances, which is understandable. She’s going to bring a letter in for me to read from an “Angel” group she works with, the group have been trying to do something for Karen and I and our home, apparently the letter makes interesting reading .. I look forward to reading it.

Back to that PC .. I’ve got it working pretty well I think with all the software the new girl needs. Henrietta who will her boss is going to try using it tomorrow to make sure one item of software in particular works the way she expects it to..

Call from my boss Gary .. well, well, our Newcastle Station that opens next week is producing real audio of it’s own .. as Marks show is coming from there next week .. we do a quick test of the intraplex feed to London from there .. seems good to me.

I spend some time completing the install of docking stations with wide screen monitors, keyboards and mice .. seems I’m two monitors short.

There’s been a major embarrassing cock up in the programming department, it’s going out on air too and nothing can be done. Some how they’ve managed to get to prerecorded inserts in this drive time show duplicated .. so the interview goes out twice, once with the correct music, a second time with the music for the what should have been a different interview .. are we in for some flack. Mike isn’t happy, it’s a stupid situation that the evening drive time show doesn’t have a dedicated producer .. if he did this wouldn’t have happened, with out a firing. 

18.45 .. I finally sign out of work .. gosh it’s cold. There is a lot of salt on the road which makes for a lot of dirty spray .. not good for visibility on the bike. The roads are quite quiet though’ so I make reasonable time even though I’m really taking it quiet easy.

19.25 .. I’m home .. time to strip off .. baked beans on the cooker .. can only mean one thing.

19.35 .. Dinner is served .. sausage, beans and chips .. followed by a yoghurt.

I head upstairs to try some of my “summer” skirts on .. the pink one I’ve loved, but been unable to wear since it mysteriously shrunk, now fits me, snugly, but I can wear it now for the flight out I think. I find 4 skirts that are desperate for adjustment .. well to be “elasticated” ..  my heavy grey denim full skirt won’t stay up anymore, so I hope my mum can do something with that too, it’ll be nice when I get home in February.

20.55 .. I head off for my mums place carrying 4 skirts. She’s in a bit of a state when I get there, the news of the fire at the Royal Marsten Hospital is the cause. She says, probably true, that the place saved her life, she had a brain tumour removed there about 10 years ago.

We discuss the sewing I want done .. she hopes she can cope with it as she’s not that strong anymore. We agree on what needs to be done to each skirt, she’ll do her best for Saturday.

21.55 .. I head for petrol in Egham, my little Sri-Lankan friend is on duty .. we chat for a while. 

22.14 .. I’m home, time for a cup of tea, Karen’s already had hers. I check my e-mails and go visible on Yahoo, then walk away from the computer briefly. When I return there is an open message box from a dear friend ..

22.43 .. Jessica from Indiana pops up for a chat .. it’s been a few weeks since we chatted. Mentioning what she offers to me will probably damn it to death, but she’s going to be in Hongkong next week on business, and thinks she’ll have a spare day, she wants to fly to Bangkok and get a cab to come and see me in the hospital on the 18th .. gosh I hope that will happen, that would probably be one very memorable moment if she can. I need to get some info on transport from Bangkok to Chonburi for her quickly. It’s an hour by cab, so I have offered to pay the taxi fair for her if she can make it.

She also wants to meet Dr Suporn. Although she’s a Dr Oustahaus fan, he did her FFS a couple of years ago, things are tight for her, and I think she’s now thinking what I’ve known for  a while .. Dr Suporn is probably the best, Dr Oustahaus charges considerably more fo possibly no improvement. He certainly doesn’t use Dr Suporn’s legendary technique. m

22.52 .. Maria pops up hor a chat .. as per usual she doesn’t stay long and just goes off line without a goodbye or anything .. but that’s the norm with her .. <<sighs>>.

23.03 .. “Janeisk” pops up for a chat .. well she has a complete profile, she’s very pleasant and wishes me luck .. I accept a contact note from her.

23.06 .. Jessica has to go, she and Sharon are going out for dinner .. so we say our goodbye’s .. I just hope she can make it to see me .. she’s a fantastic friend who we miss dearly .. just hope her current speculative business dealings bare fruit and they can return to England soon in the future.

23.19 .. Jane disappears after a short while too .. still don’t know where she is from .. “south west” is a large area .. LOL.

23.24 .. “sarah.b1968" pops up for a chat .. she wishes me well. Sarah B thinks I’m very brave to be doing this .. I think it would have been braver and probably fool hardy to continue as Trevor .. maybe if things hadn’t gone so well for me so far I’d be thinking differently.

23.35 .. Sandie from Poole pops up for a chat .. she wishes me well too .. we chat briefly, her line is very similar to Sarah B’s .. but I’ve known Sandie for a few years now on Yahoo, she’s into boats too and will be eager crew in the future.

23.45 .. Sandie heads for bed .. I must to really.

23.52 .. I say goodbye to “sarah.b1968" .. I must go to bed .. nightie night.

Completed from memory ands memory joggers while doing the Littlehampton round trip Friday  4th January.

Day 1122. Friday 4th January 2008.

00.02 .. I’m in the bedroom, Karen’s laying there reading a book. I head for the bathroom. I need the throne all of a sudden .. oo er .. I really hope I haven’t picked anything up at work, Florence who I spent most of yesterday sitting opposite was clearly unwell .. she promised me she wasn’t infectious.

00.35 .. I’m in bed .. I set the alarm for an hour later. I’m feeling a little warm at the moment !!!

It took me quite a time to dose off, after I was laying there for a while I cooled off, then I slept pretty well.

04.15 .. I’m pretty warm again, not glowing to the degree of the last few nights, I kick my feet free of the duvet and take a large drink of water. I layed there for ages .. a week to go till I fly ..  <<grimace >>. Tiredness took over eventually and I dosed off again.

06.50 .. The alarm wakes us up .. I just layed there for a while, I’ve found a comfortable “sweet spot” I suppose. Time for a cuddle .. but not for very long.

07.25 .. I head for a comfort break then go and make the tea .. I do a quick weight check .. 13st 12 lb .. phew .. back on track .. << grins >>. Tea made, I return to the bedroom and climb back into bed.

08.05 .. I need to shower .. and it has to be a fully monty. My face looks pretty good following yesterday’s laser session, very few marks indeed.

08.40 .. I’m just finishing off drying myself when I hear a mobile ringing .. I get to the phone as it hangs up. It was work calling, without an extension number I’m lost .. they’ll call again if it’s important. I partially dress but add my long sleeve pink top for warmth and head down to dry my hair off a bit.

08.50 .. Hair dry enough, I head for the kitchen ..  I do the kitchen routine, it’s my last day on Spironolactone today, and my last day of Oestrogel that should have been softening the with drawl of the Progynova a week ago. Breakfast is taken in front of the PC checking my e-mails ..

I copy the diary across to the laptop in preparation for the drive to Littlehampton.

09.55 .. I head upstairs to finish dressing, my long denim skirt and cream knitted cardigan should keep me warm. I need to do a quick glue job on a couple of finger nails to preserve them. I don’t want to do replace all my reenforcing’s till Thursday or Friday, immediately before I fly off.

We load the car, preparing it to bring Claire home for a final visit if she’s willing and peaceful.

10.28 .. We head for Littlehampton for the meeting to discuss Claire’s move to Alfreton in Derbyshire .. Karen’s driving so I can type. We’ve left plenty of time so it shouldn’t be a rush. As we head down the M3 and off through Aldershot we are discussing my uncles legacy, he always wanted us to hve a Mercedes, I’m suggesting getting a purple A class for a few years. It’ll cost more than a new Jazz, and I’m sure if we kept it for a couple of years, we could then buy a new Jazz. Karen isn’t sure, a colleague of hers at work has just got one and is rather flash with it, though hers isn’t a new one apparently, Karen doesn’t want to get tarred with the same brush.

My company phone rings .. It’s Elliot .. he wants to do a screen dump of one of the RCS screens in the studio, to send to Newcastle for doing Marks show next week. I suggest he uses the company digital camera, and do it that way .. he seems to think that is too difficult, I don’t him messing with an RCS computer in my absence .. he goes away in a strop.

11.50 .. We arrive at Claire’s current care home near Littlehampton. The meeting is due to start at 12.00. We plan to go and lunch at a pub when the meeting is finished, assuming Claire refuses to come home. If she comes home .. we won’t .. rumble, rumble .. << grimace, sighs >>. Once in the home, we head for the loo’s.

12.00 .. The meeting starts, there’s only six of us there. The first thing we learn is that they are delaying her move by a week .. this is not what I wanted to hear, they are  now going to move her on Thursday 17th .. something else for me to stress over while laying in hospital. After about half an hour I start ot get a bit flushed, off comes the cardie and I’m fanning myself with some card lying on the table.

Most of the conversation is pretty positive, seems Claire has been quite up beat for the last 48 hours with big Bob form the Alfreton home being there to work with Claire. Conversation swings from her refusal to come home at Christmas to what if she refuses to leave the room again to go to Alfreton. Sean, the local West Sussex social worker gets very officious and my hackles start to rise .. I’m getting annoyed, specially when Sean says about calling in the police to escort Claire to Derby if she refuses to go. I’m starting to get really warm and getting distressed at Sean’s attitude towards Claire .. just a job to him, there is no compassion at all.

Sean also is transfixed by the use of Lorazipan as a drug cosh to make Claire supposedly easier to handle .. it clearly doesn’t work with Claire and makes her more agitated, my suggestion of a Valium goes unnoticed and ignored by him. My view of Sean has changed completely.

As the meeting ends they want to arrange another meeting for next Thursday .. this is going to interfere with my arrangements, I’ll have to arrange my eyelash tint for the later part of the afternoon. So we are going to get together at 11.00 next Thursday, after big Bob and his staff have tried to get Claire into there car the day before to go down the road to the local drive through Macdonald’s .. something Claire should like todo given normal circumstances.

13.10 .. The meeting proper is over, and Sean departs along with one of the home staff, leaving big Bob, Karen, one of Claire’s current senior workers and I to chat freely.  Bob goes through an old folder of stuff Claire related, and finds a photograph from about 4 years ago of “daddy” .. “you’ve changed a lot Sarah” he says with a grin. Bob takes a few more notes from us about her reactions to certain circumstances .. like Claire not co-operating with a dentist if they wear gloves .. take the gloves off she’ll be happy.

My hot flush subsides a little, I think getting agitated and wound up by Sean didn’t help me at all.

13.45 .. We finish off and try to go and see Claire. Our first appearance in the room upsets her and basically she sends us out. We try again singly, she lets us in only for a goodbye kiss .. better than nothing I suppose.

14.02 .. We are on the road, I had wanted to go for lunch somewhere local like the new beach café, clearly not Karen’s cup of tea, so we head for home. Karen suggests another couple of places .. when she realises I’m not too happy, I suggest we just go home .. so we do, I’m sure it’s what she wanted anyway.

14.20 .. We stop at the little farm shop we like, we buy some of their fancy sausages, a loaf of crusty granary bread and a small slice of “Waterloo” for Karen, I’ll try and avoid it.

Back on the road, we are about 8 miles past Petworth when we are stopped, apparently there is a tree down blocking the road, it’ll be 20 minutes before it’s clear, so we turn around and head down some country lanes heading for Haslemere to then get on the road for Guildford again.
“Kate” gets a little upset at our change of direction, in the end she picks up the new route and she goes quiet .. LOL.

15.45 .. We are home .. I help unload the car then go set all the PC kit booting. As Karen prepares “lunch” .. I make a call to Berkshire Social Services to try and get my late uncles affairs sorted .. some hope .. the chap I’ve been expecting a phone call from for months isn’t there .. on holiday till Monday .. I’m promised a call back .. this a government / social services promise .. time will tell. While I’m on hold there while they seek a file or records of my uncle, my company mobile rings .. it’s the company who wi;ll be covering me 3 days a week till my return .. I’ll call them back.

16.05 .. Lunch is served .. Karen’s nearly finished .. bread, cheese, Italian ham .. and a little honey. I have a couple of the Arab pastries I bought home yesterday .. 1000 calories a bite says Karen, they are terrific, she’s probably right, 

16.25 .. I call the engineering company back, and make arrangements for their two engineers to come and see me on Monday to shadow me and find out what is what at the radio station.

16.45 .. To the PC, copy the diary back and check my e-mails. I do a quick upload of yesterday’s now completed diary and today’s so far ..

19.15 .. Dinner is served .. it’s ham salad with new potatoes, pudding was natural bio yoghurt with sliced banana and a swirl of honey .. very healthy I am sure.

For a while I start to get painfully short of breath .. I don’t know why, so I go and sit and lay on the settee. On all fours on the floor it starts to ease after a while .. I’m not sure what caused that.

Tax return time .. it’s more stress .. luckily I do have most of the information I need to hand .. but this takes some time. I’ve lost some of the share dividend tax certificates, so have to rake through two bank accounts listing all I have received.

21.00 .. A cup of tea and 2 pieces of Turkish delight .. mmmm .. then back to the tax return.

Though most of the data had been imported by TaxCalc from last year .. it’s not all totally correctly interpreted .. which is odd .. so I have to open last years version too. While I’m doing this I have to stay off line .. I need to concentrate.

22.15 .. Karen heads to bed, my promise of following her up as I could leave this somewhere I did mean .. but time flies, and several times I though I’d done it just to get another surprise or hold up .. DOH. I should have left it, but I just want to get this sorted bar the printing.

23.30 .. Tax return completed I think .. it’s not good news .. I owe the tax man some money .. thanks to an error 4 years ago that rumbled on till Feb 2007 .. I’ll do the print out tomorrow so I can post it Monday.

I check my e-mails ..

23.55 .. Time for bed .. nightie night. 

Completed from memory and memory joggers Saturday 5th January.

Day 1123. Saturday 5th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

00.05 .. I’m in the bedroom, Karen is reading her book.

00.45 .. After a little maintenance in the bathroom I return to bed. Karen was asleep I think before I climbed in.

This time next week I’ll have been in the air for about 3 hours on my 11hr 6,500 mile flight. It’ll be here in a flash and I’ve got so much to do that is weighing on my mind. Eventually I fall asleep.

04.30 .. I’m very warm, not as bad as some nights .. I take a drink and half open the duvet to get some cool air against me.

06.15 .. I’m awake .. auto pilot has kicked in. In fact I feel very awake .. I lay there looking at Karen in the dim glow from outside. Eventually I fall asleep, little cat naps.

07.15 .. I’m aware of Karen being out of bed, I’m feeling chilly now .. she’ll be even colder when she gets back, so I roll into her side of the bed to keep it warm for her. When she returns, she moans that I’ve made her side too warm .. DOH .. love is .. << smiles >>.

08.30 .. I get up to make the tea. After a short trip to the bathroom I head downstairs .. the last Saturday morning weigh in ... 13st 12 1/4 lb .. that 1/4 lb will be yesterday’s lunchtime cheese.

08.50 .. I return with the tea, and switch the TV on .. time for some cuddles .. none of this for a few weeks when I’m away .. thinking of how I’ll miss Karen brings me to tears ..

09.50 .. I head for the bathroom and a quicky routine .. but I spot some area’s needing maintenance .. bang goes another 15 minutes. I get back into bed for a warm afterwards .. LOL.

10.30 .. I get up and dress fully .. and head down stairs for breakfast and my supplements .. what no HRT at all now !!!

Battles trying to get main computer to print from TaxCalc or Adobe Reader .. Adobe reader is at fault I’m sure. It just wants to keep printing to a file, rather than the printer, even though the the “print to file” check box isn’t checked.

Karen’s busy dismantling the Christmas tree ...

I resort to reinstalling Adobe reader .. when it comes back, the print to file tick box is showing as ticked .. I un-tick it, and it prints .. glory be. However I’ve missed the deadline for the local post office .. DOH.

13.30 .. Lunch is served .. soup with the remains of yesterdays lovely bread, I save some of that for a good slick of honey .. mmmm, The naughty bit is a slice of chocolate log cake .. we’ve got so much food still left from Christmas.

I check my e-mails then finish doing the Christmas tree.

14.28 .. Checking my e-mails, I’ve got a reply from Rosie ( an ex colleague ) who I sent some contact info too yesterday .. she’s pregnant .. which is brilliant news .. the morning sickness obviously isn’t so good .. but I’m so pleased for her .. I just know she’ll be a great mum !!! I miss Rosie at work, it’s real shame she left .. << sighs >>.

15.05 .. We are on the road to my mum’s. When we get to Egham, Karen wants to go and do some shopping, I want to go too but I’m told to go to my mum’s .. I think she wants to be alone. So I head for my mum’s and go in.

15.20 .. Mum’s altered 3 of the 4 skirts so far, I need to change the needle on her machine before she can do the heavy denim skirt .. I do that for her then go try the other three on .. great .. they fit .. thanks mum. She’s also giving me two skirts as well, one is brand new, both are gypsy style with elasticated waists. She’s a bit bigger than me, but the skirts fit fine at the moment.

She’s soon got the denim one done too and I try that on. It now fits a lot better, but that’ll be staying here for my return .. it’s not a skirt for summer temperatures. I’m worried that two of the skirts should have hook and bars on, well one has a hook but no bar already.

Mum makes me sew them on, she was teaching me to sew when I was about 7 till my father stopped her, because I wanted to .. so I had some idea. She teaches me a couple of tricks with the hook and the two bars .. she thinks I’ve done a good job anyway.

Sewing sorted, it’s tea, biscuits and chat .. this soon degenerates into a bit of an argument, she’s telling me that British surgeons are the best in the world, the ones at Royal Marston are the best in the world. Do they do SRS mum ? .. NOoooo. I go into a few details after she mentions she’d seen an operation on TV recently and that the patient was in a lot of pain. Sounds like it was done in England, definitely not a Dr Suporn job .. he doesn’t let anybody film his technique .. I try to explain why he’s probably number 1 in the world.

17.50 .. We leave my mum’s nipping round to my accountants office in Staines to post a form through his letter box, before heading for home.

18.20 . .We are home .. Karen disappears up stairs then soon reappears and hands me a bag .. she has been shopping. She’s bought me a silver “Guardian Angel” and a replacement for the cross she bought me for Christmas. The cross is slightly smaller, but it’s prettier I think with some nice relief in the surface. The chain is too small .. but such is life .. I can use one of my long snake chains with it.

I’d printed out some contact information stuff to give to a couple of neighbours, Karen sees the envelops I’ve done. I was just trying to do something to give me a little piece of mind at home, should something go wrong while I’m away. It’s all wrong .. I shouldn’t have done it apparently, a row follows and I end up tearing them up in anger. If things go wrong at home, I can’t contact Karen for some reason .. I’ve just got to worry about it now, or rely on a long chain if anything goes wrong to get information to me .. the chain suggested by Karen starting with her sister Tracy I would not trust at all. If something happens at home, nobody will know locally who to contact .. Karen might be missed upto 60 hours later at school .. Tracy could find out then maybe, she’d not know who to contact in our street .. but ho hum.

19.10 .. Unhappy .. I return to the PC and add some diary notes, then head upstairs to set the spare bedroom up for some packing for my trip.

20.35 .. Dinner is served, I’d hoped for something nice from the Indian, but with the current atmosphere Karen has decided to do pasta in a spicy tomato sauce, with some slices of sausage in it .. I accept my punishment. Pudding is mince pies and Cornish ice cream, a large dollop of Brandy creme is comforting .. and see’s the last of the pot into the bin.

21.15 .. Back to the pc .. I sit and create an index page for my Chonburi trip. This is only going on my site, not the Tiscali one.

A long chat with a rather voyeristic chap and with Sarah.B ..

23.30 .. I call it a night ..

More to come ... maybe ..

Day 1124. Sunday 6th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

23.35 .. In the bathroom ..

00.10 .. In bed ..

04.20 .. What is it with this time .. steaming hot !!!

06.30 .. Auto pilot wake up call .. doh

09.10 .. I need a comfort break .. and slip in a weight check .. 13st 13 1/4 lb.

Time for a cuddle or two ..

10.30 .. Finally get out of bed feeling guilty .. so much to do.

11.05 .. I’m downstairs sorting breakfast .. I really must get cracking on things ..

Job 1 .. Put Christmas decorations away .. I use this opportunity in the loft to flip a couple of switches on the modulator on Claire’s bedroom spy camera .. to change the frequency. When I switch the TV on to see where it is now, the TV is displaying a snowy picture off air from a distant transmitter .. that explains why the camera picture was so “grimbely”. The camera picture is now fairly nice.

Job 2 .. Start some packing ready for my trip ..

12.35 .. I head for Waitrose with my shopping list ..

13.55 .. Lunch is served .. “Covent Garden” soup, a little bread and honey and a scone .. sorry with jam and a small dollop of cream .. << grimace >> .. I need comfort food every now and then.

14.50 .. Job 3 .. I need to get replacement copies of my travel documents ..

It takes a phone call and racking through some e-mails .. but after a while I’ve got into the Eva site and got a reprint of my seat booking, and a copy of my Travel insurance ..

Back to a little more packing ..

18.30 .. Dinner is served .. it’s the final traditional roast before I go to food heaven ( I do love decent Thai food ) ..

19.10 .. Back to the PC .. Gaynor from Guildford pops up for a chat ..

22.15.10 .. I hit the road running .. literally, I’m really feeling guilty.

22.28.18 .. It’s not a good time .. I did have to slow to a fast walk a couple of times to blow my nose .. you tried blowing your nose when running !!! LOL. At the end of the run, my right thumb is killing me. 

Karen’s still up doing an e-mail to Jamie.

I boot the laptop .. to find that my CuteFTP has stopped working .. I have to rebuild the site manager in it .. I hope this isn’t going to let me down in Thailand. It’s working after a while.

I go back to the Trans-mission chat room to check that works in Firefox on the laptop .. it does, but that one chat room won’t work in just this room on my main PC .. that is really odd.

01.15 .. highly stressed and not feeling tired .. I have to go to bed to try and sleep .. nightie night.
More to come ... maybe ..

Day 1125. Monday 7th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

02.15 .. I’m in bed ..

04.30 .. a very warm moment ..

05.50 .. The alarm failed to wake me ..

06.10 .. But Karen did .. I head for the shower ..

07.10 .. Back in the bedroom .. Karen’s late ..

Hair dried, I do a quick weight check .. 13st 13 1/4 lb ..

08.17 .. I’m on the road to work, following Karen down to the main road .. she’s late too. The traffic is not a bad as I feared for a Monday ..

09.04 .. I’m in work ..

I try to call Jill, director of personnel and get her voice mail .. this is the start of a series of phone calls .. which apart from one brief moment when she rings my mobile and I’m on the phone trying to help someone .. our planned chat never happens.

10.00 .. Mark and Phil have arrived to shadow me apparently for the next 3 days .. actually I could do with out this at the moment .. this should have happened before Christmas. I give them the full guided tour of the building.

12.05 .. After a chat with the recently new girl Sarah .. I’m taken to meet today’s starters .. another Sarah and Casey .. there are very pleasant and I sort out some drive mappings for them.

Mark & Phil decide to go to lunch .. giving me time to prepare things for this afternoon’s trip to Stuart’s home.

12.40 .. I get to eat my lunch .. a ham sandwich, an apple and a bag of grapes .. hey where’s my banana now I’m off the Spironolactone .. DOH.

Stuart’s new router gives me some initial grief .. but I get through that. Carolyn calls me a mini cab.

15.05 .. I’m in the cab on my way to my MD Stuarts home, armed with a laptop and the new router, which hopefully will be plug and play.

15.20 .. Michaela ( hope that’s the spelling ) welcomes me with a smile and leads me upstairs.

I start by replacing the router for the new one, my preparation was good, it does indeed plug and play. Now I thought there new printer was supposed to be wireless .. not so .. it needs a cable to the router, lucky there was one with the new router.

I soon have the printer installed on Michaela’s PC .. and do a test print. Michaela offers me a cup of tea and a “homemade” mince pie. I should really have passed on the mince pie .. but I need some comfort here .. and it was.

I collect the house hold MAC expert, there daughter, to help me install the new HP printer on that. Well I managed to login on the MAC as administrator eventually, with some good guessing of name and password by Michaela .. LOL. My first attempt to install the printer goes pare shape when I failed to notice the MAC hadn’t found the new router .. DOH .. it’s a MAC .. they don’t give up secrets easily .. not like a PC to me anyway.

18.15 .. After a chat on the doorstep, I head round the corner to the bus stop, I have to wait about ten minutes for a number 6 bus .. gosh the wind was cold, my little 3/4 length mac isn’t very warm.

18.25 .. I’m on the bus, the Oyster card machine is broken .. it’s a free ride. Initially it goes along quite quickly till we hit the Edgware Road .. then it’s rush hour traffic.

19.00 .. I could have walked the last ½ mile quicker, the bus is stationery, I follow the action of another passenger and ask the driver to let me off .. freedom.

19.05 .. I’m back in the office .. just what I need more grief .. I need to be able to divert the studio phone lines to the Newcastle studio’s for Mark’s show tomorrow. Nice to see Mark one of my covers still here. I try to use the “*” services feature, but because the call in numbers aren’t real BT numbers, it doesn’t work.

A call to my engineering boss Gary wasn’t as helpful as I might have hoped ..

He helps me trace who our 0845 provider is, my brain is over stressed and spluttering along at the moment ..I can’t remember there name. I did call a few friends .. including Chris my ex colleague from 18 months ago .. but he can’t remember anyway.

Eventually, with marks help I discover we are with Opal, I try calling them but only there emergency service is running, I need to call back in the morning. So be it .. Mark heads for home while I pack up.

21.21 .. I give Karen a couple of phone rings at home then hang up .. she’ll know the meaning.

21.25 .. I ride away from work .. it’s a quick run and I strike it lucky with traffic lights.

21.55 .. I don’t believe it, but I’m at the bottom of Egham Hill on the A30, I nip left into the High Street and fill the bike up.

22.05 .. I’m home and alive. Well the news is Karen’s got Thursday morning off for this meeting in Littlehampton .. bum Thursday si going to be hellish busy .. Roll on Friday night and I’m powerless to do anymore !!!

22.15 .. I’m stripped off, dinner is a simple chicken sandwich and a few olives, a Kiwi yogurt acts as pudding / cake .. and a banana follows. A cup of tea washes it all away.

22.30 .. Karen shows me a couple of DVD’s and I show her how to remove the SD card from the new camera .. she’s been playing with it, hand held indoors this afternoon doing close ups of some flowers with no flash .. awesome colours. She really had pushed her luck with shutter speed .. but one is pretty good to be honest. Hopefully she’ll retry with the tripod ..
Karen heads up to bed .. I do some rapid diary. And check my e-mails .. I’ve had a couple I must answer through my diary@ e-mail address ..

Dear Sarah
just to wish you all the best for your trip to Thailand. It has been a privilege to be allowed to see the ups and down of your transition and honest way you have presented it through your diary.
Best wishes for a wonderful journey

Dear Sarah,
I have over time read your diary with great interest.
You of course don't know me but nevertheless I would like to sincerely wish you all the very best regarding your Thailand visit, which I believe is in the next few days.
I admire your bravery and whether you know me or not maybe it still helps to know that someone in this internet ether is thinking of you.
I hope you come home a new woman and will be very, very happy.
I would love to know how you get on.
God bless.
Fiona xxx


A public thank you girls, your messages are kind and appreciated. I’ve never tried to mislead anybody here .. I tell it as it is.

An old friend “chastitybeltmaid” comes for a chat on Yahoo .. she’s wishing me luck for next week too ..

01.10 .. I’ve had enough.

More to come ...

Day 1126. Tuesday 8th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

01.25 .. I’m in the bedroom and strip off. In the bathroom my top lip is ready for a little post laser plucking .. I remove about 18 little black dots .. another 6 or so I can’t get .. give it a couple of days they’ll be gone too .. so a nice clear face ready for hospital .. << smiles >>. 

02.10 .. I’m in bed .. but can’t sleep still

04.10 .. I’m pretty warm .. not as bad as some night’s .. but not good.

05.50 .. The alarm did wake me up ..

06.10 .. I’m out of bed and heading for the bathroom .. it’s got to be a quicky ..

07.18 .. I’m on the road to work ..

08.07 .. I sign in to work .. a quick strip in the back office and straight into it. The first call to our 0845 provider draws a blank .. I need to go through a reseller who doesn’t open till 09.00.

09.05 .. I get an answer .. I now need to send an email with all the important info on it ..

Mark and Phil arrive .. they make a start on some things ..

09.35 .. I get a confirmation that the studio phones will be diverted for 190 minutes from 09.55 for today and the rest of the week .. phew .. forward on the confirmation.

Phil heads out to Maplin’s .. but soon returns after it started to rain .. DOH.

It’s non stop again ..

12.30 .. I go and collect my lunch .. Mark and Phil go to find a café to eat in.

15.10 .. Another late outing .. I head for Selfridges .. things to buy as little gifts in Thailand .. I want some decent “English” chocolates for the nurses .. and maybe an Evylin & Crabtree mini set for the nurse who will “sleep with me” the night after my surgery .. it’s the least I can do.

16.10 .. I crash through the reception door about to pass out .. I’m glowing profusely .. Carolyn tells me to sit on a reception sofa .. and plies me with cold water .. gosh this is a bad one. A few staff walk through reception and ask if I’m ok .. my heart is racing and I’m short of breath. It takes about 20 mins to cool down. While I’m sitting there MD Stuart comes through and a wants to thank me for sorting things at his home yesterday, and wishes me well for my trip if he doesn’t see me tomorrow. 

A call from social services re my late uncle .. looks like we might get a settlement soon from them.

18.10 .. I try to call Karen, she’s ignoring all the phones accept the main home phone which is engaged .. she makes excuses later. The good news is that it looks as if they muight move Claire this Friday. 

19.30 .. I finally ride away from work .. the roads are still pretty quiet. Problem is it’s getting windy, I’m being blown all over the place on the M4 .. it’s scary. On the M25 it’s even worse, the wind seems to be coming from different sides and I’m forced to duck down behind the fairing and ease off a couple of times.

20.15 .. I’m home, safe happily.

20.20 .. Dinner is served, it’s chicken soup like Karen used to make for the boat .. fabulous .. almost a stew .. << smiles >>. A bread roll for the “soup” is saved for a good slick of honey. Pudding is a bowl of strawberries and blue berries, with natural bio yoghurt and a slick of honey .. nice.

20.35 .. I call Tony back, we know he called earlier and didn’t leave a message.

Tony has signed up for Virgin broadband .. his router has arrived .. my favourite Netgear DG 834G. It seems that his PC hasn’t got a NIC to connect the router too. He has some other questions too. I offer to go round, take a spare network card and fit it for him.

After some messing around, not only have I found a spare network card, but also two spare SCSI cards .. I wanted one a couple of weeks ago for the “new_main” PC .. for my SCSI scanner.

21.10 .. I head round to Tony’s .. it’s horrible outside.

21.14 .. I’m in Tony’s and he takes me to my baby .. it’s a PC I built for him a few years ago. OH MY GOSH .. the lid off reveals not only a network card already in, but enough dust and fluff to fill a cushion with .. << grimace >>. We can’t hoover it out now cause the kids are in bed, he’ll do it tomorrow after I’ve told him how.

he makes me a cup of tea and we retire to the dinning room and chat at the table. We cover a lot of bases .. including Thailand and what to do when I get back .. wish I was back now.

Time flies and I really must get back home.

23.00 .. I leave Tony’s .. he wishes me a safe trip and hopes everything goes well .. he wants to exchange some e-mails while I’m there .. sounds good to me.

23.05 .. I’m back in doors .. Karen’s in bed .. I head for the PC to check my e-mails. I print the copy of the letter sent to me by Dr Perring to take with me to the doctor’s in the morning.

Chats with Abby in Arizona and Petra from Essex ..

01.15 .. I must go to bed ..

More to come ...

Day 1127. Wednesday 9th January 2008.
(OP day - 7 days )

Memory Joggers ...

01.25 .. I’m in the bedroom ..

02.10 .. I’m in bed ..

04.45 .. It’s late .. the heat that is .. I’m warm again .. very warm.

05.50 .. The alarm goes off ..

06.20 .. I finally drag myself out of bed .. to the shower and a full monty .. but not before a quick weight check .. 13st 13 3/4 lb .. off the Spironolactone the weight is slowly creeping up.

07.10 .. I’m dry and partially dressed .. I head down stairs to dry my hair and have breakfast

07.52 .. I head for the doctors surgery, but run into un expected traffic .. DOH.

08.02 .. I’m parked outside the surgery .. nobody can get in .. we are locked out, I’m standing making small talk with three other women.

08.10 .. We are let in ..

08.20 .. We are given the bad news that the doctor, who lives “ 5 minutes away” is stuck in a jam, there’s been a bad accident on the Red Road at Macdonald Road .. it’s the local blackspot.

08.38 .. I’m finally called in by my GP. He’s got Dr Perrings letter.

New prescription for Duphaston as recommended by DR’s Ried and Perring. Bad news is our Dr is leaving the practice.

08.55 .. I leave the doctors .. sad about his news, really sad, he’s looked after me and our family so well for the last 20 years or more.

I get the bike out and give the fuel tank a really heavy dose of Redex ..

09.35 .. I’m finally on the road ..

10.17 .. I arrive at work, I head through to the back office to get my bike kit off .. Kirsten is in and she engages me in conversation after asking if this is my last day. She’s being very kind .. just hope the rest of the folk are like this today.

10.35 .. In my office, Mark and Phil are hard at it .. so it seems. Good news apparently .. the engineering conference call is cancelled.

I need to sort the two new laptops for the new girls, Sarah and Casey

12.00 .. I’m sorting out the new laptop for the new Sarah, when Jane comes over to me smiling .. “I’m getting you a cake lunchtime .. I take it a chocolate one would be in order ?” .. I smile back .. you know how I hate chocolate !!! .. she giggles.

12.45 .. I must eat my lunch .. the ham sandwich, apple and a banana returns .. but for one day only .. LOL.

I start and finish, Casey’s laptop.

14.50 .. I do some management on the server that drives our printers .. removing 3 defunct printers and add the new one we’ve just set up.

16.35 .. I creep down the studio corridor and peek round the corner .. and duck back, but I’ve been seen. Carolyn is also behind me now and I’m sent into the room. There’s a bit of a cheer then Gavin the programme director does a spiel about me, asking me questions as he goes that require my participation. I’m quite moved by this clear show of respect and appreciation from my colleagues. Even the two new starters from Monday who don’t really know me, well after Gavin’s speech they do .. LOL .. are verbal with encouragement.

I make a reply the best I can, but I’m really trying to suppress my feelings here, I’m close to tears but my makeup isn’t waterproof.  

Disaster .. where’s my phone manager directory gone ???

21.30 .. I finally leave work ..

22.05 .. I’m in the Shell garage in Egham, the good news is that they’ve got VPower back for the first time since before new years eve. The bike gets filled up ready for storage.

22.18 .. I’m home .. I strip my kit off and Karen reads the card my colleagues gave me to thinks it’s really nice too.

22.25 .. My supper is served .. the last of Karen’s chicken soup .. followed by one mince pie and some Cornish ice cream.

22.45 .. I go to the PC .. got some nice e-mails .. Chris my ex colleague from work offers good wishes and a warning ..

Hi Sarah,

Good luck with your GRS in Thailand. Hope it all goes well and the result is good.

Just thought I might alert you to Thai green curry. I have recently bought some Thai green curry sauce from the Curry Sauce Co. who market some very acceptable sauces here, but it does contain FISH SAUCE. I know you are allergic to fish and also your liking to Thai food, so I was wondering if Thai green curry had the same ingredients in Thailand.

Good luck, talk to you on skype when you are there, and see you on your return. You might get a peck on your cheek when you are truly female ;o)


I also get a nice one from Christine, my artist friend who has as usual included a picture in her mail to me .. I’m sure she won’t mind me posting it here .. it’s certainly something nice to look at .. and it’s one of hers from the signature. 

Hi Sarah,

Thinking of you, and will see you on the 11th of Feb. You'll be all done then, getting better, and preparing to go home, just how good is that?
Chris called today and sends her best wishes, Maddy likewise.
So far I'm calm about what's ahead, and excited about the results. I do however have my head firmly stuck in the sand and fully intend to leave it there for as long as possible. I may however be like a jelly on springs when I arrive in Bangkok.
                                                  All my best wishes,                                                                                           
Christin'e picture

From my old diary site I get a nice e-mail ..

   Hi Sarah,
    Having read your diary over the last few months, I have found it to be very open and honest.
    I am going "full-time" on 1st Feb and although I am going through the NHS route, your story has been both interesting and comforting to me.
    Thank you for taking the time to write such a full account of your life leading up to this point and I would like to wish you all the best for your operation,
    Hope all goes well,
    Shirley Jane

On my new domain, a couple of “friends” have written nice e-mails too ..

I just wanted to wish you all the best in Chonburi.  Dr Suporn and the girls are marvelous and I was lucky enough to have a great crowd in the Mercure as well.

Take care and live your dream,
Kate Phiz

Finally I’ve got a nice mail from Kylie in Truro ..

Dear Sarah
Just a few words to say I wish you well for your long awaited trip to Thailand.  As you are well aware I read your diary regularly and have reached the point of feeling all your disappointments and tribulations almost by proxy. Take care, have a speedy recovery, I will be counting the days to when you return and if you feel able to give a account of events. 
my heart goes with you

00.26 .. I need to go to bed, and as time will be tight tomorrow, I do a quick transfer to the laptop ..

More to come ..

Day 1128. Thursday 10th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

01.20 .. I’m in the bedroom, Karen’s snoozing. I head for the bathroom. I need the throne for a while .. and promptly start to dose off .. DOH .. waking with a start.

02.05 .. I’m in bed .. I’m starting to feel a little warm, though I’m tired I just can’t clear my mind of things .. at the moment .. too much rattling around in here

It took me quite a time to dose off, after I was laying there for a while I cooled off, then I slept pretty well.

03.55 .. I’m pretty warm again, I kick my feet free of the duvet and take a couple of sips of water. I layed there for ages .. a week to go till I fly ..  <<grimace >>. Tiredness took over eventually and I dosed off again.

05.50 .. The alarm wakes us up .. do .. and it’s rather warm in the house .. no it is the house not me .. I must have left the heating turned up when I came to bed last night .. DOH .. I’m pretty well brain dead at the moment with the stress of everything. Should have set the alarm for an hour later too.

06.50 .. I get up and head for the bathroom, fighting back the tears .. I’m going to be so lonely in Thailand without Karen .. I can’t imagine surviving life without her, she means so much top me .. love is enduring.

07.25 .. I head for the kitchen .. via the lounge to boot the PC,  I do the kitchen routine, Karen is there making us tea .. and I do a weight check .. it’s good news .. 13st 13 1/4 .. the two thin slices of chocolate cake in the afternoon with a bowl of soup at 22.25 diet seems to work well .. << grimace >> .. or was it all the running around the office yesterday. Breakfast is taken in front of the PC checking my e-mails .. I’ve got a couple more best wishes ones .. I’ll have to do some replies when I can.

08.08 .. I head upstairs to finish dressing, dressing to be warm, my long denim skirt and a warm T shirt .. I don’t want to dress too warm just in case. I need to do an emergency glue job on a couple of finger nails to preserve them, I’ve managed well the last few days, but tomorrow I’ll spend a couple of hours doing a complete new set of reenforcing’s.

08.20 .. I’m in the car heading to Staines to sign and collect our two sets of accounts. I make good time to Egham so I pop into the Shell garage to top the Jazz up with some Vpower.

08.54 .. I park outside my accountants offices just off Staines High Street. The receptionist lets me in and I’m ushered into an office for the signing’s. As the accounts have been done by two different people, I have to see two different people to sort the signing. Total trust, I sign them without reading .. I’m in a hurry. The good news is they found the accounts and the important bank statements for my limited company from last year, so I walk away with three sets of accounts.

09.06 .. I’m back on the road heading for home, from Staines I head “across country” and pass my old school .. looks like “assembly” is on.

My Sarah phone starts to ring .. it’s my mum. I put it on loudspeaker and continue talking to her. She’s warning me off going in there as planned when we come back from Littlehampton .. she’s got a stinking cold just started.

09.22 .. I’m home, just as the bin men are doing the bag round up for the approaching truck, one chap runs across the back of the Jazz as I’m reversing into the drive .. I’ll get him next time .. LOL.

Karen’s been gathering all we need to take, including the laptop and car kit into the kitchen. I do a quick comfort break and then help load the car up ready to head off.

09.32 .. We head for Littlehampton for the final meeting to discuss Claire’s move to Alfreton in Derbyshire .. Karen’s driving so I can type. We get stuck with some slow moving traffic as we head for Petworth, and a lorry takes our usual turn, so Karen goers through Petworth which isn’t busy at all. As we head out of Petworth on this unfamiliar road Karen swoop’s down a hill not looking at the TomTom map as I do and takes a sweeping right hander a little quickly, I’m hanging on to the laptop for grim life .. Karen is wincing too .. but the Jazz is well within it’s abilities .. thank goodness. 

10.53 .. We arrive at Claire’s care home near Littlehampton. The meeting is due to start at 11.00, once in the home, we head for the loo’s.

11.00 .. The meeting starts, there are seven of us, Claire’s advocate Nicola, and someone here to monitor her performance, big Bob from Alfreton, Sean the social worker and this homes clinical manager.

It starts off pretty up beat, they are starting to explain to Claire that she is moving in stories, she seems to be sensing something is happening to her and she appears to be upbeat about it. There are still a lot of what if’s being bought up by Sean, but at least he’s not mentioning the use of Police and things to remove her, though the use of drugs is being talked about to calm her down and suppress any anxiety. 

11.50 .. At this point it seems the meeting has drawn all it’s conclusion’s .. though of course the social worker hasn’t finished. If nothing else he’s promising to sort out the various allowances that Claire should be getting, once the move has been made and she’s on full medical funding .. her allowances then become her’s to do as she feels fit.
Well a date and time is agreed for a meeting at Alfreton .. Friday 22nd February .. last day of the school half term, but I’ll have only been home 6 days from Thailand .. not sure if I fancy a three hour drive in a car each way by then .. time will tell.

12.20 .. The meeting is over, after a few words with big Bob and Claire’s advocate we head upstairs hoping to see Claire and encourage her out in to “Bob’s blue car” to go for a Macdonald’s. This isn’t going to work I don’t think .. she really wants us to go straight away again, and kisses us both goodbye, though she took a poke at Karen who kissed her first, she didn’t attempt anything with me.

We go out of her room to hang around outside to see if we can try again. I’m fighting back the tears .. I can see this move going in a horrible direction next week. I need to go out to the car, I’m not sure I can hold back much longer. We discuss handing over Claire’s remaining Christmas presents which are in three bags in our boot, but decide it’s probably better that we don’t till she’s moved.

I go out to the car taking Karen’s things with me. I get into the passenger front of the car, I do manage to keep composed until Karen comes out to the car, a few words from her and I can’t hold back. Karen returns to the home to say we are going to leave.

13.02 .. We head for home .. after a while I feel I can type .. so I do. We are talking about points covered in the meeting, Sean did seem to have gained some humility since the last meeting, maybe Wendy had a word with him following our disgust after he left the meeting last Friday.

13.30 .. My own mobile suddenly cheeps up with a text message, it’s from our friends Louisa and Aidan, Louisa sending me a good luck message and offering a place for Karen to call if she needs anything .. good friends indeed.

Stop for bread in the village.

14.27 .. We are home .. I help to unload Claire’s bags of presents from the car boot again, then set all the PC’s booting. As Karen prepares “lunch” .. I copy the diary back to the main PC and check my emails. It’s also a chance to open the post from this morning. I’ve got a lovely “thinking of you” card from Steve, Fiona, Kayleigh and Marcus .. that’s my part time business, business partner and his wife and family. It’s the only card, apart from the works one that I’ve received. the message reads “Thinking of you with all our love and best wishes. Hoping that all your dreams may now become true” .. thank you for that ( I know Fiona comes and checks up on me here, I’ll have to give them a call later ).

14.45 .. Lunch is served .. it’s Covent Garden Christmas special soup, the white Stilton, white Port and onion variety, with a fresh roll, followed by a roll and honey then a fruit scone with a little strawberry jam .. lovely.

15.05 .. Back to the PC .. a VAT return needs my attention before I fly out .. it doesn’t take very long ..

16.02 .. I’m in the local beauty salon, for my lash tint.

16.30 .. Lash tint done, I need to collect my little black dress from the cleaners.

When I get home I suddenly realise I haven’t been to Lightwater to get some fresh glue for my nails .. so I go out again. £4 a tube is expensive for Loctite “superglue” .. but at this time I have little choice. It’s a quick dash to Sunningdale to raid the cash machine .. I need to leave Karen with a shed load of cash .. she doesn’t know the number for her cards.

17.20 .. Back home again .. I call Sally about my hair ..   

17.25 .. Sally phones back to say she’s on her way, she’s got out of her sick bed to come and do me .. I just hope she isn’t that sick.

17.40 .. I suddenly need the loo .. hmmmm .. nerves I hope .. embarrassingly Sally arrives while I’m on the throne.

17.50 .. Sally puts the colour in my hair .. we are chatting about Claire to start with and the meeting today .. Karen goes to wash her hair and conversation moves to how I feel about next week ..

18.20 .. The colour is in and it’s Karen’s turn for the chair .. I return to the PC to add some diary notes and check my e-mails .. got a few more from diary readers wishing me good luck for next week .. << smiles >> .. thanks girls.  

19.30 .. My hair has been rinsed and my fringe trimmed, she also took the ends off the length too. I pay Sally and she leaves, wishing me all the best for next week.

19.47 .. Abby from Arizona pops up to wish me well ..

20.00 .. The phone rings .. it’s Dad and Dee wishing me well ...

A quick chat with Abby ..

20.08 .. Abby says goodbye, we’ll probably be chatting from Thailand next week on Skype.

20.10 .. Karen’s had a text from a friend, she’s a bit tearful, the friend has been having “women’s trouble” and it seems a CT scan has detected something in another place .. so we don’t go out as I’d been hoping for, instead I order a Chinese from Mary.

20.45 .. I’m back with the food, it’s nothing out of the ordinary for my final evening meal here, chicken and green pepper in black bean sauce with boiled rice. A little deep fried bean curd helps things down .. just like any ordinary Saturday night. I can’t drink really, so it’s apple and elderflower juice to wash it down.

21.05 .. Main course finished, we eat our lychees watching TV in the lounge. I spend the rest of the evening with Karen on the settee till she goes up to bed. While there I answer a couple of text messages, to Louisa and to Davina and Jackie who sent me a nice text message while I was getting the Chinese earlier.

As the news starts I empty my laptop bag out and sort what I really need to take with me tomorrow .. minimising on what ever I can.

22.10 .. Karen goes to make lunch for tomorrow and heads upstairs. I reboot the PC to check my e-mails .. and add some final diary notes for today .. not sure if I’ll do anything tomorrow till I’m on the plane, time will tell.

I’ve had a load more nice private e-mails from diary readers today, I’ll try and list a few quickly here tomorrow ..  

23.00 .. I’m in real time, should really go up to bed .. so I do .. a final nightie night from England .. << grimace >> I’m going to be away for a total of 37 nights .. sob, sob.

More to come tomorrow .. I hope..

Day 1129. Friday 11th January 2008. ( I fly to Thailand tonight .. where my destiny awaits .. )

23.05 .. I strip off in the bedroom ..

23.46 .. I’m in bed and start to cuddle up .. something I can’t repeat for another 37 nights. I’m weeping as I snuggle down, thinking about what has been and what is to come, fearing the future a little to be honest.

00.10 .. Karen needs to sleep, she’s working tomorrow .. it’s the last goodnight kiss for a while.

We roll apart, Karen is soon purring behind me, I’m looking at the clock while I weep gently.  

Eventually I fall asleep, but it’s a disturbed night and I can’t really settle, I feel so odd it’s hard to put in words. I’m terrified of the next 37 days .. specially the 8 nights in hospital. I seem to be cat napping all night long .. I seem to be looking at the clock every 15 to 30 minutes.

06.40 .. Karen gets up and heads for a comfort break .. I switch the over bed light on so she can see where she’s walking in the dark on her return.

06.50 .. The alarm goes off just before Karen returns with mugs of tea. I wrap myself around Karen to warm her up, I’m soon weeping uncontrollably. I hate the way I am for the way it’s affecting Karen’s life more than anything else .. oh to have been born “normal” what ever that is. I repeat to her that if she told me to stop now I would .. my love for her is so strong it totally rules everything, and has done for the 27 years or so that I’ve known her, if I could “I would move heaven and earth” for her.

07.15 .. Karen gets up .. I’m weeping again .. gosh I hate this and myself a little for having to follow the path I am.

I head downstairs to start sorting myself out, I boot the PC to print off a suggested packing list from the dr-s-club. While the PC boots I do the kitchen routine and my last weigh in before I go .. however .. a little later I had a desperate need for the loo .. I hope this is just worry causing this .. so my weight a little later is 13st 13 3/4 lb, 195.8 lb or 88.9 Kg .. what ever way you call it according to our scales.

08.00 .. My company mobile is ringing upstairs .. I run up to answer it .. It’s my engineering boss Gary, to wish me good luck for my trip. He tells me to tell Karen that if she is aware of any problems that he could assist with she should give him a call .. which is nice to know. The call is fairly brief, I was starting to worry that I wasn’t going to hear from him before I left and that there may have been a problem between us .. I think I can assume now there isn’t.

I do some diary notes .. then head up to the bathroom. I strip the dark red colour off my toe nails, and prepare my fingers for ne re-enforcings.

09.30 .. I call Carolyn at work, to see if my parcel from Long Tall Sally has arrived with the clothes I ordered new years eve for my trip .. not yet they haven’t .. grrrrrrr.

09.50 .. I wander up to the bathroom for a quicky routine .. I’ll do a full monty later this afternoon to be nice and fresh for my flight.

10.05 .. I’ve got so much running around to do I put working clothes on .. jeans.

10.10 .. I go back down stairs to check my e-mails .. I had a couple more nice ones from diary readers .. I’ll have to ry and reply sometime, but I’ve promised myself a complete renewal of my reenforcings today .. so I better set too.

11.30 .. The phone rings .. it’s my sister Juliet .. to wish me all the best for my trip and to chat about dad’s 80th birthday, the weekend after I return. Seems that dad and Dee’s “old friends” won’t travel 10 - 15 miles to our village to the pub we had planned to use for his celebration ( the same one we used for uncle Mo’s funeral lunch ) so Juliet is thinking of doing it down her way.
13.10 .. Time for lunch .. it’s a strictly working fare .. a ham roll made by Karen last night, an apple and the regulation banana. I check my e-mails while I eat ..  just like being at work .. and pop a message to Linda about returning something’s to her .. she’ll be around later so that’s a deal .. hopefully. 

Time to check with the bank’s and credit card companies to make sure they haven’y cocked up my trip info .. well two out of three have. American express have already confirmed in writing my instructions .. BarclayCard and HSBC MasterCard haven’t, and they have cocked up .. good thing I’ve checked. Problem is though Karen has given Barclaycard authority for me to talk to them about all other matters .. they won’t accept my authority for using my card in Thailand .. they want to talk to her .. grrrrr .. that’ll please her.  

I spend a while loading CorelDraw 8 on my laptop so I can use my favourite Corel Photo Paintto work on pictures while I’m away. While that is loading, I’m using both DVD drives in the main PC to rip in a load of audio in the highest quality MP3 mode I can. After an hour and I can’t spare anymore time I’ve got 3.6 Gb of albums .. a good selection but mainly stuff I can relax too .. Enigma ( 4 albums ) and ERA ( 3 albums ) plus some Supertramp ( thank’s Dave B ), Madonna, Michael Jackson ( History ) and a few others.

15.50 .. I need to head off and get a few last things .. a measuring jug as recommended on the group packing list, some more “Always Ultra” long night time pads with wings and I want to make some arrangements for Karen, I can’t spoil the surprise but In guess she will have guessed .. I’m romantically predictable I suspect. As I drive off I call Karen’s mobile to ask her to sort Barclaycard out .. she isn’t happy, thought so.

I go to sort out the thing I want to sort out for Karen, this takes way longer than I thought. So with that done, a trip to Lightwater is all I can manage .. or I’m going to be seriously out of time. Before I drive home I call Linda to let her know I’m not coming, but then agree to go round if I have time later on the way to the airport .. apparently she and Susan want to say a personal goodbye to me.

16.40 .. I am home .. I’ve got to get my skates on .. I head for a shower .. it’ll have to be a single hair wash job with no conditioner .. I’ll probably pay for that later.

17.20 .. Showered and hair dried, well sort off, I’m racing around trying to sort my packing .. I try the skirt I was planning to wear for the flight .. it’s a little close fitting with no elastic .. I’ll pack that and wear another .. it’ll be lose on me in a couple of weeks .. << smiles, grimace >>.

Well just wear did two hours go .. mainly “faffing” around because my brain really is hormone starved and addled .. should have paid more attention to the group lists and I might have been better sorted by now.

However, ruddy work has to carry a fair degree of the blame .. with the clinic notes saying I should be spending time relaxing, I’ve done over 13 hours of unpaid overtime, not by choice really, when I should have been at home doing things for me .. and Karen. I’d had some plans to compile a couple of CD’s of some nice music from me to her .. it hasn’t happened. I wanted to do some Thai language bashing .. it hasn’t happened .. I’m really ticked off.

Finally I’ve got my bags packed and the large one shut by kneeling on it .. good old Sampsonite, though putting them on my scales rather indicates I’ll have to spend some money on excess baggage .. DOH .. and I haven’t really got the time to unpack and chuck out some stuff .. like deodorant and things I could buy locally.

19.30 .. “” lucky we are only a 30 minute drive from the terminals at Heathrow .. I’m driving. Magic FM are playing “lovey dovey” music and it’s getting to me, I think it is to Karen too.

I have to ask the question “We are going to be OK aren’t we?” .. I’m really struggling not to cry .. “I think so” was the answer. The right or wrong songs, dependant on wether your flying away from a loved one are playing .. I hold Karen’s leg, she caresses my hand .. we look at each other .. she’s got red eyes and I think I have too.

20.00 .. I arrive outside T3 at Heathrow .. I’m possibly only just going to get to the checkout in time .. I took the decision on the approach to drop myself at the door rather than park the car. I’m starting to cry as I turn to Karen for the first parting kiss .. “please don’t cry” she says .. I unload the car onto a trolley, the first was broken .. and we hold each other and kiss again .. she’s red eye’d .. I’m welling up.

Karen gets into the driving seat and I walk away trying to keep my composure. I cross the road several cars gap in front of Karen and pause, as she hasn’t moved yet. She drives towards me flashing .. I walk on turning around when she hoots .. I turn and wave .. as she drives away I’m in floods of tears .. I can’t help it.

Suddenly I’m alone surrounded by strangers. I get my composure back as I head in through the doors. Somebody in front of me asks for the Eva desk .. good enough for me I go where the assistant points .. only a few yards. The check in is virtually empty .. I’m late.

20.05 .. Oh dear .. I’m well over weight. My main case clocks in at 26.8Kg, 7 kilo’s over .. and the big problem is my hand luggage is 11.3kg .. 7.5 kg is the max. Fortunately the laptop is allowed on as an unweighted extra .. damn it .. I should have left it in it’s original case. Second piece of good fortune .. Karen had given me at the last moment a small bag capable of loading the laptop into if I remove the heavy duty battery .. so I do .. so the carry on case now weighs under the 7.5 Kg limit. I’m not charged for my excess .. bet they do on my return if they have the chance.

20.15 .. The pretty check in girl sends me on my way to passport control .. There is a queue.     

20.24 .. I take a seat in the waiting area where the duty free is .. and call my mum. Thanks mum .. I really need to know how sick you’ve been today, most of it’s about her, never mind how I feel mum.

20.30 .. I call my best friend Linda .. she and her wife are good friends to Karen and I, I reckon I owe my life to Linda anyway. She tells me she thinks she’s that she is responsible for what I am doing now. Well I’d be dead now if it wasn’t for her help in the past for sure. We talk about how I feel now, I feel rather lost and detached from the world at the moment .. I’m unhappy to be away from Karen for the next 37 nights, dreading going to the hospital on Tuesday, but so much in need of the correction to my body that my awakening sometime Wednesday afternoon will signify.

We talk about a TS friend she had in the “dizzy babes” .. a CD/TS band she played in a couple of years ago .. and how she had apparently felt post op .. I’ve read about that and I’ll probably suffer “phantom willy” effects to .. most do for months after.

Linda and Susan are good friends, Linda says she’ll talk when ever I want over the coming weeks on Skype or Yahoo messenger when Karen is working, and she’ll get Susan to call Karen and be the friend she is for her to talk to. I’m sure Susan will be a good friend to both of us, something I can’t say for Tracy, Karen’s sister whose anti me rhetoric I am sure caused the split between Robert and I and made life difficult for Karen at one time.

My phone starts to beep as I’m saying goodbye to Linda .. it’s a second call it seems “phone home” says my display .. I fumble and cut Karen off. I call her back .. “phone home” is engaged .. I call her mobile. Her sister was on the home phone checking that Karen is alright. OK who’s a clever addled bunny, in the rush out I left my Sarah phone at home .. all I’ve got is the works one I’m using and Karen’s unlocked second phone that I’ll put a Thai phone card in .. DOH. Fortunately most of the numbers are the same in both phones .. I might have to get Karen to email me or tell me on Skype, a couple of numbers.

We chat about nothing for a while, the display board in front of me changes, time to go to the loo I think. I say another long tearful goodbye .. as I head for the loo people are giving me odd looks, maybe it’s the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Airport cubicles are nice and large so you can drag all your bits in with you .. nice.

Out of the loo, the display is now saying boarding at gate 23 .. another sign says it’s a 20 minute walk .. it only took 10. I join the back of queue .. and try to call Karen one last time. There’s a lot of noise and the Orange company phone’s signal isn’t good, I have to give up and go, into another long goodbye .. sob, sob.

21.40 .. I board the aircraft, and my brain is totally addled. Eva haven’t helped matters, they’ve swapped aircraft .. this is a Boeing B747-400 372 .. not the expected B747-400 combi 276 .. so I’m not siting in the nose like I hoped but just on the wing. In my confusion I go looking for a row G seat, where I’ll be on my return .. and on the wrong side of the aircraft .. not a thing to do when people are trying to squeeze in .. me trying to go back the wrong way that is .. << blushes >>.

22.00 .. Take off time comes and goes .. there is a delay apparently. It’s miserable outside, to match my mood, raining quite hard at times. Don’t fancy being in those workers waterproof’s .. it looks quite blustery too. The captain comes on the intercom to apologise for the delay and gives us a weather forecast for our arrival .. 30c and cloudy .. I like cool .. 30c !!! My hope is that with Chon Buri being on the coast it’ll be a bit cooler there with on shore breezes. One thing I want to do before I go .. is have a paddle and get a picture .. LOL. 

22.35 .. We finally get the “push back” as the pilot starts the engines. It’s stop start as we join a queue of aircraft out to the runway that runs parallel to the A4, we are taking off westward.

22.53 .. We finally roar down the runway .. the last time I did this about 8 years ago I was in the last row but two in a South Africa Airways 747-300. Being ahead of the landing gear, there isn’t that horrible sinking into the ground feeling as the aircraft hits “rotate” speed. It’s straight up, over the M25 and Windsor, if it was day light I’d probably be able to make out our village, but suddenly we are in the clouds and it’s very grey with the landing / take off lights just a few feet ahead of me illuminating the gloom. 

I play with the interactive touch screen in front of ne and eventually find the map function. There’s an email function too .. I might blow a few bob on the way home and swipe my card and send Karen an e-mail when I’m on my way home.

23.15 .. We are over Germany doing 560 mph over the ground at 33,000 ft when the food service is started. We have a choice of roast beef and potatoes, or chicken and rice .. I opt for the chicken. When it arrives I’m really annoyed to find a starter with salmon on it .. when I phoned Eva Air about my fish allergy, I was told that NO FISH would be served on this service .. hmmm. 

23.55 .. We enter Czechoslovakian airspace .. I get the laptop out and perch it on the edge of my food tray that is waiting for collection.

00.43 .. I look up from typing my diary to see the map on the seat back in front of me .. we are moving .. we’ve overflown Slovakia and now we are half way across Hungry heading for Romania. I’ve been running the laptop on batteries at this point .. so I break out the psu .. good job I packed a US mains lead .. each “Elite class” seat has a power point .. and it works.

00.51 .. Romania .. passes below .. oh to be tucked up in a comfy bed, preferably along side the love and light of my life, Karen.

01.10 .. my neighbours gone to the loo .. time for me to move .. nightie night.

Completed at 37,000 feet Saturday 12th January while contemplating the next few days.

Day 1130. Saturday 12th January 2008. ( I arrive in Thailand to finish what Dr Read enabled for me )

Memory Joggers ...

It’s the Saturday morning weigh in ... yeah right !!!!

I’ve not had any long spells of sleep, and twice between cat naps I’ve been diving into the seat pocket for a magazine to fan myself with .. gosh do I look forward to getting on the hormones again soon.

03.45 .. ( in UK real time ) I’ve cat napped my way across the Black Sea, Georgia, Azerbaijan and now almost across the Caspian Sea. I crack the window blind up to reveal a lovely dawning of a new day .. as we’re flying we are gaining 7/11th’s of an hour, per hour. At this altitude the cloud is a long way down, and this lovely red horizon and rich blue sky above, it’s lovely to see.

An air hostess has bought around a try of water for those of us that are awake .. lovely .. I really needed that, maybe half a pint rather than a few sips.

It’s ruddy hard to sleep the way I am feeling anyway. I wish I’d got my headphones out earlier, I could listen to some Enigma, or Era to help me relax .. to be honest sitting here I’m not sure in that final mad rush at home if they actually found there way into my carry on bag or if I left them at home .. I’ll have to buy a set .. the airline headphones have really odd

03.53 .. Another new country .. Turkmenistan .. I return to yesterday’s diary to put some detail in, as now I’m pretty much awake.

04.31 .. We hit some serious turbulence over Ashkhabad .. the pilot orders return to seats and seat belts on.

04.55 .. We bank to starboard and head more south as we cross the border into Afghanistan .. the turbulence has gone now and the seat belt signs are off.

05.25 .. I’ve finished yesterday’s diary now .. and I’m thinking about another attempt at some sleep .. to be continued .. 

06.55 .. We are woken up with a five minute warning, well I say we .. I was awake looking at the map .. for “food service”. A hostess soon appears with fruit juice. Looking at the map we flew through Afghanistan, Pakistan and now we are flying across India running close and parallel to the Nepal border .. heading for Bangladesh.

07.10 .. Breakfast is served .. I’m offered the choice of scrambled egg or fried rice. I’m not fond of scrambled eggs at all so I go for the fried rice .. mistake .. I have to call the hostess back for a swap .. the fried rice is adorned with prawns. What NO FISH on this service.

The scrambled egg includes a slice of bacon that must have come from a baby pig it was so small, mushrooms and what can only be described as hot potato salad .. LOL. A cup of tea whitened with coffee cream isn’t so good, but the rest of the breakfast is interesting, a raspberry bio yoghurt, a portion of fruit salad and a scone, strawberry jam and a pot of Rhodda’s clotted cream. The scone was the smallest I’ve ever seen, and the “Coopers” strawberry jam was the most insipid strawberry jam I’ve ever seen.

07.42 .. Breakfast is finished .. as the moving map now shows us doing 650 mph across the land as we clip Bangladesh and head into the bay of Bengal .. I’m not shure why I had it in my mind that we would have gone over the north pole and Russia on this trip .. I was wrong.

07.50 .. I open the blind beside me .. it’s a glorious day out there .. I’m guessing the real time out there is about 13.00 .. we will be landing in about 90 minutes time when the local time will be sometime after 16.00 .. 

Down below I can see a delta, unfortunately the moving map even zoomed right in doesn’t reveal a name for it.

08.00 .. my isle seat neighbour goes to use the “lavatory aft” , my cue to put the laptop into hybernation again and go create a queue .. but he’s back before I’m finished and I quickly escape. While I wait for my turn a stewardess starts to hand a trey of boiled sweets around, she sees my empty chair and places one of each for me on the arm rest.

My turn arrives .. I use the loo and tidy myself up. This toilet compartment has less room than the forward heads on Bob’s Grand Banks 36 .. trying to combe the knots out of my hair proves difficult .. should have used the conditioner last night. I spritz my face with the lavender face hydrator and rub some hand cream into my hands and wrists, making sure my cuticles get a good share. Gosh the colour of the bags under my eye’s .. I’ll be glad to see the end of those next week .. well the result of in a couple of months. I return to my seat .. oh dear, was I that long, there is a queue now !!! .. long hair is so time consuming sometimes to manage .. << grimace >>.

08.18 .. As we hit the coast of Burma we hit more turbulance and we are ordered to belt up again .. I haven’t said a word.

08.23 .. I click on the flight data screen on my touch screen ..

Distance travelled 5601 miles
Distance to destination 637 miles
Destination time 15.23
outside temperature -51c
time to destination 1hr 12 mins
ETA 16.37
ground speed 601 mph
altitude 36965 ft

I take this opportunity to take my first photographs of the trip .. the mountains of Burma below and a view down the wing .. LOL .. well I wouldn’t have got that if this had been the aircraft I thought it would be.

The last couple of hours I’ve felt a little better in my self, but now I’m thinking of what Karen might be doing, getting up at home to go and see Robert in Bath.

Happy Birthday Robert ..

He’s been good and decided not to come home to celebrate his birthday, apparently he’s staying in Bath to concentrate on his revision for his final exams over the next few months. I wonder if I’ll be invited to his award ceremony when it happens .. I hope he does well, what parent wouldn’t feel the same.

09.06 .. PING .. the captain comes on the intercom and says a lot in Thai, I guess we are on our approach and he’s filling in the Thai’s here on something or other. The English version says we will start to descend in 10 minutes, our landing time will be 16.40 local time and the temperature is 32c !!! Phew.

The scenery outside has changed again, we are skimming some sea again, another river estuary near Rangoon, looking at the plane on the moving map we’ve got a thin strip of Burma ahead of us and then we are in Thailand. This plane is like a 441 bus, it’s only stopping in Bangkok to let people off before flying on to Tipei. The map has changed .. and now Chon Buri is on it .. it’s shown as two words, not the one I had been writing her and seen printed else where. 

As the moving map shows us crossing the border into Thailand there is an impressive band of mountains below.

Considering the amount of sleep I got, well I suppose not a lot different to some of the sleepless nights I’ve had at home recently, I don’t feel too bad.   

As we start to descend I’m starting to feel jittery and there are tears in my eyes once more, I wish Karen was here to hold my hand. We’ve only decended 2,000 feet according to the flight data and I can feel the pressure in my ears building, I hope this isn’t going to plague me all week like it did on the South African OB.

09.17 .. or should I now say ..

16.17 ..  Time to shut the PC down .. we are definitely descending, and my battery is now fully recharged after running it on batteries in the early hours to reduce the glare of the screen for fellow passengers. Roll on getting to the hotel.

16.43 .. We are down .. was a really smooth landing. The new airport terminal looks amazing .. much more impressive than Heathrow’s T5.

I take off my compression stockings and sort my self out and leave the plane ..

Queues at immigration ..

My bag finally arrives .. and it’s wet .. I’ll soon find out why.

Just in case, as I’m late I better get some cash to spend .. a £20 note gets me 63.5 Baht to the pound .. a lot better than the 56 being offered at Theathrow last night.

I exit though customs and head for gate 9, there is a sea of people holding cards with names on .. I wander through .. a guy in a uniform, not sure what uniform steps forward gives a little bow and says “I like you” .. and steps back .. I must have gone beetroot red but wow !! .. LOL. I’ve gone 20 metres or so through the crowd when I see this petite female frantically waving a card at me smiling “Sara *******” .. phew I thought I was alone for a while.

“Hello Sarah .. I’m Cin, I’ve come to get you” .. she tries to wrestle my trolley from me, I indicate I’ll push it, it’s possibly heavier than she is .. LOL.

17.40 .. We are outside the terminal the heat hits me, gosh it’s hard to breath .. I notice a little puddle form under my case with condensation running off it .. the case is still cold to the touch .. and the incredible humidity is condensing on it .. I want to go home !! .. this heat is insane.

Cin tells me the cold season that runs from November till the end of January hasn’t arrived this year

17.55 .. Dr Suporn’s driver arrives with the clinics logo’d silver Toyota 4 x 4 .. air conditioned bliss set at 25.5c

we head down the motorway to ChonBuri

18.55 .. Cin helps me to check in, but the girls behind reception seem to speak good English ..

22.30 .. I head down to reception to see if I can find somewhere / something to eat not using room service .. I’m sent across to the internal café inside the hotel.

More to come  ...

Day 1131. Sunday 13th January 2008. ( OP day - 3)

02.30 .. It’s a quicky bathroom routine .. for a second time I nearly brushed my teeth with tap water .. I’ll have to get in the habit of keeping one glass in the bathroom just for teeth brushing to wash my tooth brush in .. I need to find a little battery one somewhere.

02.45 .. Doing as I’m told by Karen, I go to bed.

08.00 .. The alarm wakes me up .. I stop it and think about today .. but not a lot as I dosed off again.

I’m aware of a tapping noise and a little voice saying “room service, may I clean your room please” .. I go and open the door then go back to my bed to get the time off my phone .. I’m leaving my big Casio “Baby-G” set to home time, my little gold coloured watch I’ve set to Thai time. I need to find my glasses to read the time on my phone .. DOH !!!

13.02 .. !! the maid comes in and is busy .. gosh I’m tired .. the “real” time would be 06.02 .. the time my body clock often wakes me up regardless. Well that’s blown breakfast then !!

13.15 .. I boot the PC as the maid cleans my room and changes the bed .. there’s an off line message from Gill from Hayward’s Heath .. a long term friend, it’s a lovely message and tinged with a little personal unhappiness, she’s a lovely girl, such a kind caring nature, I’m sure she’ll get here one day.

I send an e-mail to SRSinThailand to see if anyone has any tips on beating jet lag, and add a little bit to my Friends Reunited blog page.

14.40 .. I guess I’d better shower .. so I do. Strangely the hot water seems to be delivered to the mixer tap under pressure .. not so the cold .. so it you don’t want to scald yourself the flow isn’t brilliant. I remember to do as advised by others and keep my mouth shut while showering .. this is the first country I’ve been to where you mustn’t consume the water from the tap .. it’s odd.

15.30 .. I’m showered and my hair is dry .. big mistake using the hotels “conditioning shampoo”. Now I know why the Thai girls with long hair always seem to have it tied back so nicely .. the conditioner acts like a glue .. my hair feels greasy, this won’t do two days .. << grimace >>

17.10 .. Gill from Haywards Heath pops up for a chat .. she is a dear .. she’s got the whole weekend en femme, and will be thinking of me on Wednesday.

17.20 .. I finally go shopping, I’m very nervous going out when I haven’t a clue on the Thai language. I try to follow Cin’s directions from yesterday, and find a little supermarket called “Tops”. It’s got all the essential toiletries I need, it’s really odd, and very annoying to find products proudly boasting a Union Jack flag as British made, like Head and Shoulders shampoo .. selling for half the UK price .. oh yes .. it must be cheaper to ship it 6500 miles and sell in low volumes so it’s that much cheaper than Boots or Tesco’s.

It’s the same with my L’Oréal Revitalift night cream .. OK this hasn’t been shipped from UK, it’s been made for L’Oreal in Jakartta .. it’s 45% cheaper. One thing that is more expensive is Evian water .. I did buy one bottle for hospital, in fact I’ll have to get some more. An in store Danish pastry in Waitrose costs over a pound .. here something incredibly good and approximately the same thing was 20 Baht .. 30p, and I got 5 baht off cause it was late in the evening to get rid !!!

Not being able to find a cheap battery powered tooth brush, I treated myself to a new “manual” one .. an Oral-B “Indicator Plus” .. £1.10 .. I’m sure they are over £2 in the UK.

Rip off Britain rant over .. LOL.

At the check out, they pack for you, I offer my two compactable shopping bags .. they are good for the heavy items and as I walk away, one on each shoulder is good, that was a demon purchase for sure.

18.55 .. I’m back .. and unpack my goodies, putting my yogurts and what looks like actimel immunicas type drink things all in my room fridge.

“Kate_7705" pops up on Yahoo for a chat, she is an ex Dr Suporn patient herself. She gives me a rundown on what life should be like here .. well I haven’t seen any yet. She advises me to go to the restaurant and hang around the lobby on this 7th floor if I want to meet others .. maybe I’ll go try that. She gives me some links that point to her account of being here and her real life .. I’m envious .. in real life she is sort of stealth .. I’m not surprised .. she looks stunning, I didn’t ask but I assume she’s had her face worked on by Dr Suporn too.

19.00 .. “Petra” from Essex pops up for a chat ..

19.25 .. “Sarah_B” comes for a chat on Yahoo ..

19.53 .. My friend Linda pops up for a chat on Yahoo ..

20.10 .. I go to eat in the restaurant. Apart from a Thai chap just finishing I am the only person there to start with. The service, like last night is very attentive and pleasant. The male waiter tonight is strait out with the English. Being that I haven’t really eaten today at all .. I’m hungry. So I decide to go for two courses.

I do have a problem here, just like I do in the hotel in France. I’m desperately trying to avoid non Thai food .. they do “Western” quite extensively. However so much of the Thai delicacies are fish based .. I just can’t go there. So I ordered a vegetarian dish .. “Mushroom with baby chilli’s” which I intended for a starter, and then Thai red curry duck and steamed rice.

While I’m waiting for my food two more people arrive, clearly both are TS’s .. I know the signs, and one from her voice is American. They spot me on the way in, but do not acknowledge my existence, though as the American one is facing me 7 metres or so away I can see she looks at me quite often.

Well something didn’t go right .. I got the Red Thai curry duck first without rice, which was fine, it came with a soup spoon in a big soup bowl .. so that’s how I ate it .. gosh those Thai chilli’s .. lovely. Then the mushroom dish arrived with the rice. I ordered a 7up and a bottle of water, the water glass being topped up a couple of times by the waiter. Total with service .. 320 baht .. under £5.00 .. and I’m nicely stuffed. Why do chilli’s make my nose run .. but gosh the food was good. 

21.15 .. I’m back in my room.

21.46 .. Kylie from Truro comes up for a chat .. she is nice .. and we chat about a few things.

22.15 .. I give dad & Dee a call on Skype out .. what a relief to chat to somebody .. an English voice !!!. Sad to hear an elderly neighbour of there’s died last night, Dee is rather down as a result.

23.40 .. “jannescottfowler” pops up on Yahoo for a chat .. profile still blank after 5 months because “it’s” new to this. It asks me my name, age and where I’m from .. read my profile .. CLEARLY NOT .. grrrr.

Rachelle from Canada pops up to wish me well for Wednesday, we haven’t chatted for ages but she’s another diary reader too.

01.30 .. I’ve sent a text message to Sophie at the clinic via Skype as my mobile won’t send text messages at the moment .. I’ve got a real dose of deli belly .. I might be spending the night on the loo.

01.32 ..Karen pops me a Yahoo message and asks why I haven’t called .. I’ve been staying up waiting to chat to her. She’s been home for two hours and only just switched the PC on .. I was going to ring her mobile earlier but thought better not to do it that way.

01.45 .. time for an upload .. nightie night.

Day 1132. Monday 14th January 2008. ( OP day - 2)

Memory Joggers ...

02.30 .. I climb into bed ..

I slept well till ..

05.50 .. This alarm call is for the loo .. oo er .. not happy down there at all. Post loo I’m very uncomfortable, and decide to boot the laptop .. a quick trip into the Transmission and Transgender_Outreach chat rooms .. lots of best wishes showered on me ..

07.00 .. about to climb into bed for a while .. my company mobile rings .. it’s the studio’s in Cardiff .. I have to reject the call .. they will find somebody else for sure .. should be Andrew I think now anyway. I send a quick e-mail to Andrew asking him to apologise to who ever it was .. I’m not feeling to great at all.

08.00 .. I give up trying to sleep and take a shower .. my hair will have to do till later.

09.15 .. I’m in the café for breakfast .. the 2 “American’s” beckon me over .. they are very pleasant, and both move, with the aid of a waiter to a bigger table so I can join them.

Breakfast .. gosh what a choice .. I go for a pancake ( American style with maple syrup ), two slices of toast with marmalade and finally a bowl of yoghurt with fresh fruit salad in it.

Caroline, the other whose name I can’t remember, DOH .. get on well talking about all sorts.

Terri, another American comes and joins us ..

Aey comes in to the hotel to say hello, as does Jib a little later .. both rub my arm as they depart as a sign to stay calm .. gosh I’m nervous.

10.45 .. Another girl and her partner join us briefly, she’s having SRS and BA tomorrow, the car to take her to the hospital arrives in 15 minutes .. she soon disappears to get her things together .. I wish her luck.

Caroline and the other depart leaving Terri and I to chat. Terri is quite stunning to look at, but she reveals a secret I hadn’t realised .. and I’m not telling.
11.10 .. Back in my room .. boot the PC and check my e-mails.

12.25 .. Nervously I head round to the clinic .. it’s warm outside .. very warm.

12.29 .. I stand outside the clinic .. my heart is in my mouth and it’s all I can do to get myself in.

Aey welcomes me in .. and I’m asked to take a seat for some form filling, she asks for my passport and Dr Curtis’s referral letter, handing me back a copy later.

Then Jib comes across to me with a small bouquet of pink roses .. although they are already wilting a little .. it’s a nice touch. A lot more form filling and I’m given my SRS manual / reference book .. think Haynes service manual for neo virgina’s. There’s a lot more in there too .. all the emergency contact stuff, also she hands over my set of “Thai boyfriends”.

13.10 .. The next surprise is that Dr Suporn will see me now, not at 15.00 as planned .. I think I went pale as she rubbed my arm to reassure me.

13.15 .. I’m in Dr Suporn’s room at the clinic .. my knees are shaking a little. He tells me what he has me booked in for, then asks me to take my knickers off and lay on his examining table .. relief is he’s smiling as he pulls me around examining me. Even though I’ve been circumcised, ( which my mum says I wasn’t ) he says there is plenty of flesh for him to give me good depth and a nice cosmetic appearance. Happy with what he’s seen he tells me to go back to the chair and I’m handed my knickers to put back on.

There is a presentation of his technique .. then he moves on to the subject of my eye’s .. good and bad news. He starts to feel around my face, paying attention to by brow bone .. or the lack of it. He asks who did my FFS !!!! << I grinned so wide my face nearly broke >> .. “nobody” I say, “it’s just me” .. he nods as if approving and smiles .. did he just feel silly for asking .. << BIG SMILE >>. He asks me to look up and down, and as I do he uses what looks like a blunt cocktail stick to hold upper and lower eyen lids in different places. He shakes his head and says he won’t do it .. I’m stunned and shocked << disappointed expression >> .. then he says my eyes are too good at the moment, I’d not gain enough to warrant the tiny close up scars I’d have, especially on the top lids .. << very big cheesy grin >>. He asks why I thought they needed to be done .. because I can see bags on my lower lids .. well recently they have been massive with all the sleepless nights.

He takes another .. and reconsiders that he might be able to do something with the lower ones if I really want it. I ask about the little scar below my right eye .. he looks at my notes where I declared an artificial tear duct operation when I was 7 years old, ( which was traumatic and is why I fear hospitals so much now ) and says he won’t do it. He explains .. the jist is ..

Good old NHS screwed me again, all be it 45 years ago. Dr Suporn explains that the usual way of doing an artificial tear duct is that it goes straight from the corner of the eye and into the nose, with no need for an incision just above my cheek bone. He’s now worried that if he removes any flesh under the eye, without doing some marker x-rays first to find the path of the artificial tear duct it could be compromised by scar tissue.

So that’s it .. clearly this demi god of plastic surgery is an honest man not just after the money. I ask about reducing a scar on my shoulder from a minor op one of my GP’s did about 2 years ago. To remove it as such he says, though it’s not very pretty, will ultimately cause a bigger scar. He offers a couple of injections in it to soften it and make it less visible. It needs a course of three really each 3 weeks apart apparently, he’ll do two, one while I am out on Wednesday .. another in 3 weeks, saying if I want the full effect I’ll need another when I’m home. What’s more he isn’t going to charge me for it.   

The consultation ends abruptly when he’s called by a nurse from his little theatre there in the clinic and he walks away .. Aey ushers me back to the office. I need to get some bank account information for them and they’ll refund a bundle of money. It seems even if I’d had my eyes done, the deliberate overpayment I made to cover costs was rather generous .. they think I should pay more back to England. Before the turn down on the eye’s, I’d overpaid by 147,981 Baht, now there’s an extra 120,000 to come back too. 

The clinic produces a Nokia mobile phone to lend me .. it’s a very cheap pay as you go job, and I buy 1000 baht credit .. about £15.28 at today’s money prices. So now I have a working mobile phone, Skype and email .. I will not get lonely I hope now, and feel more secure while out and about << grimace >>. With that, I’m free to go, my American “friends” are in a huddle making a noise around one of the computer terminals that patients can use. I slip away unnoticed to my room.

14.15 .. I’m back in my hotel room .. I restart the PC, well re-initialise the log in process .. the ruddy hotel wireless broadband, which is only about 570K at best, seems to dump my connection 3 or 4 times a day .. grrrr.

Well I need to relax, so start some chats with friends on Yahoo, and do a picture sharing session with both Linda and Petra, showing the pictures I’ve taken of my Thai boyfriends, Haynes manual and the lovely little bunch of roses .. almost like a brides maids possey.

However a little disaster follows .. Linda is getting badly pixelated pics from me, she sends one back, it’s terrible. We are both running different ages of Yahoo messenger .. we both upgrade. This was a mistake on my part .. I haven’t got the installer for the version I had on this PC .. I’m stuck with it .. it seems to have some bugs at this point .. a later reboot seems to have fixed them .. phew.
15.40 .. time to go shopping and take some pictures ..

17.20 .. I’m back in the hotel with my shopping .. not a lot to show for an hour and a half’s walking around. Apart from food stuff, mainly water, the only thing I got was a girly pink and white phone cover for my Sarah phone. It’ll be a constant reminder of my trip in more ways than one .. where I bought it, and the fact it has Thai writing as well as English on the keys .. just hope it’s good quality and won’t wear off .. not that my Sarah phone gets a lot of use.

20.20 .. I head down to eat .. I’m all alone .. in the café it’s the same bunch of German blokes from the first night, and eat the same as the first night .. that didn’t upset my stomach.  

21.10 .. I’m back in my room ..

Chats with Abby from Arizona on Skype ..    

23.51 .. Karen pops me a Yahoo window << heart sores high>> telling me to phone .. so I do.

We talk about our days .. a lot of personal stuff, needless to say I am in tears at the end of 45 minutes as we say goodnight .. I can’t sleep .. so I crack into some diary for a while, before I pack my case for the hospital in the morning.

01.40 .. I’m about to pack up when Sandie from Poole sends me a very large message on Yahoo .. it sort of sums up what many have been saying to me .. but I have to live my life ..

sandie2uk (1/14/2008 6:39:34 PM): Hi Sarah, I wish you all the luck in the world for your operation, you deserve it, I know you will go from strength to strength from now on no matter what the future holds. You have my admiration and slight envy. Most girls if they had the courage would love to be in your place, when you are a complete girl I know you will be uncomfortable for a while but bear up and sock it to them as they say. I have been reading your diary every day but have kept a low profile. <<snips Sandie’s personal stuff >>. I am sure I can speak for all the other diary readers that our thoughts are with you and especially Karen who will be on her own worrying about how you are. Regards to a special friend. Sandie from Poole.xx

A very quick parallel chat with Petra fromessex.

Karen had spotted a missed Skype call from a “Peter” earlier at home .. somebody has called the wrong Skype phone .. please e-mail me and I’ll reply with the correct ID for you to add me.

02.00 .. I say goodnight to Sandie from Poole and Petra from Essex.

Well I fath around packing and re packing .. at the end of that my heart is pounding still and there’s no way I’m going to sleep.

I log into the Trans-mission chat room .. it’s a tranny circus in there so I don’t stay long.

I’m feeling so odd .. I post a message to a couple of web sites / groups I belong too .. and do a quick exchange with “Robyn” who is just off hormones and getting her op in about 6 weeks .. we commiserate with each other .. but she’s got a way to go yet .. 6 weeks of hormones .. don’t like the sound of that.

04.30 .. I go and wash and sort a few more things .. I can’t sleep .....

More to come ...

Day 1133. Tuesday 15th January 2008. ( OP day - 1)

Memory Joggers ...

05.00 .. I’m in bed trying to sleep .. I did lay there a ruddy long time tossing and turning .. but eventually I did get to sleep after reading some more of my Haynes vagina manual .. oo er ..

07.30 .. the alarm did wake me up and I lay there for awhile .. little danger of falling asleep.

07.45 .. I boot the PC and get it all logged in. Not a lot of e-mail activity overnight though I did get a nice direct e-mail from another diary reader ..

07.55 .. I head for the shower .. a relaxing full monty with all the brands I’m used too .. hmmmm.

08.45 .. I’m standing in the bathroom drying my hair with one of those horrible hotel hot air pipe dryers .. 700W !!! .. like me soon, it got no balls << grimace .. LOL >> , sorry about that .. hardly any puff, but because the air goes through the part you hold, your hand soon gets hot.

09.00 .. My hair still fairly limp, even my branded hair stuff has left my hair a little greasy to be honest .. or maybe this is the big testosterone surge, I used to have much greasier hair as a male. I sort myself out a bit more then head down to breakfast.

09.30 .. Breakfast alone .. like the first morning .. two cups of tea help

10.10 .. I return to my room

repack ..

10.35 .. Abby from Arizona gets the last word in

10.42 .. Goodbye to Abby and pack the laptop up ...

10.56 .. Karen will be shocked .. I’m ready and waiting, I wish I wasn’t .. I’m feeling really odd and my knees are shaking.

11.01 .. They are late !!! .. The Suporn Clinic mini bus arrives with Aey on board. Aey gets out and asks how I am, and reaches out and rubs my arm. .. the driver takes my things and Jib users me into the back, she sits along side me as far as the clinic where she jumps out, the driver heads off with me to the hospital. As she leaves she turns and says she’ll be “sleeping with you” (me) tomorrow night after my operation.

Now there’s a good idea .. the traffic lights have count down displays on them that tells you when they are going to change .. attention department of transport .. but that will be too expensive for the UK for sure and require years of research and debate.

11.15 .. We arrive at the hospital .. the driver stops me taking my bags, he’s on the phone. “Noon” appears through the doors and introduces herself .. “are you OK?” she asks .. rubbing my arm .. “not really”. A porter has my bags and a very big red bag on a trolley .. later I realise this big red bag is my take out supply bag .. it has every thing I’ll need to start me off at the hotel. It’s a nice bag, but they’ve spelt my name wrong again .. “Sara”.

<< bag contents image from Haynes manual >>

This is fast track stuff. Clearly a path has been reserved for me through the queues. A pretty female administrator takes my details from Noon and we wait for a minute.

I’m beckoned to a “station” where my weight .. showing 91Kg full dressed. She quickly moves on and does my blood pressure, heart rate and temperature. I think I’m warm .. she puts her hand on my arm while she talks Thai to Noon .. holding the ear hole temperature recorder towards Noon.

A blood test for HIV follows .. Dr Suporn won’t operate on HIV positive people. I’ve never done drugs of risky sex, in fact I’ve only ever had a physical relationship with two women, one well before HIV was invented, the other is obviously Karen.

Chest x-ray next and I walk past queue’s and I’m ushered into a small room to take my top clothes and necklace off .. a waist length gown is given me, the male radiographer does his job quickly.

ECG is next, again I’m ushered past queue’s .. everyone seems to be waiting for me. That is quickly done, but as I have to lay down, by big hair clip forces my head right over .. should have worn it down or in a pony tail, I very nearly did wear it down just for a change .. but it is too warm.

We return briefly to the first waiting area till the administrator is free to walk us up to the lift to the 9th floor. Noon shows me straight to my room, number 805. Noon takes time to explain a few things for me, the layout and what is what. She goes off to arrange my broadband for me 200 Baht a day .. about £3 at Thai Baht - Pound exchange rates .. I’ll be needing 8 nights, or 9 days .. what ever that works out at.

I’m weighed again by another nurse .. 89Kg .. that’s more like it, and my blood pressure and heart rate are taken again. Noon gives me a run down of the next 18 hours or so .. what will happen to me this afternoon and early evening .. << shudder, grimace >> .. and that a nurse will give me something to make me sleep at 20.00. I tell Noon I’d sooner it was later as I’d like to talk to Karen about 24.00 local time as soon as she’s home from work.

On her return she asks me to fill out a meal request. I’m really not that hungry .. so I go for the cream of chicken soup for lunch, then after remembering the Noon run down on today’s events for me and realising what will be done to me tonight, I go for Thai chicken noodle soup.

11.55 .. I’m left all alone in room 805 .. as Noon heads back to the office taking my menu choices with her.

So I set to unpacking my bag .. there is a load of space here for clothes, a lot more than the hotel, but I have few clothes with me .. mainly knickers. I get my purple lop ear bunny out that Karen bought me as a reminder of her .. for me to cuddle and think of her.

I go out onto the balcony and take a few photographs of my horizon, sadly the side of the room the bed is on faces away from the sea .. so I won’t see the sea unless I can walk to the balcony .. that won’t be for a few days for sure. There is a bay with those houses on stilts in the water used by fishermen I think.

Karen gave me a “guardian angel” recently, which has an awkward press stud retainer .. there is only one place for it, the rabbit needs to have it’s ear pierced. Lucky I bought my nail kit with me, I use the long nose pliers opened up to bore through the material. Loppy .. now sports my Guardian Angel in it’s left ear.

<< loppy_ear and loppy images >>

13.02 .. Lunch arrives looks like old fashioned NHS food ( see pic ) but that cream surface hides a load of meat, and I do mean loads.

13.45 .. The nurse comes to see me again asking how penicillin effects me .. to be honest it’s what I am told, I haven’t been given it since I was very young .. rash and sickness if I remember correctly.

14.05 .. I need the loo .. Karen will be getting up for work at home now .. where’s my broadband. OO-er .. I do need the loo too. I rush in, then rush out .. no loo roll .. I go to find a nurse at the nursing station .. I’m headed off. DOH .. a loo roll is beside my bed.

14.15 .. Tea supplies arrives while I’m on this low level throne .. it’s half way down to a kids size .. good thing I like coffee.

I hit the diary trail ..

14.20 .. I try to call Karen from the loaned mobile .. I get the answering machine. She’s probably in the shower .. I’ll try a bit later.

14.50 .. It’s now 07.50 at home and Karen should be down stairs .. I call her again ..

After asking the nurse about my broadband ( “soon” she says ) I go to see Sara in room 802 .. She’s an American from North California, where they are having the coldest winter for 100 years .. she likes this heat. We haven’t been chatting long when the female  Doctor who is the anaesthetist comes and drags me away. She wants to talk about her job and me. She tells me she is known here as “morning” .. apparently her nick name in Ning, and Mor is the word for doctor .. so Dr Ning becomes “Mor Ning”.

She’s got the blood test results back, there is a minor problem. No it’s not HIV, they did a clotting test and found my blood clotted “a little to quickly” .. to much so for her liking .. so in the morning they will start me on blood thinners while in hospital, just to give me more protection from DVT’s.

She asks me to lay on my bed, spotting Loppy as she does, and notices that my feet look a little puffy .. she’s going to tell the nurses to ensure I sleep with my feet above my head tonight. She’s taken notes of my allergies. She goes into detail of how she’ll be looking after me, that she might bring me round in recovery or later in my own room. Where ever, she’ll be with me till she’s perfectly happy I’m out of the anaesthetic properly, how ever long that takes.

She’s been made aware, and has seen it herself she is, that I’m very stressed .. so they are going to knock me out after my “cleansing” tonight, and after my shower they’ll give me a pre med immediately .. confining me to bed there after .. sulks. Her passing shot is that my cleansing is booked for 20.30 .. ( I’m typing this bit at 20.25 ) .. oo er, and may have to be repeated three times to ensure I’m “really clean”. 

As she finishes I head back to Sara’s room, after a minute I’m pulled away .. it’s the IT chap .. and a problem I discovered looking at Sara’s lash up. Each patient gets there own 1Mbs WIRED router. I left my card in the hotel expecting wireless here .. so he can’t connect me as is about to take stuff away. I stop him and call the clinic .. they are going to send a car and driver to collect me and return me via the hotel so I can collect my wired network card .. that nearly stayed at home too .. phew.

I wait in reception as agreed .. the clinic has phoned MorNing to let her know, she comes to find me while I wait. It’s Jib who collects me, her English is pretty good and we chat as she does the driving .. she’s so tiny to drive this, thought I’m not worried. She has an English boyfriend here and really wants to visit England,  and also France and Italy “because they are so romantic”. When I mention Karen and I’s visits to France she asks if I can speak French .. enough to get by on is my reply .. “your English is many times better than my French .. she giggles”.  

I get back to the hospital and put the pile of bits the IT man left behind together .. yippee it works.

17.10 .. An old friend “chastitybeltmaid” is the first to pop up and say hello as I go visible on Yahoo. We’ve only just started, and like so many others the last couple of days she has some really nice things to say to me,  when .. my supper arrives .. I make my excuses and we say goodbye, maybe chat later.

17.15 .. My supper has arrived, with more than one mistake. The dish I had written down and crossed out has arrived along with the spicy chicken noodle soup .. I attack the soup first .. an interesting delivery .. the bowl contains no liquid, just cooked noodles, and chicken and some green bits .. a polythene bag contains the “soup” .. I want to try the other dish that looks really nice, so I only have half the soup .. if I eat too much the cleansing later will be extra horrible.

I uncover the second chicken dish to discover amongst the egg fried bean sprouts andfried rice a shrimp !!!!! ahhhhhhhh .. I grab one of my little notice labels and find a nurse .. she is so embarrassed !! She gets another member of staff .. they are going to call catering and get it replaced .. I tell them not to bother .. I’d sooner stay light tonight .. I had a lot of the soup stock, which will be my diet for the next few days anyway .. it didn’t taste as bad as others had said.

As I’m explaining to the nurses .. this is going to be hard work in the coming days .. not to worry now .. they want me to eat more .. the IT man arrives and finds me all set up and going .. he looks at me with some sort of “well done” .. I point to me and say “IT Engineer” ( part time ) .. he smiles and bows .. then leaves.

Now .. in England you might find a little bag of salt and peeper with your meal, here it’s salt and course ground dried red chilli .. let me just say a little takes your head off. I maybe had 10% of the packet stirred into my soup .. hmmm .. HOT !!! .. << grimace >>.

21.10 .. My bits are given a very close shave .. gosh totally hairless it does look rather odd.

21.20 .. Enema time .. x 3 .. oo er that isn’t pleasant.

23.00 ..Yahoo chat with Abbey in Arizona .. she’s very kind as usual, she’s a good friend and her time here will come for sure.

23.30 .. Skype call to Karen .. this is a very hard call to make .. I’m weeping on and off as we talk, she’s my rock, I love her to bits, and as everybody says she’s one special woman.

More to come ...

Day 1134. Wednesday 16th January 2008. ( DR Suporn works his magic on me today ..  )

Memory Joggers ...

00.01 .. I swallow the sleeping pill .. I layed here for quite a while till suddenly I was aware of my heart pounding in my ears.

06.30 ..  A nurse wakes me up .. “You go shower now Sarah”, she places a little pot beside me .. “take this when you get into bed after your shower.

06.35 .. The sleeping pill hasn’t warn off .. but I call Karen from the loan mobile .. she’ll try calling that when she gets up in the morning.

It’s another shower, and a bottle of hibby scrub to wash below the waste.

07.10 .. I put my gown on .. and boot the laptop.

07.30 .. Take the “premed tablet” ..

07.35 .. So here I am sitting on my bed doing this .. trying to take my mind off it.

07.40 .. The premed is stating to work .. I better switch this off. The next lines I type from here on will be the new me ..

Well and so it is .. it’s Thursday afternoon as I type this.

07.55 .. I’m told to get out of bed and lay on the trolley that is parked by my room door. I’m carrying Loppy as I head across the room, a nurse pulls her out of my arms and places her back on the bed .. sulk, sulk.

The sides are pulled up on the trolley and I’m taken down to floor 2 and the operating theatre. In England they put you to sleep in an anaesthetic room, not here.

08.05 .. says the big theatre clock. I am surrounded by people .. the premed seems to be wearing off as I get stressed. The operating table has two arms that my arms are held to and massaged. Another girl is clipping things on my chest and suddenly I hear the heart monitor going. I keep hearing little voices, “relax Sarah”

“MorNing” suddenly looms over my face .. “relax Sarah” .. deep breaths. Three people are working at my foot end wrapping my legs in elastic bandages. I feel the prick as a needle goes in my left wrist. MorNing looms over me again, “I’m going to give you some gas to relax you more” I remember taking as few breaths and I’m out.

15.30 .. I come round in my own room, MorNing is beside me as is a couple of nurses and Jib from the clinic. “Are you in pain I keep being asked” .. not really, there is drip going with morphine I believe. I’m being lectured on not moving too much.

I drift in and out of consciousness for a while.

When I feel awake I boot the PC .. and go on Yahoo .. old friend “Chastitybeltmaid” is the first to congratulate me ...

I call Steve and Fiona .. Fiona answers, she’s surprised to be hearing from me so soon.

23.45 .. Aey is on the couch a few feet from me .. I feel sorry, she’s huddled under 3 blankets for warmth .. I’m cooking in bed .. the aircon is at 20.

More to come ...

Day 1135. Thursday 17th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

00.10 .. I say goodnight to Karen and take the sleeping pill .. I’m soon out .. for a while anyway.

I don’t have a very goodnight to be honest, with this wedge between my legs and feeling warm on and off. Aey seems to have radar, everytime I reach out for a drink she’s there.

I’m suffering from terrible wind, the Thai’s do call it gas, that just won’t come out. Aey says I must eat something .. and she trots off to find me some cornflakes. I eat them ok, even without sugar .. and half an hour later .. I felt sorry for Aey, my nose isn’t the most sensitive but .. hmmm.

Several times she’s massaging my legs, which is very nice, she says she is trying to learn proper 
Thai massage, she wants to go to England with her boy friend who lives in Southampton and do massage there, just for women.

06.30 .. I’m woken up for breakfast. Two slices of toast and a yoghurt. That’s followed by a little tub of 6 pills .. I should be taking my supplements, but I an not.

07.55 .. Dr Suporn comes round. He was pleased with the way things went yesterday, and advises me to do this and that while laying here. He checks my two tubes, the drain is sort of red / brown blood, good he says. The catheter he’s very pleased with, it’s really clear because I’ve been downing what seems like gallons of water. Tuesday night the nurses were moaning at Sara in 802 cause hers was brown .. from drinking little else than coke. 

10.10 .. Well what a lovely surprise .. a big bunch of flowers arrives with a note saying that they were from Karen .. they are beautiful, yellow roses, white lilies, carnations and what looks like giant marigolds.

12.45 .. Lunch arrives .. chicken broth soup .. I thought it might just be liquid, but there’s loads of meat.

14.55 .. I phone Karen, but I’m an hour early .. doh .. brain addled, to see how she is and thank her for the flowers. I end up in tears again as I hang the phone up. Gosh I miss her.

17.45 .. I’m roasting and in pain, I ring the buzzer and the nurse takes one look at me, cranks up the air con. and sticks a thermometer in my mouth ... “slight fever” she says. I’m in a fair amount of pain below, so she gives me a booster hit of Morphine straight into the cannular .. it’s very quick at taking away the pain, and logical thought.

More to come ...

Day 1136. Friday 18th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

00.10 .. Having said goodbye to Karen, I close the PC and take the painkiller and sleeping tablet left with me earlier.

I did lay awake till the sleeping pill worked and I was out.

I was woken up by a nurse at some time taking my blood pressure and temperature .. “no fever” is the phrase I got as she rubbed my shoulder and left.

06.10 .. They like their routine here .. it’s wake up time .. a pot of 8 pills this time .. hmmmm.

06.30 .. ish .. Im aware of movement behind me and a clunk .. that’ll be breakfast arriving .. but I just lay there having found a sweet spot.

A nurse comes in and tells me to eat, “doctor here soon” .. so I do .. two slices of cold anaemic toast, and strawberry jam, a bonus is a cartoon of Kiwi drink.

08.05 .. Dr Suporn arrives with Jib in tow. He checks me over and removes a layer of dressing from my crutch area .. this relieves the pressure a bit. Unfortunately even the micropore tape used non this layer has blistered my skin .. I hate to see what the elastoplast next to labia he’s created  has done .. there is a sort of burning there I can sense sometimes.

Dr Suporn tells me I can get up on Monday and the pack will come out then .. yippee .. soon I’ll get to see my new genitalia at long last. I’m in agony with my back so I let the doctor know, his reply is he’ll get a physio to come in and look at it for me. He and Jib leave, Jib turns and says she’ll come see me again later .. time will tell, was a hollow promise yesterday.

08.15 .. Soon after the doctor has gone, in comes a nurse with a syringe .. more morphine straight into the cannula .. ah .. relief for the back but my brain goes .. Just as I was booting the PC.

I open my emails and there is one titled Claire from Karen .. I open it and I’m soon in tears .. happiness and joy that finally her move has taken place .. I wish it could have happened as planned last week when I was emotionally stronger.

-Hi, just to let you know  << snip .. I've had to remove the good news e-mail from Karen on her say so >>
love Karen xx

Sadly a nurse walked in while I was crying, she disappeared and arrived seconds later mob handed along with the hospital administrator .. about six of them were stroking me and the better English speaking ones where trying to ask why .. it was difficult trying to explain why I was crying .. they all seemed so worried about it .. these are lovely people. 

Sometime later a nurse appears with another syringe .. straight into the cannula .. I’m brain dead again, so I put the laptop down, flatten the bed and curl up and sleep for awhile .. to be woken sometime later by a noise behind me .. lunch has arrived so it must be about 12.00. I just lay there .. CD 2 of Michael Jackson’s “History” album is playing on my laptop .. it’s soothing and I can’t be bothered to move to be honest .. I’m in a comfy position with my back.

I eventually sit up and consume half a bowl of luke warn cream of sweet corn soup. Some fresh sliced pineapple that follows is very nice.

13.05 .. My Skype phone rings .. It’s Karen .. I was supposed to call her 5 minuted ago .. but my brain is addled. 

We are chatting for a while, mainly about the news on Claire, when I have to call the call short .. a young man has arrived with a trolley with some equipment on.

I’m asked to roll over as far as I can, he carefully pads me out with pillows so I’m firmly wedged .. he uncovers my back and asks “where pain” .. I indicate the area. A couple of cold things go on my back followed by a warm wet cloth of some sort. I can’t really see what’s going on behind me. I hear some dials being turned then a click .. and my back suddenly starts to shimmer and tingle .. ah this is lovely .. as he walks out he says 30 minutes .. great I think time to catch Karen again before she leaves for work.

Well that sensation was so lovely, I fell asleep. I woke up still attached to his machine, but now nothing. I look over my shoulder at the clock .. it’s now 14.05 .. bum Karen’s gone. The young man appears and removes the equipment .. as he leaves he turns and says “one more, same tomorrow” .. I’ll look forward to that.

17.00 ..Dinner arrives .. I ordered a plate of chicken fried rice .. it’s really nice, again a little bag of warm sauce is included ton pour over the dish. I choose the fresh fruit selection .. it’s only apple and seeded grapes.

17.35 .. I make a Skype out call to Christine in Whitby, she’s joining me on 11th Feb. I give her a  run down on things she’ll need to bring .. she doesn’t belong to the Dr_S_club group .. and to be honest I’ve discovered they are a cleaque bunch showing little support for others. SRSinThailand are proving a much more supportive group in general.

Sarah_b comes up on Yahoo for a chat, at the moment I can’t do two things at once .. I put her on hold.

17.55 .. Julie from Dorchester calls me on Skype .. we chat about this and that for ages. A pretty nurse comes to take my vitals and I have to shut up for a while .. LOL. Another nurse appears very shortly caring a pot with flowers .. “from Dr Suporn” she says with a smile .. they aren’t as nice as Karen’s << smiles >>.

I get the camera out and take some pictures of Dr Suporn’s flowers, and while I’m at it a picture of the pipes coming in and out of me. The drain which was blood filled the last couple of days is now yellow with occasional red or brown spot in it. My catheter is nice almost clear colour again that Dr Suporn liked the first morning after.

18.05 .. A nurse brings in “medicine” << grimace >> .. I got nine pills in this pot .. she points at a little yellow one “for back pain” ... and gives me a big smile .. she rubs my leg as she walks away.

18.28 .. all the light’s go out .. after about 20 seconds I hear a loud roar .. initially the power points come on, then the lights after about 30 seconds. The block of flats opposite is in darkness still.

For a while I’ve lost communication with the outside world .. all the right lights are on on the router. I give it a quick reboot .. sorted.

19.30 .. I “um and argh” about calling my mum .. is it worth the pain .. I’m not sure but I guess I should. I do call her, fortunately a nurse comes in wanting to do things with me after ten minutes giving me an excuse to ring off. The nurse empties my urine bag, gosh that’s a relief as I suddenly feel movement inside of me .. so the slight discomfort was a full bag I suspect.
I chat with my best friend Linda for quite a time and a Suporn girl called Katie who arrives here on 11th.

20.20 .. I phone Karen just in time ..

20.24 .. Angela from Wales pops up for a chat ...

20.45 .. A Visitor .. Jib comes in briefly to say hello .. as she promised .. and says she’ll be in tomorrow .. “your wide awake” is her first comment when she see’s me .. LOL.

21.39 .. Abby from Arizona pops up for a long chat .. she’s one friend it seems I can rely on to keep me amused on and off through the day.

If I don’t start on my photo page’s now, I never will .. so I make a start.

23.35 .. Karen pops up on messenger, initially it’s a thank you for the flowers I’d organised for her, she’s guessed I’ve done a standing order .. doh. On Skype I get a roasting for the flowers, that is sending them to school rather than home. They could be stolen from home, and as I’m stealth at her school with most of the staff, she’s only got to say her husband is away from home on business for 5 weeks. She starts to read my diary, second bollocking is delivered for quoting her e-mail about Claire’s move happening smoothly .. nothing was really given away, “derbyshire” is a big place .. but to please her I’ve snipped it.

00.15 .. feeling rather low now .. nightie night.

More to come ....

Day 1137. Saturday 19th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

06.00 .. The daily grind starts as I’m woken up.

It’s the Saturday morning weigh in ... I wish I could .. interesting to see how much I’ve lost, how much does the meat and two vege’s weigh .. LOL .. sorry couldn’t resist that one.

07.30 .. Breakfast arrives late I think .. and I eat it even later. I’m munching through my second slice of toast when ..

08.15 .. Dr Suporn appears, I thank him for the flowers he sent yesterday. He asks if my back  treatment helped, I reply “yes a lot” .. “good, I’ll fix for every day”. He saya the plaster can come off tomorrow and I can shower on Monday, not sure if that means the packing will come out tomorrow too ..

09.00 .. Bed bath time .. they nurses are very gentle .. and careful how they pull and roll me around.

10.15 .. A nurse comes to check my vitals again .. she reads the thermometer .. “no fever” is nice to hear.

10.35 .. I’ve got a big “gas” feeling going on, but I’m not sure, it feels like I want to pass something solid .. I’ll have to call the nurse ... she says “don’t worry must be gas, like girl next door”.  Another nurse follows her in with a massive syringe, I assume morphine, well the hit certainly was.

My mind is now in a different place as I flatten the bed and just lay here.

11.00 .. A girl and the same man as yesterday appear to work on my back .. they roll me over and connect me too there machine. after the damp cloth they load up layers on my back till it’s quite a weight ... KLICK .. bliss for only twenty minutes. The girl walks off, but the man stays and sits on the settee and tries to talk to me in broken English.

What with the morphine hit as well I could easily have dropped off. Later once the treatment was finished, and the male saying “same again tomorrow Sarah”, to which I answered “yes please”, I did manage to drift off for quite a while.

12.30 .. lunch has arrived, along with another pot of 9 pills.

12.41 .. Ambre from Idaho pops up for a chat, which is nice ..

13.42 .. My wall clock has stopped .. 

I’m one unhappy bunny this afternoon, I feel I need a number 2 but the nurses say it not possible yet, though they allowed me to sit on a bed pan for a while, which was a fruitless exercise.

14.30 .. The afternoon coffee and cake arrives, why they bother I don’t know because the hot water machine in this room is US.

16.00 .. Bed bath number two today .. gosh it’s so lovely to feel clean.

17.00 .. Dinner arrived and was taken away, just leaving the banana’s behind .. I really can’t eat with the way I feel ..

18.35 .. I “pass gas” and unfortunately a little something extra, which didn’t reach the bed. I ring the buzzer a nurse comes running, I’m scrabbling through my Haynes manual useful phrases .. it takes an age to find what I want .. it’ll stay open at that page from now on .. << grimace >>.

The bed pan arrives, I perch on it and nothing happens .. I’m so embarrassed I’m soon in tears. The nurse runs to find another who is so nice, telling me not to worry, I’m scrabbling through pages in my Thai guide .. picking out words to explain my worries. Both nurses are rubbing my arms and legs to console me, saying “don’t worry”, “not problem”. The English speaking nurse, yet another pregnant one, tells me in broken English I’m their best patient .. cause I never (rarely) use the buzzer.

Things happen and she and another clean me up very carefully. One of the problems with not being able to go easily is that my buttocks are literally being held together my a cross of very wide tape just ahead of my anus .. makes life interesting, no that’s the wrong word .. it’s a right pain in the a*** when you move or do anything .. << blushes >> .. <<soft giggle >>. 

Later, the nurse who came to rescue me with broken English comes in to tell me she’s going home, and that she’ll come and see me tomorrow .. nice to know I have a friend maybe.

I want to be quiet this afternoon, so I hide invisible on Yahoo .. only Gaynor from Guildford actually sends an off liner on the off chance. Sorry Gaynor, I didn’t respond immediately, I was laying with my eyes closed.

23.06 .. Karen calls me on Skype .. she’s surprised not to find me visible on Yahoo .. I explain why. She’s been to my mum’s, sadly it was the usual routine of her and her woes. The call doesn’t last long as I call for help from a nurse ..

A nurse comes in, page prepared I point at the English phrase .. she reads across to the Thai line and gets the bed pan. She leaves me perched alone, and eventually something moves. Problem is I’m not allowed to push, cause of the whole and packing I now have between my legs. All the nurses, and the Haynes manual stress that point. For the next year, constipation will have to be considered a great danger till my neovagina is fully healed up and attached itself inside my abdomen.

23.28 .. I call Karen back .. we talk for a while, she goes and looks at my first picture page that is now finished .. so do I and spot a problem with a link back to the picture index .. quickly fixed.

The call ends and I add some diary notes.

00.21 .. I need to switch off and go to sleep.

More to come ...

Day 1138. Sunday 20th January 2008.

06.00 .. I’m dosing, still effected by last nights sleeping pill I guess when a nurse sweeps in to open the curtains.

06.30 .. Breakfast arrives .. I’m hungry, so I boot the PC and visit the trans-mission chat room as it’s 23.30 at home it should be busy .. I’m not wrong .. a few girls are very kind.

I suddenly need a bed pan again, sadly the diarrhoea from Sunday / Monday still seems to be with me, or it’s all the fruit and water I have to drink that causing the problem. I ring the buzzer ..

A familiar nurse appears, I have book in hand to show her, she knows ..”poo-poo” .. I nod, she collects the pan. The nurse says “up” .. as I do she slides it in .. arghh .. this one, stainless steel of course, must have been kept in a fridge .. “Too cold” I yelp .. she laughs “ring buzzer when finished.  So here I am balancing on a pan clearly made for smaller Thai bums waiting for things to happen .. While I wait I eat my breakfast, two slices of toast and a yoghurt.

Once sorted, I lay with my bed flat .. waiting for Dr Suporn.

08.10 .. Dr Suporn arrives .. time for the great unveiling ..

It get’s really painful pulling off the dressing, Dr Suporn stops and gets the nurse to give me a shot of morphine .. he waits a minute or two for it to work. He fills a bag of outer dressing and some packing .. the main packing he leaves in till Tuesday I think he said. He gives me a mirror so I can see my self .. gosh his workmanship is stunningly beautiful. He carefully uses a little spatula to point out the parts of my new anatomy .. when he pulls the labia gently apart he touches my clitoris .. WOW .. that is sensitive already. 

Dr Suporn warns me that over the next few days it’ll look less pretty for a while .. but that is normal. The stitching that runs close to the junction of both legs is so incredibly smooth, even and tiny, he assures me there will be no visible scar in the next few weeks.  I’m stunned .. Dr Suporn is an incredibly talented man, what I see just looks so amazing, and the fact that it’s already sensitive in the right places .. I’m ever so pleased.

The hair at the front of me is already growing back from it’s close shave Tuesday night, it’s horrible and stubbly .. that won’t feel too pleasant in knickers.

Dr Suporn clears away his stuff and heads off to see another patient .. leaving me to my thoughts .. like .. ruddy hell I need a bed pan again ..

Bed pan ordeal sorted .. I lay back and every now and then lift the sheet to look .. words fail to describe the way I feel .. and now I’m booing with shear joy of being the real me at long last, as I do again at 14.35 as I type this .. words simply cannot explain the way I feel now. The dressing was so massive I had no idea of what beauty lied beneath. 

11.00 .. Free of one drain .. I lay on my stomach as the back treatment is set up .. the little Thai guy who has been here everyday sets it all up and switches on .. bliss .. for a while he’s sitting on the sofa talking to me, trying to learn from each other by my phrase book .. unfortunately I fell asleep .. the chap laughed once finished and I woke .. “ you go sleep .. << giggles >> .. me good you”. He’ll be back tomorrow he promises.

Jib pops in to say hello, I ask if she’s with anybody new, she says yes a french girl with little English .. Jib doesn’t understand French .. I offer to help if I can, but my French is for shops and restaurants .. LOL

12.55 .. lunch arrives .. a fruit platter which I really enjoy.

13.00 .. Nature calls again .. this embarrassing. I’m a little worried at the blood spot in the pan as the nurse pulls it away .. I’m guessing from the whole where the drain was.

A cleaner arrives holding a battery at me .. it’s for my stopped clock .. so now I can see the time without working forward on the PC clock which I’ve left at GMT deliberately.

13.25 .. Laura from french speaking Switzerland pops in for a chat, she’s been admitted today for her SRS surgery tomorrow ..

14.05 .. Laura re appears .. with her wife in tow .. “Micheline” is what she said I’m sure. Both are very sweet, and staying on the 6th floor in the hotel, room 815 here.

I lay flat for a while, this ruddy bed is really doing my back in, there seems to be a hollow right where the small of my back is, about the area of where it folds in two ways .. oh yes did I mention this is one off those flash electric beds.

15.30 .. I’m in real time adding some more notes, I’ve had the possible female equivalent of “morning wood” a couple of times since lunch .. with my clit feeling it’s engorging and moving slightly in the folds it’s hiding in .. << blushes >> .. but I hope this means it’s healthy.

14.00 .. Time to ring Karen .. the chat initially is about Claire, the new home are certainly taking the bull ( Claire , as in China shop ) by the horns and trying to face down her behaviours. Seems like big Bob ( the new home supervisor ) is a good guy, though we feel a little fool hardy to expect instant change from Claire.

Conversation swings to me and how I feel, I’m booing again, happiness for my new bits, sadness because Karen is so far away, Laura and Micheline are together here and apparently quite happy .. Karen probably didn’t want much detail of my bits, so I didn’t give them.

14.25 .. I ring off from Karen .. and have a gentle boo on my own, this is not an easy thing to do, and at the moment my head is in another world even though I realise that the morphine is being weened off, the fingers and thumb on my left hand are now almost normal.

17.00 .. Dinner has arrived, so I tuck in but not heavily, I chose a Thai chicken curry .. not sure given my current fairly major difficulty with diarrhoea it was good choice .. but

17.15.. I buzz for a nurse, they must dread my indicator coming on .. “poo poo” she says .. “chai kor” ( yes please ) I respond .. it all gets sorted. As I get on the pan, Sandie from Poole pops up a message on Yahoo on the off chance as I’m in “invisible” mode .. my reply is too late and she’s gone.

One phrase missing from the Haynes manual of useful phrases for hospital is “Can I have medicine for diarrhoea” .. so using my Thia word book I show “medicine for diarrhoea” she nods and walks off. A few minutes later a nurse with good English comes in and tells me Dr Suporn has asked them to give me something, I’m given choice of injection or pill .. not knowing where they might inject, I go for the cowards pill .. << grimace >>.

18.02 .. The post dinner pills arrive, the nurse says the extra one is for “stop diarrhoea” .. relief I hope.

18.30 .. I buzz for a nurse, same one as before comes in, she must be on punishment today ..  “poo poo” .. I nod and she does her side of the business .. as I desperately scramble to get onto the pan there is a sharp sting in my groin, I hope I haven’t damaged anything. The nurse covers me up and leaves.

Gosh I hate this, 5th time today and it probably won’t be the last .. I start thinking about things, life etc, and start booing on the pan. I call the nurse, she’s more concerned about me crying than cleaning me up “don’t worry, everything OK” as she rubs my leg and arm to comfort me.

19.35 .. After a lay down decide to call Chris, my ex-colleague from work and we have a natter, in the main about work related things and the plane crash at Heathrow ..

20.00 .. back to the grind .. and I think I need the loo again.

21.00 ...speak to karen

21.25 .. It’s bed pan time again, I really feel sorry for nurse

22.10 .. give up bed pan as bad joke ... my bum is developing a special shape to slot in it I’m sure.

Last call to Karen ...

22.35 .. I’m starting to feel a little sick time for bed, maybe do photo pages tomorrow, and try and explain my feelings.

Day 1139. Monday 21st January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

05.58 .. I’m aware of movement in my room and look at the clock “good morning Sarah” .. start of the daily grind.

Another nurse soon follows and squirts a syringe into my drip “antibiotic” she says. I lay there dozing to be woken again by another nurse with a pained expression on her face .. seems my cannular is blocked .. she tries to flush it out with no success so she removes it .. “new one later if needed”.

06.30 .. Breakfast arrives .. I boot the PC as I chomp my toast, yoghurt and a banana left over from yesterday.

07.35 .. Aey arrives just as I feel the need to go, she is aware of my problems yesterday, and organises the bed pan for me. A great deal of gas but little else. While I sit there Aey gets my handbag out of the safe, I give her one of my company business cards and ask her to give it to “Micheline”, Laura’s wife, so Laura can contact me tomorrow.

08.05 .. Oh my gosh, embarrassed or what, Dr Suporn arrives while I’m on my metal throne, he smiles, clearly he isn’t going to get a looksee today. He says I can get out of bed and shower later.

08.15 .. Micheline in dressing gown enters my room with Aey, clutching my card sort of questioning why I sent it to her .. I show her the returned email but she doesn’t understand, so we chat through Yahoo Babel fish .. she soon gets the message. She’s going to be at a loose end for a few hours, so I suggest she comes back later for a chat .. she nods in agreement.

I take a while to check my e-mails then lay down to save my back .. 09.00 the promised shower time comes and goes. I decide to try and comb my hair out .. the mount in my lap when I’d finished, I certainly did comb it out. If they hadn’t taken my scrunchy off before taking me to theatre my hair may have survived better.

09.45 .. Two nurses arrive and I can hear things being done in my bathroom.  They then come to me “get up now for shower” .. so I try to sit bolt upright and slide .. stupid thing to do as some stitches grate across the bed. Oo - er what a mess the bed is in .. I’ve obviously been leaking blood .. a nurse rubs my arm as I look horrified .. “don’t worry it’s normal”.

They make me perch on the bed for a while .. till my head stops spinning .. gosh I didn’t expect this. One nurse says “lay down try again tomorrow” .. no way .. so I say “I’m OK, shower now please”. So I stand, gosh my feet are tingling. I take two steps and hold the wall for support, one of the nurses doing this with me is one of the pregnant ones, I’d hate to have to rely on her if I fell.

They’ve set up a chair with handles either side of the seat with a rubber doughnut cushion .. I take a couple of wobbly steps across the room and sit on the chair, the nurse dumps my catheter bag on the floor at my feet .. lovely. One of the nurses starts the shower running “sit still I wash you” .. but I want to DIY.

You cannot imagine the feeling of a power shower after 5 days in bed .. and I washed my hair .. full monty 2 wash then cindition.
10.45 .. back in bed ..

10.55 .. Micheline arrive’s

11.00 .. Physio arrives .. Micheline departs ..

Micheline returns on off chance .. I say “dix minutes” .. she understands.

11.50 .. Micheline returns, I get FireFox to display the french version of Yahoo Babel Fish. It turns out that Micheline knows a little more English than she had originally let on. We are getting on really well, they have two children in there 30's, the girl has a baby and one on the way. They come from Lucerne in Switzerland.

I explain the advantages of Yahoo and Skype while here, she wants me to set up Laura’s laptop to use it too. I’ll try and wander round tomorrow to see them and sort them out before I get sent back to the hotel on Wednesday probably, clearly Babel Fish will be really handy to them to converse with the nurses.

13.20 .. A nurse pulls Micheline into see me, apparently Laura is now awake in the recovery room, and wants Micheline to follow her .. I type a couple of lines into Babel Fish .. Micheline cracks a big grin and now happily follows the nurse.

14.00 .. I give Karen her wake up call ..

Reasonably good news about Claire in her new Derbyshire home ..

14.35 .. I’ve got another lunch .. LOL .. well my proper lunch. Being that I’m famished I thought I’d play safe and go for a cheeseburger .. guess what .. it’s a Macdonald’s one in Macdonalp’s wrapping ... I’ll save the accompanying banana

14.45 .. I pop Abby in Arizona a quick Yahoo message as agreed earlier then go to Skype. Clearly there is not enough bandwidth today to run to many together, and this old 500Mhz P3 laptop is working to hard, poor old thing. As earlier with Karen, I had to close thunderbird and Yahoo to get sufficient bandwidth. We chat about all sorts, and practical things to bring here when she comes, I think she’ll become a Supornista ( the term donned by Dr Suporn SRS patients ) when her time comes. 

16.06 .. Chat with Anna from Bournemouth on Yahoo, she was the first Supornista I met about 5 years ago during my early Reading Beaumont Society days, I knew her pre op .. we chat for ages .. she knows where I am through group messages, we chat about a lot of things .. not sure how we got onto France and St Vaast, but she thinks it would be a nice place to go with her partner Beth for a break.

17.31 .. I end the call with Anna though she’s in her home office and she assures me she’s happy to continue I do feel guilty about taking friends time up, so we say goodbye and plan to talk again soon. I layed down to give my bum a break, not for long, when another friend pops up to say hello ..

17.44 .. Linda pops up on Yahoo for a quick chat, and we quickly go to Skype allowing me to lay flat on the bed .. we are talking about all sorts. Linda is one of the few friends who I allow to ask questions of a very personal nature, because I consider our relationship special in certain ways, she tells me things I wouldn’t repeat to anyone, and vice versa.

18.50 .. Skype suddenly drops the call and for a moment I cannot reconnect. I reboot Skype and it does the trick. Just as Linda answers Micheline, Laura’s wife suddenly bursts into my room, I tell Linda I’ll be right back. Micheline’s poor English is enough to tell me Laura is in a lot of pain even with a lot of morphine, I can tell the concern in her face, though she’s relieved she’s got through it. I fire up Babel Fish and offer her the use of my Skype if she wants to call home .. she smiles broadly and says “tomorrow” .. I wouldn’t know the french for that, and with that she rushes out after I’ve promised to walk round and see them tomorrow once I’m free of the catheter.

19.50 .. I finally end my call with Linda ..
A chance to sit on the loo and pluck my eyebrows .. oh my gosh !!

Micheline rushes in Laura is back in 815, maxed out on Morphine but still in agony .. she’s worried, I try to calm her .. and promise I’ll come round tomorrow.

Call Dad and Dee ..

Numerous on line chats and nice e-mails, including one from my colleague Andrew in Cardiff .. firrt

Call Carolyn at work ..

23.25 .. Karen calls

00.20 .. Karen pops up on Yahoo messenger .. “go to bed!” ... yes mistress

01.30 .. update loaded .. tut tut

More to come ...

Day 1140. Tuesday 22nd January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

I didn’t sleep to well to be honest, quite uncomfortable on the left side .. between my legs, but I soldiered on stupidly.

06.00 .. The morning routine starts ..

06.15 .. A nurse comes to see me, she senses I’m not my usual self “what wrong” .. I describe the pain and she wanders off and returns with a syringe of morphine .. problem, they didn’t replace the blocked cannula yesterday, she disappears for ages and returns with a trolley, preps my hand and puts another cannula in. “Smaller this time” she says. In goes the morphine .. fingers go numb and soon the burning between my legs is history .. I promptly fall asleep for a while.

06.45 .. Breakfast is late ..  two slices of toast, a yoghurt and two banana’s, I’ll keep the two fresh ones, and slice yesterday’s one into my yoghurt.

07.45 .. Jib pops in to see me .. promises a massage later .. we’ll see.

08.20 .. Rather later than usual, Dr Suporn and Jib appear .. he does the usual inspection and says it s all really good, but then worries me as he goes into a long chat in Thai to a nurse while pointing between my legs. That finished, he turns to me and says tomorrow at 06.00 a nurse will clamp my urine catheter and make me drink a bottle of water ( the hospital bottles are ½ litre ones ), he will then remove my packing, watch me go to the loo for the wee test then start my first dilation for me. After that, assuming all OK they’ll return me to the hotel at “midday”. 

09.00 .. Two nurses come to help me shower, I tie my hair up high as In don’t need that hassle today.

09.50 .. Ping an email arrives from Dave, a work colleague enquiring on how I am, he’s a real nice guy and keeps our station on air really from an op’s point of view the sent time was 02.48 !!! .. like most staff, he does far too many hours for free.

12.00 .. Take a walk down to Laura and Micheline in room ( can’t say ) .. gosh they have a suite .. hospital room smaller than me attached to bedsit that faces the bay completely .. what a stunning view she has from her bed .. I’m green with envy. We exchange so much info in an hour it’s unbelievable.

While there Jib walks in, and massages my shoulders for 30 seconds.

13.00 .. I have to go .. lunch is coming around, Micheline helps me back to room .. it’s only 25 metres or so, I’m exhausted when I get back ..

Fun with nurses taking there pictures and recording there voices as they say there names ..

The physio boys turn up .. the treatment puts me to sleep .. One refused a picture, he was anew face .. and spoke amazing English .. he’s moonlighting from another international hospital in Bangkok. After they left I snoozed on then chatted to a few old dependable friends, one I’ll now refer to as Louise .. rather than her quirky yahoo handle name .. at her request.

17.00 .. feeling refreshed .. I go for the promised return to Laura and Micheline, a nurse catches me dressing to go as I did this morning .. but shows me how to step into a doubled up sheet as a sarong .. well that saves a pair of nickers ..

She escorts me to the room and we knock .. but the room is in darkness .. Micheline rushes to the door, Laura bright and chirpy this morning is doubled up with pain and maxed out on Morphine again, so I retreat with the nurse who speaks reasonable English ..

Nurses station


Yahoo with Audrey for ages

Later I spend a very long time chatting to my oh so special friend Linda .. but on yahoo rather than Skype .. we both get into some heavy personal stuff .. and I’m booing for her at times as well as me .. I am pretty emotional at moment.

A fault at the Studio’s in London is paralysing a show .. and there isn’t an engineer on site .. I email advice then Skype call Gavin, later I get a nice e-mail, my advice on resetting the Studio phone system, how to locate it and how to do it has worked, Gavin e-mails me his thanks, I ask him not to tell Gary that I’d called to help out .. I’m not sure how Gary would react .. previously after my bike accident last Feb I had my “balls chewed off” for helping .. now there’s a thought, he couldn’t technically do that now .. << BIG GRIN>>.

23.25 .. Karen calls on Skype .. and I’m chastised for embarrassing her over flower deliveries ..

 End up booing again, I miss her so much ..

 Some rushed diary notes ..

Nightie night .. got a bid day tomorrow .. my wee test minus catheter and first dilation with Dr Suporn.

01.02 .. nightie night.

More to come  LOL ...

Day 1141. Wednesday 23rd January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

06.00 .. the routine starts, except this isn’t routine, the curtains are opened and I’m made awake, as the nurse explains what’s happening, she’s clamping my catheter, and I got to drink a litre of water in next 90 mins to fill bladder.

06.10 .. boot pc and login to tx chat room, lots of kind words from friends,

Find some lovely e-mails from friends ..

06.35 .. I find an email from Karen, such good happy news about Claire in new home .. serious tears flow, happy tears .. not good time as two nurses bring in a mountain of equipment for Dr Suporn later. They try to console me. One nurse has two syringes for me, but the cannular got pulled out while I slept, she wants to jab my bum each side now, with another one to come when Dr suporn starts .. I persuade her to put another cannular in and she does. I’m still whimpering and decide to call Karen who I know will be asleep but with our cordless skype phone beside her. She answers and is worried cause it’s a Skype call .. we chat briefly about the news, it’s so good  

Cannular in .. in goes morphine as a straight in hit and antibiotics go into reconnected drip.

The morphine hit is pretty quick, can’t feel so much pain in bladder but sense I might be losing it so I leave the Trans-mission chat room.

07.25 .. Sin arrives, and can see I’ve been crying .. I explain why. She says nurses will miss me because they reported on my help with Laura and Micheline and the fact I bother them little .. nice to know .. I explain it’s the genteel English way that is mine. She says English are nice as she rubs my hand, I respond and clutch hers saying Thai’s are the most kind .. and I shed a few more tears.
07.35 .. Sin returns to tell me Laura is OK this morning, good news indeed, I’ll go see her before I leave. Sin says nobody new is coming today, so I have choice of time to go to hotel, so maybe 13.00 rather than 12.00 so I can say goodbye.

I do some quick diary notes and read more e-mails .. to distract myself really .. this is another big moment really coming and I’m really nervous .. though the morphine hit is still here.

08.00 .. No Dr Suporn yet .. my bladder is very full even with morphine .. ouch .. well no pain but something is feeling distinctively full.

08.03 .. Dr Suporn arrives .. The bed is raised so I have to watch .. I forgot in the final panic to start my little voice recorder. Dr Suporn gets me to lift my bottom as he brandishes the “blue band” I’ve heard so much about.

First the catheter is removed .. now there’s a sensation .. and gosh far did that balloon on the end inflate .. for a not very long balloon the Dr took out two syringes of saline !! Sin is taking lots of pictures .. oo er .. I assume these will be included on the cd I will get of operation photographs. Well I thought with the catheter out I’d spray the good man, suddenly the pressure has gone but nothing is happening .. hmmm.

Then the packing is taken out. I’m very tense at this point, Sin says “deep breaths Sarah, relax” .. <<thinks>> ..that’s easy for you to say. I’m astonished at the mountain in front of Dr Suporn when he says last one .. and the sensation is .. hmmm .. ticklish in away .. but what a mountain of tape that was packed into that condom that was inside me.

With a mirror between my legs he starts to gently tease the folds around and gives me a name for each part.  Dr Suporn shows me how to prepare the dilator, it’s straight in with number 2 .. EH .. “number 1 for when things tighten up in a few weeks” .. and it keeps going in this is an interesting feeling .. LOL .. even with the morphine loss of pain .. I do feel movement. Finally he thinks it’s there “not to much pressure first two weeks” and he says 7 1/4" takes my finger and asks me to hold it gently .. the magic blue belt that was placed under me earlier is put between my legs and I’m told to hold it .. well because it’s sort of “tacky back” plastic it sticks to the skin on its own very well.

So here I am .. trying to relax for an hour with a 31mm diameter “Thai boyfriend” between my legs that are straight out in front of me, ankles about 2 foot apart. Relax, relax, relax .. I keep telling myself .. it takes a while but eventually I start to feel easier. After about 20 minutes a wave of calmness sweeps over me .. though I then start thinking of Karen and tears are rolling down my face .. this is going to be very hard for her too in other ways .. I look across at Loppy with the “Guardian Angel” both gifts from Karen .. I’m telling myself that was a gesture of love .. tears flow faster. 

Well at the end of the hour Sin returns with a nurse, she rubs my arm, “don’t worry”,  nearly 8 inch depth now according to Sin .. << big grin >> .. but I know from other patients histories I’ll possibly loose a little in 6 months. The dilator is taken away to be cleaned and returned to it’s brothers in the box.

A nurse walks me to the shower and I wash my hair .. but I still have no desperation to pee though which is worrying. If I can’t go Dr Suporn will put another catheter in.

Showered and feeling good, I take another bottle of water ( 500ml) from the fridge and walk around to see Laura & Micheline, Laura still is not good. I’m let in but with Laura maxed out on morphine it’s a struggle communicating with Michele .. thank goodness Laura’s laptop is on, babel fish to the rescue, we “chat” for a while as I sip water. I start to feel a desire to urinate .. and say ovoire .. Micheline promises to try and contact later, and we do the continental two kiss thing insisted on by her .. she clearly loves Laura a lot.

11.50 .. I return back in my room to pee .. but when I’ve walked the few metres I’ve lost the urge to go .. so I start to pack .. well Sin / Cin has emptied all the cupboards on to the bed anyway, making it easier for me. I want a hospital log’d glass as a souvenir, Sin says take one .. << smiles >>.

12.10 .. pee as a girl for first time .. now that feels so different .. and relaxing certain muscles on demand is the required skill .. mine won’t ..

12.30 .. gone from room 805 .. spend time at nurses station while waiting for a wheel chair that I HAD to have ..

12.55 .. I’m booing in the back of the car as I’m driven away .. the driver obviously notices and Noon turns round to comfort me “you want to go back” .. I’m not sure it’s cured my fear of UK hospitals .. but I’d feel less nervous about coming back I’m sure .. even if I’ve been counting the minutes till this moment.

13.20 .. I’m back in my hotel room, and unpack the bag from the hospital. Sin packs the additional supplies, gosh this room looks like a supermarket now. My first priority is to get the laptop up for 14.00 to call Karen. Sin finishes her unpacking and briefs me about the routine and how somebody will be round later to supervise my first dilation.

15.50 .. I’m hungry .. So have a strawberry yoghurt.

16.05 .. Noon appears and I have to start my first solo dilation .. I remembered most parts .. only one prompt. It’s a scary time this ..

17.00 .. Noon reappears ..

Talk to Ellen in New Zealand on Skype

Talk to Linda On Skype

19.30 .. head for dinner alone, but I get asked to join the party ..
Rosalyn, Tina her partner, Terri and I think the other she said Amanda

21.10 return to room .. oop’s nearly an embarrassing accident.

Thai sanitary pads are made for small bottoms ..

Start a spreadsheet to sort when where and if I take the 7 different pills.

Talk to Linda on Skype

Talk to Karen on Skype

Talk to Abby in Arizona on Skype

Updated with info 27/01/08 ... More to come ..

Day 1142. Thursday 24th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

15.02 .. Just make it into clinic, staff help me to a chair next to Sara, who turns to me to say she’s interviewing a Thai girl who wants to work for Dr Suporn for her English skills .. sounds better than some. I nod off .. gosh I feel exhausted .. but not for long.

15.30 ish .. I’m called into an examining room by Aey, Dr Suporn is in the adjoining one, and asked to get onto examining table. I explain last nights difficulties and burst into tears .. she says common problem immediately post op, not to worry and says Dr Suporn and he smiles broadly .. first time I’ve seen him do that .. he is quite intense and passionate about his work .. what one would expect of a leading expert in his field. In the mean time the nurse in there in hospital scrubs and mask with Aey start to massage my legs to relax me. 

Dr Suporn appears and Aey tells him about my problem .. clearly Dr Suporn and Aey have slightly different and overlapping English skills. I repeat parts of my problem to him as he asks for details. He says quite often when catheter is removed, the area of urethra that had been stretched reacts and swells, making flow difficult. When he says it’ll take 1 to 2 weeks to improve I’m getting distressed, though obviously today It was slightly better than yesterday.

He looks at my wound and says it’s looking good and that the nurse will remove some stitches that are an irritation when I walk. He also wants me to use more Dermazin cream more widely.

More to come ...

Day 1143. Friday 25th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

Ok today’s entries are made on Saturday, the [SH] means times from Skype history, so I know they are accurate ..

13.17  .. I finally call Karen thinking I’d lost my time slot almost .. she answers, but the way she does she’s obviously just woken up, or been woken up .. oh nooo .. ruddy brain, I’m early not late.

13.54 .. Karen calls me back .. doh .. sorry ..

14.17 .. Karen has to get up and get ready for work so says goodbye.

18.12 [SH] .. I establish a call with a friend Louisa .. but only a minute in I drop the call as there is knock at the door .. a man with a can of spray. He comes in, asks “where” .. I point out areas with ants, my desk / table, bed side table with Dilating stuff on and all the supplies under. He starts under the desk where I had kicked of my shoes, then turns and says, leave room come back in ten minutes.

I grab my shoes and bag as he liberally sprays over desk, inc PC in a visible haze. Gosh I can smell that, so it must be something strong smelling in that concentration. So I head down to the 7th floor lobby, what to do .. I check out the fruit bowl .. the DVD’s and settle down reading Bangkok Post .. DOH .. yes English version.

18.28 [SH] .. Back in my room I quickly reestablish the call with Louisa.

18.41 [SH] .. My head suddenly starts to spin, I feel sick, I hang up the call with Louisa and think about laying on the bed. I suddenly think that ruddy poison spray rather than surgery effect. I pop my shoes on again take bag and dash for the door. Gosh I feel ill in the corridor and being an end room, it’s a long walk to the 7th floor lobby where the chairs are.

I lay there for a while, but with a spinning head trying to relax .. mission impossible. After a while I just have to go for it.

23.14 .. The dilator is in, but it’s painful and I can’t reach my normal depth, just 7".

More to come ...

Day 1144. Saturday 26th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

It’s the Saturday morning weigh in ... yes I wish it was .. I'm thin as a rake, relatively .. I'm sure I've lost more than the 3kg I saw on my departure fromhospital.

However last night , Friday 25th,  I  hope I can consider myself lucky and quick witted that I'm alive now. I'm now ordered my a Thai GP not Dr Suporn to stay in bed till the symptoms have disappeared.

Cutting another long story short I was taken to see a Thai GP that first  Aey said I'd have to pay for, but then Mrs Suporn said she would pay. It was my quick wittedness again on the way out of the hotel with Aey that I told her to ask for the can from the hotel so the doctor could reed it.

Cutting short, if the good English speaking doctor had seen me in state last night she'd have had me rushed to hospital .. for detoxing .. this poison attacks the nervous system.

I'm now on total rest in room, double Thai recommended dose because of my size of a vitamin to help protect my nerves and an anti nausea drug to stop the world spinning, the later hasn't worked yet if then first is working I don't know.

The Thai doctor also said to me in English that Thai companies should instruct staff better on the correct handling of this chemical. She said in her opinion from the Thai instructions and knowing the chemical listed, the room should have been cleared before the spray was used, clearly not afterwards.

11.55 .. We leave the clinic ..

16.00 .. The soles of my feet keep burning sporadically and I've had 4 bowel movements by 16.00 local when I send a text Aey with info .. post op girls know how much work that creates .. when only ten days post op.

As I often say .. time will tell. However, the Thai GP's words in clear English to me was that all the clinic supplied goods that where sprayed over, and in the new room should be replaced was reduced to just wash them yourself wearing rubber gloves ( that had been sprayed over open bulk box ) by Aey ... hmmm.

More to come ...

Day 1145. Sunday 27th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

01.15 .. Karen calls on Skype .. she’s been to my mum’s and she wasn’t too bad .. was talking about my call again mid week.

I wash, go to the loo and have to do the whole below waste deal again.

01.55 .. I try to sleep .. but following getting my feet wet again .. agony .. son I lower the air-con temp and wedge my knees so I can try sleeping on my side covered in the duvet above the knees.

I slept on and off

07.25 .. I order a room service breakfast, the door tag should have been on the door by 03.00. I make a call, put the tag out with an 08.00pm end time.

07.50 .. A Thai waiter brings a large tray in .. I can’t eat all that .. omelet, pork sausages ( think baby frankfurters ) and three rashers of bacon. The hot chocolate is nearly white, orange juice, cornflakes and milk, oh and a large plate of sliced up fruit. I leave some fruit and most of the salad with the hot stuff. Sadly most of it just tastes bitter, except the bacon, though the bitter twang was there.

08.30 .. Start to prep for dilation .. done the clean up and dry off when suddenly need loo and another bowel movement .. that’ll make the dilation easier .. but now I have to start again .. doh ..

09.15 .. here I am flat on my back again .. for a moment I chat to Rachelle in Canada .. realise I’m not relaxing enough to have to end it .. on with ERA : ERA Dance .. it soon has an effect .. I’m also finding gently stroking my self just above where the stitches finish very relaxing, not a turn on at all but I can feel it get easier down below.

10.15 .. Start of the clean up routine .. 

11.02 .. I notice Audrey on line, she asks the same question as I was going to do .. was there any clinic staff in today .. she’s been told yes at breakfast, but I’m not so sure .. anyway neither of us know .. 

11.15 .. Cleanup routine is finished .. it’s that nice feeling time now .. just lay there knowing you don’t have to start for another 9.5 hours .. hmmm .. but it feels rather tight down there today .. whether it’s the healing process where the everything starts to contract .. 

14.05 .. lunch arrives .. a Cheese and Bacon sandwich .. looks good with chips and side salad.

14.10 .. Cin arrives .. all reassurances but unaware of real facts on Friday night or what the Thai GP said. Says I have an allergic reaction .. WHAT .. for goodness sake a POISON kills most things it’s intended .. this chemical is designed to kill things that have a nervous system .. intended for ants .. but as the doctor said people too.

15.49 .. Audrey “BUZZ!!!”’s to say she’s on her way up ...

15.52 .. She arrives .. gosh what a string bean she is. We chat and joke about all sorts for a while, good of one of the young ones to come and talk to one of us oldies, I ask her to tell the others to come and see me in a free moment. She is the only patient I’ve seen in 48 hours .. 

14.20 .. My computer starts to ring .. it’s Karen on Skype. It’s the usual thing battle to close applications down to produce a better call, then the hotel network logs me off .. grrrr. Log back in .. 5 minutes later. While I’m trying to reconnect Audrey gets uncomfortable sitting and decides to return to her room.

14.30 .. I call Karen back, we chat for 20 minutes ..

I write some diary while horizontal and follow Audrey’s suggestion and check out the TV stations .. most are noisy, the English one is covering a POLO match somewhere .. England are playing .. can’t stand that for long .. << grimace >>.

18.15 .. I dig my travel insurance wording out .. to see what I’m covered for .. £1,000,000 medical expenses and £50,000 legal.

18.45 .. Seeing Audrey and chatting about family reactions bought my Auntie Audrey into the conversation and remembered I must follow up the missed call on Friday .. so I do .. it’s engaged.

18.54 .. Still engaged.

I have the urge for another loo brake, so I take the laptop with me .. wireless luxury.

19.23 .. I finally get through to Aunty Audrey .. we chat about things here .. “your voice is sort of echoie .. hmmmm .. <<giggles >> .. they sometimes are Auntie on Skype .. LOL.

19.18 .. Christine from Whitby calls on Skype .. to see how I am and help keep me entertained as much as anything else .. with some of the gossip around her. It’s a nice day apparently, and if the tides are right she’s off to paint some pictures .. <<smiles>>. She’s attached some real nice digitals of her paintings on many recent e-mails .. she is good.

19.40 .. I’ve ordered my dinner .. Chicken breast fillet in mushroom sauce, with a jacket potato, I was really tempted to go for “caramel custard” .. but with hold because I don’t want to start putting weight on while just laying here all day.

19.55 .. Dinner is here .. hmmm .. a bit bland, well it’s not overcome any bitterness in my mouth much, except the sour creme that I wasn’t expecting on the jacket potato .. but I guess it was the safe option.

20.07 .. Dinner over, I take my evening pills and re-pack my pill pot for the next 24 hours and add a few diary notes.

20.37 .. Let the drudgery of dilation begin.

More to come ...

Day 1146. Monday 28th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

.. I’m getting dressed when ..

 .. There’s a knock at my door, expecting the maid, I’m greeted by a small army of staff, fronted by the chap who did the spraying in 701. He’s holding a very pretty flower arrangement made up of a large orchid and 6 pink roses, some variegated carnations and different leaved greenery .. “I’m sorry” as he steps forward and hands it to me .. hmmm .. and the committee are all outside smiling too. I smile back “friends” I’m sure he said as he wea’d to me .. So I take his right hand to create a handshake, then cup it female style and gently shake .. “ friends, in English” .. he cracks a grin. He helps the maid and others “service my room”.

I gather my things up for meeting Cin at the front door as agreed.

..Chauffer Limo to Suporn Clinic !!.. drives past ( hospital ) and has to turn back ..

01.20 .. Another hotel car from rear of clinic to Other doctors surgery / office.

Cin goes in to see the doctor alone .. why ? .. surely I’m the patient .. smell something ?

I’m not allowed to see doctor .. what has Cin said to her ????

She’ll only chat from the other side of the receptionists desk .. and has suddenly gone dumb on English Language to a degree .. smell something .. yes and it’s not pleasant.

She says a letter for my GP to tell him what I’ve been poisoned with and how it’s being treated is “unnecessary” !!! .. as I’m only suffering “minor temporary side effects” .. keep taking the treatment, which she now describes the second set of pills as anti-nausea like the first set rather than “a vitamin to protect your nervous system” on Saturday. But then she says I may have heightened sensitivity to pesticides in the future .. something else not to worry about and tell my GP. I think the UK’s “Hippocratic Oath” which is to treat patients in an honest way is lacking here all of a sudden in this office, though she was openly honest with me on Saturday .. clearly something has been said to silence her.

Back to Dr Suporn’s, and now I’m worried for my future health .. how can my long term GP treat me if he’s short of facts if I’m now “sensitive” to a certain, or range of pesticides !!!

I order a Pizza for lunch .. it’s delivered quite quickly .. I eat it in Rosylin’s company, she has a slice and I discuss what has just taken place .. she’s suspicious too. Something we discuss later in a bigger group at dinner .. folk can’t help wonder why. 

14.15 .. In head back to hotel to “freshen up” down there for Dr Suporn.

14.53 .. Heading out back to Dr Suporn’s Clinic .. I get called across by the receptionist, the manager would like to see me .. “not now I have an appointment with Dr Suporn at 15.00 .. later maybe” ..

15.20 .. I’m being examined by Dr Suporn, he’s inserted a little tool to see up inside my new virgina .. I can too with aid of a mirror .. wow .. he’s quite pleased I think .. a couple of little spots, not to worry about too much.

I need to do some shopping in the supermarket for some essential extra’s .. “kitchen roll” for example .. it’s a slow and arduous trip. A little girl says “hello” to me .. I “sawadee ca” her .. she and her friends giggle .. she says “very good” .. << smiles >>.

19.40 .. late for dinner ..

20.00 .. even later is Laura and Micheline .. who sit off on there own, I join them briefly before I return to my room to dilate.

21.30 .. I’m in that position.

During the final cream up phase I have to insert a ... you know what .. up my bottom to try and banish my raging haemorrhoids from that hospital bed .. got 5 which have to be kept in the fridge .. nice.   

00.15 .. I call Karen back ..

02.20 .. call it a day

More to come ...

Day 1147. Tuesday 29th January 2008.

02.20 .. I’ve done some diary .. not a lot .. but some thoughts on yesterday .. I turn most of the lamps out ..

04.15 .. I’m uncomfortable .. I need a loo break .. followed by the clean and cream routine ..

04.45 .. I’ll be glad when I can just go without the clean & cream routine .. I soon fall asleep.

07.00 .. The alarm goes off .. time for a body shower ..

08.45 .. I don’t believe it .. I’ve left my doughnut upstairs, I put my DIY bacon sandwich down at a table for 4 ..  as I’m about to leave the pair from Oxford in UK arrive .. they’ll join me and guard my food till my return with doughnut.

Breakfast .. “bacon sarny” sans ketchup .. doh .. followed by a bowl of yoghurt with fruit salad in it, followed by some “French pastries”, washed down with coffee for it’s diuretic effect .. LOL. 

09.50 .. Back in my room, time for the ritual .. on the loo produces a good result meaning that the dilation will be easier .. followed by the clean up routine and prepare my space on the bed .. I click the air con up to 25c so I won’t get chilly laying in just my bra.

I set myself up, leaving my little friend beside me .. just in case a visitor arrives .. “trust” at the moment I am afraid to say has been lost.

10.10 .. I’m set up and assume the position, preparing my No. 2 boy friend for his visit .. before he does I pause a few seconds to relax .. well “glueped” , a friend of mine will appreciate that, if nothing else his wife will probably read this and know who it is, my Thai boyfriend visits easily to start with.

10.15 .. The dilator is just about home when there’s a knock on the door .. sounds like Cin .. I can’t get up, “get the maid to let you in” .. the phone rings .. it’s Cin .. she can’t see a maid, she’ll be back later to see me .. 

I do some diary for today with the laptop perched on my stomach ..

11.15 .. Nearly in real time .. time to put this down, relax and prepare for the clean and cream routine .. how much cream a day .. this will be the 3rd lot ignoring the pre sleep lot at 01.00. 

12.30 .. Naft off with sitting around, I call the clinic to see if Cin is still on her rounds .. the non English speaker who answers the phone hands it over to .... you know who’s coming .. Cin!!!!! .... hmmmm .. she’s busy and will see me later in the clinic.

12.55 .. Sit down in café with Micheline and Laura .. Laura insists my lunch is on them today .. as a thank you. Conversation is not easy but with the aid of there English - French dictionary and there smattering of English and my lesser smattering of French we don’t hit to many dead ends .. LOL. 

13.10 .. Back in my room, I’m late rebooting PC to talk to Karen .. sop it’s a brief call. I add some notes here then do a loo, clean and cream job ..

That sorted I check my face with magnifying mirror with day light ... oh my gosh .. have I been walking around looking like that !! .. sadly so .. but not for long. Total facial tweezering session takes place .. bang goes an hour when you add a little light epilating.

16.00 .. I’m heading out of the hotel, second attempt .. I should have asked Dr Suporn to join me to my doughnut cushion at the hip .. I leave it behind in my room too often .. doh .. and I run into Aey coming to check on me .. so she walks me to the clinic.

16.06 .. In the clinic I thought somebody wanted to check my wound .. apparently not so I use their broadband to make some phone calls, first is to redirect 2 of the 3 outstanding flower deliveries so that she collects them on the way. I also have to change my bike insurance to reflect the sale of my old VT-500EF .. sob, sob.

17.40 .. I give Carolyn a Skype out call .. after two breaks in 6 minutes as she answers over calls .. and the clinic closing .. time to head for the hotel, especially as it looks like I will now need to do pre breakfast dilations for next 2 days .. DOH.

17.55 .. As I walk into the hotel I remember that I need to chat to the manager, so ask the receptionist for him. I’m told to go take a foyer seat and soon a waitress is asking me what I’d like to drink ..

18.03 .. The manager appears .. we have an "informal" chat this evening in the lobby for an hour .. clearly his chap had not followed the shaky guidelines he'd supposed to with the insecticide and takes on board what I say. The manager is a Frenchman who trained to be a doctor for 4 years before giving up, and he said his primary concern was my health care following the incident here in the hotel, and will follow up some of my concerns tomorrow. He’s very concerned that no blood was taken for analysis to show how much of this chemical I might have absorbed. We chat about all sorts of things, especially my concerns of the female doctors appointment on Monday.

He suggests some sight seeing trips when I’m better .. not sure if he was offering the limo service for that though .. yes please .. LOL.

19.15 .. I’m finally back in my room for a quick freshen up before joining the others .. did I say quick.

19.40 .. I get to take a seat recently made vacant at the table for 8 gathering and order a meal, it’s just got to be another steak .. tonight it’ll have to be the fillet with blue cheese and rosemary sauce .. with a jacket spud .. it’s lovely.

I’m left alone as I finish my meal .. I need to get a move on ..

20.20 .. Back in my room .. the drudgery commences .. << grimace>>.

21.25 .. I’m fully preped with everything to hand. It’s a harder start tonight .. maybe not relaxed enough ..

21.30 .. Still a little short of my depth, I “secure” the free end of the blue tape with a little more pressure on the dilator and call Julie on Skype for a chat .. multi tasking .. LOL.

22.30 .. Time is up and a quick check reveals I’m on target, but only just. This isn’t the first time that with drawl has started an urge to go .. to the loo. It’s clean up and cream up time .. and for this and three more nights a suppository goes up else where .. slippery blighters .. << grimace >>.

23.25 .. Karen calls as I’m doing my washing up .. LOL .. I call her back in 5 minutes ...

23.35 .. I call Karen back ..

00.05 .. I say good night to Karen and start a few diary notes.

00.45 .. time for bed .. nightie night.

Day 1148. Wednesday 30th January 2008.

Memory Joggers ...

05.45 .. I’m awake, so I might as well beat the alarm .. gosh my nightie is all damp .. perspiration.

07.10 .. Gosh where’s all the time gone, I’m now in the relax position, cook for 60 minutes.

08.10 .. Clean up and shower time .. luxury.

09.15 .. I’ve finally made it down to breakfast, and join Sara, Rosalyn and her partner Tina at a table for 4. Soon I’m joined by Laura .. but where is Michellin, as her name is really ..ah .. Laura’s done the trick of leaving her doughnut behind. We now extend the table for 6.

10.10 .. Back in my room, well fed, I need the loo and clean and cream job.

10.45 .. I leave my room for the first time heading for the Clinic and Sophie’s advanced post op care lecture. DOH .. twice I’ll go back for things I’ve forgotten.  

10.56 .. I’m a few seconds behind Audrey as she enters the back door of the clinic .. a rather posh sounding very English sounding woman is talking to somebody, I assume that’s Sophie then .. it is. Gosh I was expecting somebody younger .. but she looks good and her voice is in the “To the Manor Born” style .. nice. 

11.20 .. Sophie’s lecture sort of starts .. this is all about advanced dilation technique, called “Dynamic”. She pulls out a dilator and the cardboard centre tube from a Kitchen roll .. she asks what it is ? .. “a pipe dream” I reply .. she smiles broadly, “I might use that she say’s .. but I’ll steal the credit” .. I suppress a giggle .. but it’s broken the ice. The tube of course represents our new vagina’s. 

13.30 ish .. we stop for lunch .. OK I’ve got my chicken nuggets .. a 6 box my “french fries” are a no show, the supplied Pepsi doesn’t taste the same as that in the UK .. maybe it’s my sense of taste at the moment or the Thai funny tasting water.

A short while into the afternoon session my head really feels rough so I layout on the sofa I’m sitting on ..

16.00 .. Looks like we are done. Some interesting things are said about the Dr_S_club group .. it’s clearly not what it should be and people don’t like joining it, I understand why from a recent run in. Sophie says the new official website will launch soon and contain several forums, run by her so she can control the info given out. To much old hat and Tosh from old members is worrying the clinic, with people on newer routines being “lectured” by older surgery patients whose technique was different. .

16.25 .. Well it’s all sort of over and I follow Rosalyn out of the backdoor but she speeds away from me unaware that I’m a short distance behind her. Gosh my head hurts.

16.30 .. I’m back in my room, and need the loo ...

“Nima” , a male telecom’s engineer from Turkey I chat with occasionally pops up on Yahoo for a chat .. he’s a nice polite guy and has been intreagued by my transition, he’s happy that I am basically.

17.20 .. I call the clinic to see if it’s OK just to lay her for an hour with a cleansed but un-creamed toosh .. to wait an hour prior to dilation .. apparently it is ..

18.55 .. I’m in the position and at full depth ..

I chat with Julie from Dorchester on Yahoo .. one handed.

19.40 .. I get an e-mail from Rosie, she’s had her baby scanned and attached a pic .. I Skype out her and have a brief chat, she’s off out to lunch with another ex colleague Nick.

19.55 .. I’m cooked ...

20.35 .. Cleaned and creamed .. it’s just nice to lay here with my hand gently stroking my front of groin area .. it relaxes all those muscles.

20.46 .. Get to call Rosie back on a skype out .. gosh she sounds just the same .. only Rosie is Rosie. She asks a few questions about what I’ve had done and what I have to do .. she’s a good friend and I don’t mind that sort of thing from a friend. 

21.00 .. Off to the restaurant, to probably eat alone .. but I don’t .. I eat with a couple of what I can only describe as acentric American’s .. later joined by another who seemed to be a normal American. Dinner is a Pizza, they are doing a promotion at the moment .. It’s not very good.  

22.07 .. Have a chat with Christine from Whitby on Skype .. she’ll be here in 12 days.

23.33 .. Karen’s home from work and calls .. I had a question for her but “it’s gone”.

Time to go finish my clean up and get washed for the night.

00.45 .. Gill from Hayward’s Heath pop’s up on Yahoo for a chat, that’s nice of her.

01.09 .. A final call to Karen, my brain is so numb at moment .. can I remember what I was going to ask her .. naaaagh.

01.15 .. nightie night.

More to come ..

Diary .... the next 28 days....

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